Lost mom to suicide

@RachelW1994.  I’m sorry for your loss. Do you have anyone to talk to about it. There are listeners here as well as a grief forum. 

@RachelW1994 Hi, I'm Celine :) I'm so sorry you went through this. I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling this way, and I want to emphasize that these feelings of guilt are a natural response. It's common for people to replay their last interactions and wonder what they could have done differently, but it's important to remember it's not your fault. It might be helpful to talk to someone about your last conversation with your mom, expressing your feelings and thoughts in a safe space. Understanding that your mom's decision was influenced by factors beyond your control can help alleviate some of the guilt.

@RachelW1994

It's completely understandable as to why you'd feel that way... thank you for sharing it with us, must've been really heartbreaking...

@RachelW1994

I'm so sorry for your loss and especially losing someone so close to you in such a tragic fashion. And the fact that you were the last to speak with her and didn't say nice things--I can't imagine the weight of the guilt upon you.

I will say this though--whatever was said and done, it wasn't your fault that your mom decided she didn't want to deal with life anymore. I'm sure that you and other family members and people that knew her are wracking your heads wondering what could have been done, but sometimes you just did what other people would have done given the same circumstances and situation. You say yourself that you don't know what could have saved her--I wouldn't be surprised if people around you didn't know either. And a lot of times people around those who have taken their own life wonder too what they could have done different, so it's not your fault.

I know you didn't say nice things before she passed, and I don't know what kind of person your mom was, but I doubt that she was wishing ill will against you. A lot of people may take their own life because they feel they are a burden to others--I don't know if this is your mom, as you haven't given much information (I might entirely be off, and you can ignore this), so perhaps she believed you would be better off without her. And that she wanted you to be happy and live your life to the fullest and wouldn't have wanted you to feel as much guilt as you are having now. (You can point out that these are just assumptions and how could I possible know, and you would be entirely correct--I don't know you and your mom, and you know your mom way better than I ever will.) 

It's true that you feel deeply guilty, that the words you said in the past are haunting you, but it's okay to move on, and you can be happy and learn and grow as life goes forward. You don't have to live the rest of your life feeling guilty, and it's okay to be happy. Sometimes, we say things we really regret, and it doesn't mean that we're bad people; in reality, the fact that you regret so much what you said to your mom shows how human you are and much you loved her and how much you wished you could have saved her. I can tell how much you care about your mom and would do anything to have her back. So I really hope that you are able to find some peace with yourself and in your heart forgive yourself.