The empty barrel (Diary(
I wake up every morning and do my morning things.
Brush my teeth, shower, make my bed, eat breakfast and move on with my day. Or at least, the day of the body I inhabit.
The body that was once mine. The body that is now nothing but an empty barrel, a tragic reminder of the girl I used to be.
Every other day, I try to convince myself that it wasn't what it is. RAPE!. I try to erase the past and grow up fast. To kill all the pain and choose a different lane. Fighting to live another day, spreading my wings and reaching for the sky. But I'm forever confined by the chains of the past. All the people in my life blame me for every wrong step I take. If only they would guide me so I wouldn't fall again. I roan your streets desperate to find a way out of this misery. Desperate for fresh air, for a saviour, for a hand to hold. But happiness never once came knocking at my door.
I said maybe I should paint my wrist red and take a nap forever, but I couldn't because then momma would be sad. She'd break if she ever lost her little princess. The same little princess she doesn't know she'd already lost.
My abusers are now six feet under, but does it even matter at this point? At least they got to live until they were old and gray. My life on the other hand, started when I was zero and ended when I was nine.
Now I'm 17. I'm nothing but an empty barrel.
Needed a space to bleed for a few minutes :)
@patientSea2202
Thank you for sharing this. It takes a lot of strength to do write about it, and even more to continue on every day.
I like to say that cars measure distance in miles, and the brain measures distance in time. It doesn't make the place go away but it gets further away with every second. Also, closer to something new. A chance to find good people and make the best of a horrible situation.
You're absolutely right. Writing this wasn't at all easy. It took me a long time after I was done pouring it all out to actually press the send button. And tbh, when I got the notification that FirmWind had replied to my post, I felt so nervous about reading it. But after I read it, I smiled. It's the first time that I genuinely smiled since I got out of bed today. Thank you for that :) It's nice to feel understood.
We're all little caterpillars fighting for a chance to show the world the true beauty that lies within us.
@patientSea2202
You're most welcome Sea.
It took me like a decade to figure out that there are good people out there. It might be a small circle to find them, but it feels like I have a pile of gold. Knowing that I have a future with such decent people helps me put the past even further away. My education and career is another huge divider that helps keep the past behind plexiglass; I highly recommend not putting all your eggs in one basket. Like you say, the little caterpillar has dreams.
@FirmWind
😊
Your last sentence just sparked an idea for a story, haha. (I'm a writer btw)
But yeah, when you surround yourself with the right people, you come to understand that there's more than just surviving. As people who lived on survival, we're constantly on defense mode trying to protect the little we have left. It's not easy to move from surviving to thriving but little by little, surrounded by the right people, we'll get there. <3
Also.....friends???