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convivialCoconut6517
1 588 M Embraced 4
PathStep 50 Compassion hearts62 Forum posts22 Forum upvotes40 Current upvotes40 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2025 Member sinceJanuary 7, 2025
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Sorry if my English is not very good 😿

I logged in here because I'm at my limit and I read that these things help a lot


Recent forum posts
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I had been clean for a year ☹️
Self-Harm Recovery / by convivialCoconut6517
Last post
 February 9th
...See more I spent several minutes thinking about what topic, or I don't know what it's called, to write about. Because I don't know what's going on in my head I have had falls and gotten up several times, but when I feel well again I self-harm again and it's all over, And so on But anyway, when you think there won't be any more or that it's all over, you realize that it wasn't true. Speaking of feeling like this is gonna be forever. What I mean is that even if I feel fine and I relapse again, The time that I have been feeling better and without doing anything is lasting longer and longer each time guess it means I'm getting out of this depressive spiral, Slowly, but I'm glad all the same It makes me angry to relapse when it had lasted so long but at least I lasted a long time. Although, sometimes when I relapse and do it again I feel like it lasted a long time but in reality it was not very long. I would like help with one thing; My partner, who has also been through this, already knows what happens to me. It was hard for me to tell him, but he supported me and made me feel much better. But there is something that makes me angry, and that is that I feel as if I had not told him anything. He's still the same as always and it makes me angry, because even though he loves me and treats me as always, which I appreciate, I feel like I don't know and I'm alone. I guess I should know, but I don't want to be reminded all the time either. And I don't know what I want exactly
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Things about self harm, my real pain
Self-Harm Recovery / by convivialCoconut6517
Last post
 January 23rd
...See more When people ask what the worst thing about self-harm is, they usually say; having to hide everything that has to do with it, Like what you used, what you cleaned with, that sheet of paper you wrote down about what you're going through. Or the burning in that damaged area, feeling your clothes sticking to it and rubbing against the marks. And yes, they are the worst. But something they rarely talk about is hiding your feelings from the people you love. Maybe not your parents, not your family. You may think you don't have any friends, but maybe they see you as a friend. But not they either, You don't love them enough to tell them, or that they will surely tell others or laugh at you. Do you know what real pain is for me? Hiding it from someone you really love, someone you should tell everything to. Someone you want to tell everything to, but you just can't. Someone, who a part of you says they will laugh, who will say that there are people who have "real reasons". And another part of you says that they would worry about you or blame themselves for it. Someone who would say to you, "why did you hide it from me?" In your case it could be your mother, your sister, a good friend. But what about your partner? "Why didn't you tell that person who is supposed to support you in everything? And that you should have told him from the beginning?" "If you didn't do it, it's because you don't love him enough." One thing about self harm is that when you cut/burn yourself or any variant, you start crying for having done it and for believing that it would make you feel better. So you say, next time I'll do it deeper and then I'll feel better, and so on to the next, and the next. But it doesn't work in any next time. So when you realize it, you do it for the sake of doing it, because you need to. And because you think it will work the next time, you don't tell him. "When I feel better it won't be necessary." And so on, until who knows what will happen. My real pain is seeing that the person you love the most sees that you are suffering alone, that you don't want help. And that you see that you are almost losing them, just for not telling them. And that's true for anyone you love, not necessarily your partner. Shut that thing down and realize there will never be a next time. Encouragement to whoever reads this
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Sa/trans ???help
Trauma Support / by convivialCoconut6517
Last post
 January 12th
...See more I need a little help with this; I've been feeling this way for a long time, I don't remember how long ago it was if it was always like this or not. This is a very private problem of mine: A few years ago I came to the conclusion that I was gender fluid because I felt good in loose clothing, short hair, and not having my breasts showing, i mean, flat chest. even though at other times it wasn't like that. Anyway, I felt comfortable looking like a boy. But I felt uncomfortable if someone mistook me for a boy. On the internet not so much but still. And I don't know if it was because I never was or because my mother made a transphobic comment, but I became a girl again. And I came to the conclusion that I was comfortable being a masculine girl. But lately I'm very confused. I don't know if it's because I'm going through a bad time. The thing is that it's not always the case, but there are times when i see my breasts and feel disgusted and see them as pieces of fat, it disgusts me and I want to get rid of them. When I have clothes on it doesn't happen, but there are times when I feel normal, especially when I'm outside my house and I have a feeling that I can't describe. It's like feeling hot and cold at the same time and it makes me very uncomfortable, And I don't really know what has to happen for me to feel this way. And well, I've read and heard from trans friends that there are trans people who feel that way, but I'm not so sure about people who suffered sexual abuse. What I do know is that there are people whose brain repressed and blocked that memory, and for years I think that happened to me But of course, I have no idea. I don't know if I've been like this because of that, if maybe I'm trans or if it's just my personality, but the feeling that has no name affects me a lot in general. But the fact that I've been believing for years that SA happened to me is a little horrible. I'm going to tell a little about my "symptoms"; I don't know how to say "no", when I had the opportunity to have sex I got scared and abandoned them, Sometimes when I have that nameless feeling I feel very anxious and I don't know if sometimes could be anxiety attacks, I don't like watching videos of myself as a child, I don't like remembering my past, And I had some small problems and traumas with my paternal family and maybe the discomfort to them is from that or from something else. I don't remember anything about my maternal family and I only visited them when I was 2 years old. I'm also afraid of people in authority, like teachers, but I also had some trauma with that, so I don't know. Yes, I have to go to therapy because it is a complicated issue, but I would like to know if I can rule out any option. Pdt: Sorry if my English is too bad
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It's very frustrating
Self-Harm Recovery / by convivialCoconut6517
Last post
 January 10th
...See more The other day I was in a thrift store, and I had found some cute shorts for summer, but then I became conscious of my scars and that I couldn't wear them. I've never felt so helpless over a pair of pants And I also saw a very pretty dress but I can't wear it either. And it makes me very angry, even though they will be gone before summer arrives Thinking about trying it makes me nauseous And I hate seeing people saying just stop as if it were that easy
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