Sa/trans ???help
I need a little help with this;
I've been feeling this way for a long time, I don't remember how long ago it was if it was always like this or not. This is a very private problem of mine:
A few years ago I came to the conclusion that I was gender fluid because I felt good in loose clothing, short hair, and not having my breasts showing, i mean, flat chest. even though at other times it wasn't like that. Anyway, I felt comfortable looking like a boy.
But I felt uncomfortable if someone mistook me for a boy. On the internet not so much but still. And I don't know if it was because I never was or because my mother made a transphobic comment, but I became a girl again. And I came to the conclusion that I was comfortable being a masculine girl.
But lately I'm very confused. I don't know if it's because I'm going through a bad time.
The thing is that it's not always the case, but there are times when i see my breasts and feel disgusted and see them as pieces of fat, it disgusts me and I want to get rid of them. When I have clothes on it doesn't happen, but there are times when I feel normal, especially when I'm outside my house and I have a feeling that I can't describe. It's like feeling hot and cold at the same time and it makes me very uncomfortable, And I don't really know what has to happen for me to feel this way.
And well, I've read and heard from trans friends that there are trans people who feel that way, but I'm not so sure about people who suffered sexual abuse. What I do know is that there are people whose brain repressed and blocked that memory, and for years I think that happened to me
But of course, I have no idea. I don't know if I've been like this because of that, if maybe I'm trans or if it's just my personality, but the feeling that has no name affects me a lot in general.
But the fact that I've been believing for years that SA happened to me is a little horrible.
I'm going to tell a little about my "symptoms";
I don't know how to say "no", when I had the opportunity to have sex I got scared and abandoned them, Sometimes when I have that nameless feeling I feel very anxious and I don't know if sometimes could be anxiety attacks, I don't like watching videos of myself as a child, I don't like remembering my past, And I had some small problems and traumas with my paternal family and maybe the discomfort to them is from that or from something else. I don't remember anything about my maternal family and I only visited them when I was 2 years old. I'm also afraid of people in authority, like teachers, but I also had some trauma with that, so I don't know.
Yes, I have to go to therapy because it is a complicated issue, but I would like to know if I can rule out any option.
Pdt: Sorry if my English is too bad
@convivialCoconut6517
Aloha, I want to say that your feelings are completely valid, and I can sense how much you’re struggling with all of this confusion and uncertainty. It sounds like you’re carrying a lot right now, and it’s completely okay to be uncertain about how to define yourself or what you’re experiencing. You’re not alone in feeling this way, and it’s really important that you're reaching out to process these thoughts and emotions. It seems like you’re dealing with a mix of things from your sense of gender identity, some deep-seated discomfort with your body, possible past trauma, and the emotional toll all of this takes on you. It's understandable that it’s hard to distinguish between all these feelings and experiences, especially if some of your memories are blocked or unclear. Gender fluidity, like many identities, can be fluid, and it’s okay to not fit into a box or label right now. You don’t have to know exactly what you're feeling to explore your identity or make sense of it.
You mentioned fear, discomfort, and confusion, especially regarding your past…these are also things that deserve attention and care. It’s hard to process trauma, especially if there are memories you feel blocked from accessing, and it’s important that you’re planning to see a therapist. Therapy can be a safe space to explore these feelings and help you start to untangle all the different emotions and experiences you’ve been carrying. I can totally hear the pain in your words, and it's clear that you're trying to make sense of a lot, but please know that you don’t have to figure it all out by yourself. Therapy, as you mentioned, can really help, but in the meantime, just know that it’s okay to take things one step at a time. You're doing the best you can, and that’s enough. LOL your English is absolutely fine, and I’m glad you shared your thoughts here. You deserve to have space to explore your feelings, and I’m here if you need to talk further. Be strong!
@convivialCoconut6517
Focusing on what is best for you in the here-and-now can be easier said than done, and I think you’re making proper steps in that direction. ❤️ Discomfort and dysphoria of the chest are not as uncommon as you may believe in both cis (not transgender) and trans people.
I’ve also known of cis women who are uncomfortable with having breasts, but find themselves enjoying being a woman. They just don’t care for how they’re treated because of self-expression. Or maybe the discomfort was kickstarted by harassment and abuse, but regardless: you are here, in this present moment now.
Some end up undergoing mastectomy, preferring a flatter chest. Others come to find binding works for them instead! This doesn’t diminish your experiences, only brings light to your individuality and identity.
For reference, I’ve even known of trans women who don’t mind having flat chests or seek to have smaller chests, and reasons for all vary. Some people do it out of practicality, like for back pain or.. honestly? Finding them annoying enough for it.
I also known of nonbinary people who are consistent in presentation, defaulting to traditional standards (varies based on culture and upbringing of course), of either masculinity or femininity. But they’re happy with it! You wouldn’t know until you may clue in on how their friends refer to them as, or if they tell you directly.
Have you found, or are able to find, physical space to exist just as is? Maybe time away from usual places can offer new perspective and that can help with better understanding your self-image.
As long as you can healthily express yourself is the goal. Best of luck and wishes ❤️
Thanks♡♡
