Raw and Reflective Thoughts - An Apology

Hey, 

Fun seeing you here. Whoever is passing by. Hope your doing well. You probably don't know me but your welcome here. If you know me, hey! nice seeing you again. This is just another update... raw thoughts i have. <3 

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Back then, nothing was the same. i was careless. i didn't care about myself.  i didn't listen to my own voice. The only thing i listened to was the demons in my head. They lingered in places, and i let them have a place in my head. They lived there. To eat up all the pieces of self respect and care i had left. For my mind to rot from within. Its not the bricks and stones that make a home strong, its the love and warmth you put in to that home. Because then its just a house isn't it? My tears were drying, yet the 4 walls I hid in listened to my screams. Endured my pain for me. Safety. Its all you ever look for. Walking into the door of my own home was painful, because I looked and no one was there. No one was there to greet me. Or love me. Or see me. I couldn't care less about my health or the state I was in..I had lost a place in anyone's heart. My home was chaos. Abusive. 

I just wanted peace. I wanted some sort of peace to overcome me. And everywhere I looked, I wanted it to all end. I wanted it to be over. Everywhere I looked seemed empty. Like everything I looked into just looked back at me. Nothing is how its supposed to be. It haunted my mind every minute. And however traumatised I became I didn't understand anything. I truly didn't. For the first time in my life i felt like putting my gaurd down when my whole life I only learnt to keep my gaurd up and not trust anyone. My whole life, I just wanted to be able to get up on my own so when I feel into the trap again I would be able to get back up without anyone helping me. Because there was no one there. It was just me. 

And forgive me, But i didn't care about anyone else. My heart was filled with envy and anger. When other people got something, I would become frustrated. When other people said something, I snapped. When other people discussed, i interrupted. I was stubborn. I always said no.

I didn't understand what love meant anymore, it had no meaning to me. I argued with people so much. Telling people it didn't exist. Telling people that it was all a dellusion and a mistake. Telling people that no one cared and nothing would get better. I guess till today, I still don't know if what people told me was true.

i always looked for someone to change my mind. But every time someone tried, I would loose it all. I would become angry. And it was my fault. I know. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. I forgived everyone but myself. I kept finding excuses for my wrong-doings. 

I was disillusioned. And so for anyone who tried to help me or support me, i'm sorry. I'm not doing this for sympathy from anyone, neither do I want you to create a place in your heart for me. I just want you to know, i'm so sorry and that it was all wrong. 

It wasn't meant to happen this way. 

Bunny.