My son

****Could be triggering. *****

My son had 4 seizures a couple Fridays ago. He had his first seizure in January and nothing since. He has had deja Vu and he gets sick but nothing that lasts. They did 2 separate EEG's since and they both came back clear. He wasn't feeling good that morning so my husband let him sleep in and miss school. (He is a senior in HS). We thought he was tired and needed a mental health day.  I came home to check on him at lunch time and he was staring off. I couldn't get him out of it for about 40 seconds. I immediately called his Dr and my son reassured me that he was OK. Very coherent.   While waiting for the Dr to call back he had another staring episode. This lasted 35 seconds. I rushed him to the ER. He had another seizure after about an hour there. He got paranoid and thought someone was following him. He actually saw someone above his head. Then he started staring again for a few minutes. They admitted him that night and set him up with another EEG. Within 4 minutes of finishing the test he had another that I later found out that lasted 8 minutes then convulsing for 3 minutes.  I watched him have these seizures.  I was screaming for help. I just kept asking the Dr's to help my son. I really thought I was going to lose him that night. I cant lose him. He is my heart. We rolled him on his side and hit bit his tongue really hard.  I didn't think he was going to be ok. I prayed to God to help my son. The emergency meds weren't enough so they had to start I'm on a daily seizure med mixed with the emergency meds. He finally came out of it and fell asleep.  he was moved to pediatric ICU for the night. I slept there.  He doesn't remember anything from the night before or that whole day. We had to tell him the next day all over again what actually happened. 

I cant un-see his face. Every time he is looking at something for longer than 3 seconds I freak out. I am checking on him more throughout the night. Making sure he is breathing, making sure his eyes aren't staring off or twitching in his head. I fall asleep then wake suddenly feeling like something is wrong so I jump up and check on him. I worry that something will happen when I leave his room while he is sleeping. When he leaves the house, I freak out that something will happen to him and his friends not catch it. I worry so much. Tomorrow is his first day at home completely by himself. We both and work and today was his last day at school. He graduates next week. I am so scared. I'm afraid that if he doesn't respond because he is sleeping, that something bad happened. I'm not sure how to handle this one yet. We both work very close to home, but if something happens with no warning signs (head ache, nauseous, heavy seating) then he cant call us. Like last Friday. I think he had at least one seizure before I got home. I'm more scared than anything.

When my mom was sick at home on hospice, my family watched over her. The night she passed, I came home from work and I was supposed to watch her and check on her. I knew it was time to check on her but I couldn't move. I then got a strong feeling over me and I knew something happened. My sister and brother came home a few minutes later and checked on her and we called 911. She had passed. I knew she waited till they left and she didn't want me to see her pass. She would of wanted me to remember her before, not that night. So now I keep thinking that if I don't get up and check on him, something will happen. What if. I know he is ok but I have that trauma that I will carry forever. What if.....  I usually get up at night and text him if he is at a friends house just to tell him to be careful and that I love him but I thought I was just a worry wort. I realized when I was watching him laying there breathing with oxygen and making sure he was ok, that this comes from my trauma 20 (almost 21) years ago. I felt guilty for falling asleep and leaving him alone 6 feet away from me. He was hooked up on monitors and his EEG (that someone was directly monitoring) and the nurses station was right outside of our door but I was scared that I wouldn't hear the beeping of the machine and something would happen. 

I am angry that this is happening to him at this age. He should be out having fun with his friends, worry free. Not worried that he might have a seizure, worry that he has to take his pills twice a day, worry about not going to the gym, not being able to drive and he is starting college locally in the fall. He is worried about starting late because he cant drive for 6 months.  I am ANGRY!

Every time he feels nauseous, I ask what it's from. Every time his head hurts I ask how long has it hurt and is it normal pain. I know he is getting sick of me but I am so afraid of losing him. He will be 18 in October. I lost my mom just 3 years before he was born. She was my best friend. I was just about to turn 19 In November. She passed in October. I was young and it set a fear in me. 

I know I need a real therapist that specializes in trauma but I needed to get it off my chest. When I have told people how I feel, they say its ok and he is better. They don't understand ( I would never wish this on any one, I hope no one will ever truly understand this) and then they switch the subject.

I never knew what trauma really was until recently. Trauma isn't just something major, trauma can be small. I have found out recently that I react to certain things in a bad way due to things when I was younger. I didn't know how it was effecting me. 

I needed to vent and get it out of my head. Thanks everyone for being my shoulder to cry on tonight.