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pinkPine6124
8,902 M Pacing Forward
PathStep 73 Compassion hearts192 Forum posts33 Forum upvotes38 Current upvotes38 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2024 Member sinceMay 2, 2021
Recent forum posts
My son
Trauma Support / by pinkPine6124
Last post
 June 3rd
...See more ****Could be triggering. ***** My son had 4 seizures a couple Fridays ago. He had his first seizure in January and nothing since. He has had deja Vu and he gets sick but nothing that lasts. They did 2 separate EEG's since and they both came back clear. He wasn't feeling good that morning so my husband let him sleep in and miss school. (He is a senior in HS). We thought he was tired and needed a mental health day.  I came home to check on him at lunch time and he was staring off. I couldn't get him out of it for about 40 seconds. I immediately called his Dr and my son reassured me that he was OK. Very coherent.   While waiting for the Dr to call back he had another staring episode. This lasted 35 seconds. I rushed him to the ER. He had another seizure after about an hour there. He got paranoid and thought someone was following him. He actually saw someone above his head. Then he started staring again for a few minutes. They admitted him that night and set him up with another EEG. Within 4 minutes of finishing the test he had another that I later found out that lasted 8 minutes then convulsing for 3 minutes.  I watched him have these seizures.  I was screaming for help. I just kept asking the Dr's to help my son. I really thought I was going to lose him that night. I cant lose him. He is my heart. We rolled him on his side and hit bit his tongue really hard.  I didn't think he was going to be ok. I prayed to God to help my son. The emergency meds weren't enough so they had to start I'm on a daily seizure med mixed with the emergency meds. He finally came out of it and fell asleep.  he was moved to pediatric ICU for the night. I slept there.  He doesn't remember anything from the night before or that whole day. We had to tell him the next day all over again what actually happened.  I cant un-see his face. Every time he is looking at something for longer than 3 seconds I freak out. I am checking on him more throughout the night. Making sure he is breathing, making sure his eyes aren't staring off or twitching in his head. I fall asleep then wake suddenly feeling like something is wrong so I jump up and check on him. I worry that something will happen when I leave his room while he is sleeping. When he leaves the house, I freak out that something will happen to him and his friends not catch it. I worry so much. Tomorrow is his first day at home completely by himself. We both and work and today was his last day at school. He graduates next week. I am so scared. I'm afraid that if he doesn't respond because he is sleeping, that something bad happened. I'm not sure how to handle this one yet. We both work very close to home, but if something happens with no warning signs (head ache, nauseous, heavy seating) then he cant call us. Like last Friday. I think he had at least one seizure before I got home. I'm more scared than anything. When my mom was sick at home on hospice, my family watched over her. The night she passed, I came home from work and I was supposed to watch her and check on her. I knew it was time to check on her but I couldn't move. I then got a strong feeling over me and I knew something happened. My sister and brother came home a few minutes later and checked on her and we called 911. She had passed. I knew she waited till they left and she didn't want me to see her pass. She would of wanted me to remember her before, not that night. So now I keep thinking that if I don't get up and check on him, something will happen. What if. I know he is ok but I have that trauma that I will carry forever. What if.....  I usually get up at night and text him if he is at a friends house just to tell him to be careful and that I love him but I thought I was just a worry wort. I realized when I was watching him laying there breathing with oxygen and making sure he was ok, that this comes from my trauma 20 (almost 21) years ago. I felt guilty for falling asleep and leaving him alone 6 feet away from me. He was hooked up on monitors and his EEG (that someone was directly monitoring) and the nurses station was right outside of our door but I was scared that I wouldn't hear the beeping of the machine and something would happen.  I am angry that this is happening to him at this age. He should be out having fun with his friends, worry free. Not worried that he might have a seizure, worry that he has to take his pills twice a day, worry about not going to the gym, not being able to drive and he is starting college locally in the fall. He is worried about starting late because he cant drive for 6 months.  I am ANGRY! Every time he feels nauseous, I ask what it's from. Every time his head hurts I ask how long has it hurt and is it normal pain. I know he is getting sick of me but I am so afraid of losing him. He will be 18 in October. I lost my mom just 3 years before he was born. She was my best friend. I was just about to turn 19 In November. She passed in October. I was young and it set a fear in me.  I know I need a real therapist that specializes in trauma but I needed to get it off my chest. When I have told people how I feel, they say its ok and he is better. They don't understand ( I would never wish this on any one, I hope no one will ever truly understand this) and then they switch the subject. I never knew what trauma really was until recently. Trauma isn't just something major, trauma can be small. I have found out recently that I react to certain things in a bad way due to things when I was younger. I didn't know how it was effecting me.  I needed to vent and get it out of my head. Thanks everyone for being my shoulder to cry on tonight. 
Visiting my mom’s grave site
Trauma Support / by pinkPine6124
Last post
 October 22nd, 2022
...See more I don’t go to my moms grave very often. I was too depressed and over stressed on Mother’s Day. I went last week and hung out for about 15 minutes and told her some new things that were happening in my life. When it was time to go, I felt that I was ok to leave. As soon as I started to say goodbye, I started to get choked up and felt that I couldn’t leave her there. I feel like I am leaving her all over again. My mom passed when I was about to turn 19. She had lung cancer and it hit her very fast. There was nothing that she could do. She lived about 7 weeks after her diagnosis in the hospital. She came home on hospice for 6 weeks. She has been gone for 18 1/2 years now. I had never actually grieved for her. I did stay angry for a long time and I didn’t face reality that she was gone for a long time. I miss her everyday. Its just so very hard to leave her.
Missing my parents
Trauma Support / by pinkPine6124
Last post
 August 17th, 2021
...See more ****Could be a trigger******* I lost my mom when I was 19. She found out she had cancer and 6 weeks later she passed. I never addressed this. I moved with the times and acted how I wanted. I drank, stayed out all night, went to bars and snuck drinks and I partied. I went to work and was responisible. I have a sister who was 16 at the time and she lived with me. I was a good example but not a good example. I told people how I reall felt. If they didnt like it Oh well. I didnt care. I actually went to a bar where my dad hung out for years and I drank there, underage. I didnt care. I didnt drink right in front of him but I would act like I had a coke, but really had a rum and coke. I felt free. I moved away with my older sister and her husband. Her husband wanted me to grow up and leave the drama behind. I did but then shortly after, I got pregnant. My sister said I couldnt stay there and be a bad example on her daughter. Being Pregnant with out being married. I moved on my own then decided to move back to my old area with ,younger sister. When I had my son, he was my whole world. When he was 5 my dad passed. I really closed up. I realized I no longer had my parents. It was very tramatic. I couldnt have my mom help me get ready for my wedding, I couldnt have my dad walk me down the isle. My son wont have his grandparents. I have problems with my mother in law. She will never accept me as her sons wife. I will never be good enough. It hurts really bad. I have spoke out to him and done everything I can. Esspecially during covid. (getting them food, going to the grocery store, helped around their house). My husband recently lost his father to cancer the same way my mom lost her life. It was hard for me to re-live this. I had to be strong while grieving. I miss him dearly. I went to restaurants, bars, family gatherings, etc. Anything he needed. Everything outside of my comfort zone especially with covid. Still it wasnt enough for my mother in law to see me any different. Last week she patted me on she arm and said see you later hun. After giving everyone a hug and kiss. Harsh. So Today I went to talk to my mom at the cemetary. As I was talking and crying, I thougth about how my mom would never treat anyone like this. SHe would welcome anyone in and hug them a if they were blood. Thats how she was reaised and thats how she raised me. I hate it because I just want my M.I.L approval. But today, I have come to the realization that I'm not looking for her approval but actually looking for a piece of me that is gone. My mother. She is the next best thing. I need to let this go and move on and face it that I am not her child, I never will be her child and I will never be good enough for her baby. Maybe it was my mom passing so quickly, I couldnt process grieving. Maybe it was because I didnt want to see that my mom was gone. Maybe it was the tramitic part in my life. But today I needed to see this. This tramatic event in my life has determined how I have lived my lfe. I need to face this. I'm just not sure how I can.
High anxiety day
Anxiety Support / by pinkPine6124
Last post
 June 28th, 2021
...See more My husband is having stomach issues right now and hes not sure whats going on. He thinks its more than just built up gas. His father recently passed from prostate cancer and he is afraid he might have somehting. His dad went into the hospital for stomach issues and found out he had stage 4 cancer with no treatent that could help.His father passed 3 weeks later. He rode his bike over 12 miles just a couple weeks earlier. I'm so scared for his test results to show something more than just a bad diet and stress. He stresses about money, bills, work and our 14 year old child. I'm tryng to be as calm as possible to keep him calm but I'm freaked out. His blood results online last night just showed he could be pre diabetic. But he can lower that number by cutting out chicken sandwiches from Mcdonalds and eating healthier. I think its just a bad diet. At least I'm praying its just bad diet and not exercising. I havn't had bad anxiety in a few weeks and last night spiked. I just told him I was tired and anxious from a long day. Then this morning I talked him into eating a banana with his fruit salad and he tried to hand me a sharp knife to cut it. I told him I needed a butter knife to cut it like my mom used to and as I was cutting it, I started crying because all I could see was my mom cutting bananas for my sandwich when I was younger. I miss her so much. I needed to hold back because I didnt want to add anything moe to my husband. I love him very much and I dont want anything to happen to him. I know he has done the same for me. I lost my mom to cancer also in the same way. She went to the hospital for chest issues and was told she had lung cancer. She passed 6 weeks later. I was only 19.It hit me so hard this morning. I'm worried about my husband and I miss my parents so much. Its a very hard day today. I know its not about me but I feel very overwelmed. Usually I'm good under stress but today I cant today.
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