I need some help sorting this out.
Hello everyone! I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right thread, but it's the best one that I can think of since I know my behavior results from trauma. Recently, I've figured out that I may have issues with control in some way. When I say control I don't mean that I feel the need to control everything about someone. That's the last thing I want to do. I've been in several situations where someone has tried to control everything about me, and would never wish that on anyone. I respect people as their own person, and would never try to take that away from them.
I'm not quite sure how to describe it, but my biggest form of control I've realized is taking care of things, and I don't specifically mean people. Taking care of anything (plants, animals, people, etc) makes me feel OVERALL in control, but I'm not sure as to why it makes me feel that way. I don't take care of things, and people specifically for control. It's something that I genuinely enjoy doing, and am always more than happy to do so. I'm not sure if this is important, but I was heavily relied on as a caretaker growing up, so it has always been my first instinct too help.
The thing is, I have issues with people returning that energy, and taking care of me, to the point where it can make me agitated if they keep pushing. It's not that I feel like I don't deserve it (at least not for the most part) I hope I don't sound conceited, but I know that I do. I guess that I feel that having someone take care of me takes away my power. I've had people hold what they've done for me over my head my whole life, which I definitely think plays a factor in my feelings. I'm not quite sure how to word it, but it's more I feel like they're taking away my power, and control when they try to, and I really struggle with asking for help. I definitely think trust issues have a play in this as well because I don't trust anyone enough to definitely take care of me, and to make me let my guard down.
Has anyone else experienced this? Does anyone have any advice?
@Blueturtle1111
Greetings, Blue,
Thank you for your share. I see you were second guessing your word choice throughout your post; however, I think you articulated yourself very well.
The control factor is a coping mechanism many of us turn to after a life filled with disappointment, myself included, unconscious or otherwise. This often occurs when we come to the conclusion that our environment has somehow become unsafe, and we have no one to rely on but ourselves.
Throughout my own therapy sessions, we talked a lot about the behavior that results from the obsessive-compulsive personality. One of my earliest break throughs in my own healing came when I understood the control fallacy better by acknowledging that I held the belief that if I controlled everything in my life then no harm could come to me. It took me some time and personal reflection to understand that I was exhausting myself trying to exercise a narrative that was simply untrue. Much of my recovery centered around the art of letting go and being more receptive to receiving the support I was so quick to give away without expecting anything in return.
The truth is relationships with others should be a fair balance of give and take and for some of us that takes practice. I also have a history of not asking for help and hesitating to give my power away. I think it's important to remember that there is also power to be found in vulnerability and developing clear strong boundaries is what returns our agency to us in the face of hurt. Here are some words that resonated with me during this time in my life:
"Acutely aware of our own transience, we alternate between an aching despondency and a rebellion against the facts. We cling to our loved ones, or remove ourselves from them, rather than loving them in all of their vulnerability. In so doing we distance ourselves from a grief that is an inevitable component of affection. Using our best obsessional defenses to keep this mourning at bay, we pay a price in how isolated and cut off we can feel. Love and grieving, like separation and connection, are co-constitutive. Opening oneself to one emotion deepens the experience of the other. The heart can open in sadness as much as it does in joy. His point is that everything is always changing. When we take loved objects into our egos with the hope or expectation of having them forever, we are deluding ourselves and postponing an inevitable grief...by pushing away the painful aspect of experience we isolate ourselves from our own capacity for love.
The solution is not to deny attachment but to become less controlling in how we love. It is the very tendency to protect ourselves against mourning that is the cause of the greatest dissatisfaction. It is possible to have a relationship to transience that is not adversarial, in which the ability to embrace the moment takes precedence over fear of its passing."
~Mark Epstein, Going to Pieces Without Falling Apart, A Buddhist Perspective on Wholeness
