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I just do not know what to think anymore

aquaCat5314 March 19th

Both my husband and I both have some trama in our childhood.


My husband says he only has two emotions happy or mad.

I think at times I suffer from depression and anxiety. Currently I feel nothing (maybe it is the best time to tell things as emotions are left out)


We have been married over 10 years. A couple years ago while holding a knife he threatened to stab me if I ever yell at him again. (I did not think I had yelled, but I probably had raised my voice as he kept asking the same question over and over again)


Beginning of this year when his mom was visiting, he was mad at me for not responding to her fast enough so made a fist and you could tell he restrained himself and only tapped me with it under the table. He used to say things like “well I’ve never hit you” “you know some women get beat by their husbands”


A month after the fact he informed me(and only because his friends told him it was cheating) that when he took a solo trip out of the country and went to the strippers he did activities (no private parts but did include kissing the body, chocking ) that I see as cheating he does not as he did not have sex.


Since he has asked permission to bring someone into our bed or go to a lady of the night himself as he is not happy I’m his first/only. I had said no a couple weeks ago. But now I’m just tired of it being brought up and said he can.


He says he wants to work on our relationship: willing to do therapy etc. But then when I said maybe try two months and if we need help go then and he said no. He also was questioning when I said that I think I will try to go to therapy.


I told him the other night when we asked how I was feeling that “I feel the world has nothing to offer me and I have nothing to offer the world” (giving up on life) he replied “You need to grow up and never say anything like that to me again”


He wants me to work on my health always asking “What is wrong with you?” When I actually find something that may be wrong and want to ask the doctor about it he accuses me of jumping down rabbit holes on tictok (he is the one that even sent me the one tictok about it)


When we talk about trying to heal our relationship it is almost exclusively about what I need to do. He might say he agrees to trying something like weekly check ins, etc. Then next he will disagree and say I just need to start fixing it and start doing what he needs.


Though not everybody knows even this much I have been told I need to be more understanding of my husband, My husband is abusive, my husband is loyal and honest and I need to stop being selfish and just thinking about me.


I just do not know and feel so alone

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mytwistedsoul March 20th

@aquaCat5314 I'll admit I don't have much experience when it comes to relationships but there seems to be an awful lot of red flags

With childhood trauma it's understandable that you have anxiety and depression. With what you're dealing with in regard to your husband that would only add to the anxiety and depression

He's threatened you with a weapon and with his hands. He's made comments that some women get beat by their husbands. Good husbands don't do that especially over something as simple as not responding fast enough. 

He says he wants to work on the relationship but goes to strip clubs and kisses on strange women and want to bring other women into your bed or hook up with prostitutes. That would make it cheating not just physically but emotionally too. It shouldn't matter that you're his first or the only woman he's been with. What would his reaction be if roles were reversed? 

I don't mean to assume but you must feel unsafe around him. Both physically and emotionally. When you tell him how you feel and what your thoughts are and he tells you to grow up and never say anything like that to him again? He's your husband you should be able to talk to him about anything and he should be supportive of you if you want to go to therapy. Maybe he's afraid that if you see a professional and talk about your relationship with him that the therapist would tell you that what he's saying and doing isn't right? If anything he's the one that needs to grow up because only immature people think it's ok to hit and threaten others

No he's the selfish one and he's not loyal. Not if he's thinks having s*x with other women is ok. He wants you to be the dutiful wife while he goes out and does whatever he wants to do with no consequences to him. He's gaslighting you into thinking that you're the one with the problem but yet doesn't want you to seek help. Which makes me think that deep down he knows what he's doing is wrong. Whoever told you that you need to be more understanding of your husband is wrong. What's to understand? Marriage involves both people putting in the effort to making it work. He wants you to do all the work while he gets to do whatever he wants. That is extremely unfair to you 

Like I said at the beginning I don't have much experience with relationships so these are just my thoughts and opinions. I hope others will reply too

Maybe you could also post this on the relationship section too? 
2 replies

@mytwistedsoul. Even though you haven’t had a lot of experience with relationships you have excellent insights. I agree with what you said.  Very wise words for @aquaCar5314.

1 reply
mytwistedsoul March 20th

@adventurousBranch3786  Thank you! :)

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@aquaCat5314. I’m in a 27 year relationship. I would have been terrified if my husband/partner would have ever threatened me with a knife!  I don’t understand how someone could be “more understanding “ about that! I agree with what @mytwistedsoul said about gaslighting from your husband.
aquaCat5314 OP March 21st

@adventurousbranch and @mytwistedsoul thank you for your comments. I have reached out anonymously to an organization where I live to help me assess my situation and determine what is next. Now I’m left feeling sick to my stomach and I have not even heard back from them yet.

2 replies

@aquaCat5314 Best wishes to you. I hope the organization will be able to help.
mytwistedsoul March 22nd

@aquaCat5314 I'm proud of you for reaching out. I'm sure it wasn't easy to do. It's good to have an idea of what options you have. You'll be in my thoughts.  Feel free to keep us posted but of course there's no pressure either

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