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StrawberryShaken
712 M Little Steps
PathStep 13 Compassion hearts88 Forum posts29 Forum upvotes58 Current upvotes58 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2024 Member sinceSeptember 19, 2020
Recent forum posts
Tw csa and assault , general timeline
Trauma Support / by StrawberryShaken
Last post
 September 9th
...See more I hope this is OK to share, there's sexual abuse tw in general for this. I may not be using the best language to describe my issues but I'd like to share. I missed out on learning about boundaries when I was a little kid and my mom parentified me/did emotional incest (over sharing adult issues like sex, divorce, etc and expecting me to parent my younger siblings from a young age). I was frequently groomed online from around 9-14 and I do think my earlier childhood had a lot to do with it, because in general (especially sexually) I felt like I had owed other people and wanted to make people stay because I was very only. Sometimes acting out sexually or seeking out predators was the only way to get attention. Around 12 my mom was getting divorced from her abusive ex and moving out, so my life was really unstable. I struggled with hypersexuality and porn addiction, on top of/mixed with "edating" various adults who exploited me. I didn't have a lot of her attention at the time and I basically thought, "well, I don't really care about my body or safety, so at least I can make people listen to me about my feelings if I 'do this' for them." She also apparently was unaware of her ex abusing me too, sexually. I didn't tell her until I was 15?16? One of these I met at 15 ended up becoming an irl abuser, emotionally and physically and sexually from the ages 18-22. I only recently moved out of that abuser's house this year and am also impacted by a sexual assault from a stranger in 2020 still. I pretty much have no consistent sexual boundaries and am almost at a loss of what I even want? Most of the time I just want to be "left alone" because I view sex as a threat to my safety, like when I was assaulted. I froze because I didn't know if this stranger would actually hurt me if I didn't let him do what he wanted. Today I still struggle with the idea that sexual attraction is intent to harm me and sometimes I have intrusive thoughts about others wanting to have sex with me which makes me uncomfortable and worsens my social anxiety. I don't want to sound conceited but it's like, "oh no, if I say good morning to this person, they'll be mad at me if I don't let them touch me." Well right now I live with my partner and this is the first relationship I've felt safe in. We are both the same age which has been very helpful for me because unfortunately my previous experiences were with people much older and who took advantage of me. I had a couple of age experiences between but they weren't really positive either, like my middle school bf sharing things with his friends when I didn't consent to that. I still struggle with reduced reactivity at times, basically dissociating in every situation often (I'm wondering if DBT mindfulness will help with this). My partner asks/initiates respectfully but then I still shut down. Its like I'm procrastinating at communicating, it takes me too long to say "actually I'm not in the mood", "actually I didn't like what you just did". They always respectfully backs off and apologize but at this point it's basically my own fault that I am..triggering myself?? For some reason?? I seem so passive. I also struggle with finding them attractive. I very much do, and even initiate activities myself, and I flirt a lot. But then I feel subconscious anxiety that I'm being abusive, exploitative, disrespectful. I talk to them about it and no, everything we've done is consensual and they feel completely safe with the way I talk/touch them and that I respect their own boundaries. So why can't I believe them that I'm not evil for wanting to be intimate with them? Sometimes I wish I couldn't see my partner sexually so I wouldn't be "gross" and "bad". I've tried looking for resources like this but I don't relate to purity culture/parental upbringing to cause these feelings of grossness, I think it's just me conflating my abuse with my sexual attraction now??
Monday Journal
Anxiety Support / by StrawberryShaken
Last post
 August 30th
...See more I went to the laundry (basement of apartment) and dumpster yesterday. On Friday, I went to the social security office with my boyfriend and rode a bus twice for that. I'm trying to make progress with my agoraphobia but it's very difficult. I did originally intend on walking to get a coffee yesterday or today but my IBS is flaring up really badly starting last night. I'm still not feeling good. But I'm so thankful for my boyfriend who's been so patient and supportive. I'm going to look for other events/outing ideas. I know I need to go to an X-ray appointment soon and I'd also need my debit card renewed but I'm having a hard time in general. Like I only feel fully safe at home (and spending too much time in the bathroom in public makes me embarrassed).
Struggling
Trauma Support / by StrawberryShaken
Last post
 July 4th
...See more Tw domestic abuse and medical trauma I haven't been doing well in general. I've been really struggling for a month now. I wanted to celebrate May 4th with my graduation, but I didn't make it to the ceremony. I was kicked out of my abusive ex's house so his new girlfriend could move in. There I had to stay in a hotel with my visiting friend until I, miraculously, found an apartment that let me sign a new lease and move in in May. I am grateful I was only "homeless" for about a week, but it was still incredibly stressful and traumatic when I was supposed to be celebrating my graduation. I don't have a hat I always dreamed about, just my degree paper from the mail. I realized after moving that all of my valuable items financially were stolen. At least I have the sentimental ones...I really don't want to deal with the stress of getting those items back (if he didn't already throw them out by now). I have not spoken to him since and never want to again. I am in my apartment with my current boyfriend. I also was able to start PT for my chronic back pain. But recently I had an infected toenail removal but the numbing didn't work. I feel really traumatized by going through that painful surgery and the doctor was quite rude about waiting for the injections to work so I would be fully numb. I also had to miss PT appointments due to this surgery. Thankfully my boyfriend was there with me and comforted me but he works very often (I am unemployed at the moment) and it's difficult to take care of myself emotionally when I'm home alone. I seem to be triggered every time I change my bandages if I'm home alone. I start thinking about how I was abused previously from my ex and hear his voice in my head shaming me for everything I do. I feel bad for texting my boyfriend so often at work but with my agoraphobia (I have had for years, only worsened by recent abuse) and now my foot recovering it's very hard for me to work or leave the house, let alone find friends. I feel so overwhelmed: I need a spinal xray, I need to keep up with pt, I need to change bandages daily, I need to change my pharmacy to one closer to my new apartment, I should get therapy for the abuse for sure, I have so much guilt about not being good enough for my current boyfriend, I haven't even got to put the desk together yet, etc. And it's just so lonely. Every time my boyfriend isn't literally physically next to me I feel so unstable. Then I feel guilty for relying on him for comfort so much. I really don't know what to do. I'm just trying to go day by day.
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