Authentic Communication with Parts

I was having some self reflection time this afternoon and listened to a few podcasts on trauma. I heard Gabor Maté say that ‘giving up authenticity in favour of attachment’ is a common trauma pattern. We all have 2 fundamental needs, authenticity (to accept ourselves and be accepted by others) and attachment. Attachment in early years is vital for survival. When bad experiences happen to us that cause us to override our gut feelings in order to stay attached to our caregivers, this is an example of attachment over authenticity.

I recently went through some difficult experiences and noticed that many ‘friends’ weren’t there for me when I needed help. Increasingly I was having to ‘not be me’ to fit in so I left. But then it occurred to me that there are parts inside who have this same dilemma. So how can we authentically connect to our inner world/our parts after trauma?

In DID open chat we often talk about our child parts needing/wanting attachment from others. Sometimes it can lead to difficult boundaries or feel embarrassing to older parts or those of us with a more avoidant attachment style. We always encourage child parts to connect to the adult parts because those parts will always be there for them. But what if they aren’t?

Often old trauma patterns mean that we continue ‘give up’ our authenticity to ‘fit it’. I know for myself, making everyone else ok (externally) meant we were safer, so it was a logical defence strategy. But as we get older the cost of giving up our true selves is too great and can lead to addiction, chronic illness & disconnection from those authentic parts of ourselves that we say no to.

We see this conflict play out in our internal world all the time. Some parts are angry at the injustices that happen to us (and rightly so). Then the protective parts come in to quieten things down to appease the outside and keep us externally connected. But some of our parts on the inside can feel that we have left them behind or exiled them in favour of outside connection. In our system they looked outside for connection because us inside adults taught them that’s what was important.

How do we authentically connect to, and have safe attachments with our parts? We need to find out at what point were they taught to ignore their gut feelings. Us externally focused daily life parts need to sit with those needs and feelings that we have ignored and accept them. Work out what is needed, and make sure we accept the need. Then we need to negotiate how to meet the need without saying no to ourselves, and move to a healthier ‘yes’.

Gabor Maté recently wrote a book called the Myth of Normal. In it he gives us 6 questions to work out where we got disconnected:
- Where in your life to you have difficulty saying no?
- What was the impact on you not saying no? (shame, loss of control - main trigger for stress).
- What is the belief that keeps you from saying no? (It will probably show up as a story.)
- How did you develop that story? Where or from whom did you learn that?
- Who would you be if you didn’t believe that you must not say no?
- What are you not saying yes to?

Our parts often hold the memories that link to those beliefs, so we need them to help us with the missing pieces of the puzzle. By working through the questions together and making ‘internal enquiries’, we can begin to authentically connect. With connection comes an understanding of what was ours (the no’s we didn’t speak) and what was other peoples (the stories they told us).

Lastly I leave you with a little poem:
The body

The body keeps the score,
Yes, I’ve heard this before,
It’s not just the score it keeps,
But all the times we didn’t weep.

It tells the story of the pain,
The times we suppressed the shame,
It holds all the no’s we shout,
The ones that didn’t come out.

The body kept us alive,
It’s helps us to survive,
It’s brilliant and ashamed,
We disconnect it from our name.

Pretend like it’s not there,
Don’t give it any care,
If it’s not really mine,
I won’t let out a whine.

But it is mine and it’s there,
No matter how hard I stare,
The mirror doesn’t become my friend,
But body is still mine in the end.


If you want to watch the podcast that inspired this reflection you can watch it here:
https://youtu.be/PLvCXIvgrGQ?si=35MjT666h34ecApB