@CaringCharlie I think it is possible for sure. It can take time (for me it has). I’ve started to realize it’s a lot more than learning how to breathe, feel safe, or care for myself. It’s a total overhaul of how I thought the world and relationships worked. It’s this firm realization that I’m the only person who’s really going to understand myself completely, if I even can. That people do the best they can in their own sphere of understanding, but aren’t a foundation to rely upon that we so long for them to be. That the empathy I desire isn’t really what I need. What I need are boundaries and respect for them, to be strong and realistic in what I need from myself and others. That I can do most of what I need for myself, and whatever I get from others is a bonus nice to have. Other people’s acceptance, codependency, feels so good. It’s addicting when you have it. It pulls you into a false sense of security. Until it’s suddenly changed and we don’t know why. The rug is pulled out from under us and we’re left scrambling without any sense of direction. Other people can really destroy us if we’re not careful.
Our past is nothing to not ashamed of. It’s part of who we are, and I’m willing to bet most people who have hurt in their past are kinder people because of it. We know how to be gentler, more compassionate and understanding, how to listen and help someone feel really heard. We can also use that to help ourselves, to be kinder to ourselves, and to form really great rules for how we want to live our lives and be treated. That is our foundation, not anyone else.
We just have to let go of the idea that another person is our answer to save us. And believe me, as I’m still fighting to let the go, it’s harder than it reads.
