It sounds like your parents have majorly impacted how you perceive yourself. This is understandable. They were your guardians, and it was their responsibility to protect you. Instead, they hurt you, and one of them seems like she still hurts you to this day. I can imagine these feelings are very difficult to handle, especially when you are forced to face them whenever you are shown kindness.
I suspect I understand how you feel, as I went through something similar. As a child and teenager, my self-esteem was non-existent. I could never take a compliment because it felt like a disservice to the other person — the other person, who was generous enough to spare me a tiny fraction of their time to even talk to me, despite me not deserving that much. I always felt like a burden and could not fathom that others could like me or any of my work, as my parents also blamed me for pretty much everything.
But fast forward a few years, and now I'm an adult. My self-esteem is still pretty awful, but I'm now able to accept compliments, even though they still feel repulsive to me. It's a journey for me. It will be a journey for you, too.
So why did things get better for me? It's actually a combination of a few things:
1. I found a trustworthy support system. This does not have to be friends. For years, my only support system was forums and chatrooms like this. It's fine to rely on these for a bit, but friends who are invested in you as a person will help you in a unique way forums and chatrooms cannot.
2. I began to self-reflect. I didn't realise how much things hurt me until very recently, and unpacking them helped me understand more about why I think and feel the way I do. Consequently, finding solutions became easier.
3. I started to see myself as a person. You may or may not find this relatable, but I don't see myself as human. If you asked me whether I would actually blame someone else who was in my exact position for their problems, I'd be adamant that they weren't at fault — that they deserved better. And when I realised that I've been blaming an infant/toddler/child (myself) for getting abused — it shocked me.
Nobody knows you better than yourself, and that's why you are your greatest asset. You don't have to be your worst enemy, but sometimes that's the role we find ourselves in. We don't choose to take it; it was forced on us. You can't control how you feel nor what you believe. They are reactions to what you have learned. As a teacher, ask yourself this: What have you been taught, and how can you reteach yourself?
TL;DR:
Get to know yourself and what you need. Identify the core issue. Break it down until you understand it completely. And if you can't, try not to be afraid to ask for help.
Good luck.
