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People Pleasing Thought for the Day
CaringCharlie June 10th

Thought for analysis:

Be kind, but not if it's always masking your actual disposition.

That's most likely people pleasing, not kindness.

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And it will prevent true connection.

Contact me, a listener @CaringCharlie Let's chat about it.


6

@CaringCharlie This is a real struggle, wanting to be a “good person”, versus taking care of yourself.

2 replies
CaringCharlie OP June 11th

@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas It probably is the need to be validated by others because of our codependency vice how do we begin to love our selves first. I agree. It's a struggle.


Your username sums it up so real and clear . "How do we get back to find us"

1 reply

@CaringCharlie Thank you. ❤️ Your the first person who’s really noticed my name and what it might mean. Often after trauma people talk about getting back to who they used to be in order to heal. But sometimes there wasn’t ever really a chance to be a you to begin with, because you’ve always just served some purpose. So you have to figure it out as an adult, what seems right, what feels comfortable for you. We might have to sift through people pleasing that we used at one time to survive without realizing it. We might wonder why when we please the people we care about we somehow still can’t feel real connection or care from others.

Thank you for this post.

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CaringCharlie OP June 11th

Your response gives me pause for thought and even a possible healing point:


Is it possible to become a new version of ourselves we create knowing our damaged self is a part of our past that never leaves us, yet we have no choice but to accept it as our present?


Hence your user name.



2 replies
@CaringCharlie I think it is possible for sure. It can take time (for me it has). I’ve started to realize it’s a lot more than learning how to breathe, feel safe, or care for myself. It’s a total overhaul of how I thought the world and relationships worked. It’s this firm realization that I’m the only person who’s really going to understand myself completely, if I even can. That people do the best they can in their own sphere of understanding, but aren’t a foundation to rely upon that we so long for them to be. That the empathy I desire isn’t really what I need. What I need are boundaries and respect for them, to be strong and realistic in what I need from myself and others. That I can do most of what I need for myself, and whatever I get from others is a bonus nice to have. Other people’s acceptance, codependency, feels so good. It’s addicting when you have it. It pulls you into a false sense of security. Until it’s suddenly changed and we don’t know why. The rug is pulled out from under us and we’re left scrambling without any sense of direction. Other people can really destroy us if we’re not careful.

Our past is nothing to not ashamed of. It’s part of who we are, and I’m willing to bet most people who have hurt in their past are kinder people because of it. We know how to be gentler, more compassionate and understanding, how to listen and help someone feel really heard. We can also use that to help ourselves, to be kinder to ourselves, and to form really great rules for how we want to live our lives and be treated. That is our foundation, not anyone else.

We just have to let go of the idea that another person is our answer to save us. And believe me, as I’m still fighting to let the go, it’s harder than it reads.
1 reply
CaringCharlie OP June 11th

Please contact me for a chat if you would. I'd love to learn more deeply from you about some lessons you've learned in your journey.

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