20 Years of Dissociative Coping
I've had dissociative symptoms for almost 20 years. I haven't read the research for the condition because I didn't want to admit that these symptoms are real for me.
After I had a psychiatric break last November, and I could suddenly see how many ways my life had been affected by dissociation.
Now, for the first time since I was 15, I'm starting to seek help with my symptoms.
My experience with dissociation has evolved over time. Especially since I've left it untreated for so long. Most of my alters serve different functions than they did earlier in my life. Some have transformed almost completely into something new, or at least something unrecognizable to me from who they once were.
I don't know what this says about my symptoms now, but after 20 years, I'm very, very deeply bonded to my protector part.
I don't ever talk about this at all but my earliest tattoo was of his name, to honor his significance in my life. That was 11 years ago, and I haven't regretted respecting his presence in that way a day since. He's kept me alive for a long, long time. I sometimes joke with myself that I might request to have his name memorialized alongside mine as a nickname on my headstone one day.
We're not friends, him and me. My protector part doesn't really recognize that I exist. We never communicate verbally, and although I can give him subtle clues and sensations about the world around us, I don't think he understands where those, I guess, "sixth sense" type feelings come from.
I believe that I'm hosting for my alters. But heck, I'm not even confident in that anymore. The separation between all 9 of us in total is not as defined as it used to be. I was wanting to believe this meant we were naturally coming close to integration, but I was wrong. It's just a distortion of what used to be, and I still have a strong need for continuous psychotherapy to piece it out.
I read some of the forum posts here a few days ago and the understanding that hosts can change over a lifetime was something I'd never considered possible before. That said, I remember the exact place and point where I became I. Does that make sense? I think it's probable that I didn't have the means on my own to understand what might I might have been experiencing at the time.
Since I don't know too much about this condition or whole range of symptoms associated with it, and I'm still too anxious and sensitive to feel called out by the recorded research data, I have a few questions.
- Do you have similar experiences to some of the ones I've described here?
- Does anyone have any more insight about host exchange?
- How about alters who indirectly support a host by only recognizing and interacting with other alters?
- Am I even using any of the vocabulary surrounding this condition correctly?
- Would anyone be willing to share their own stories and experiences with me through PM?
I appreciate the time it took to read this through.
Thanks for your patience. :)
Hey :) It's nice to meet you. So yeah. Alters or parts can change and evolve and split. Some parts can go dormant. Their roles or jobs can change too
There can be different hosts. I have two others that will host at times
That sixth sense is influence. You influence his behavior and decisions. It sounds like you trust him alot and that's a good thing :) a really good thing
A part that indirectly supports the host by only recognizing the other parts and interacting with them. Sounds like it could be a caretaker part
Do you have communication with any of them? Do they know that time has passed and that they're safe now?
The research can be hit and miss tbh. Each system is different in It's own way
Have you checked out our dissociation section in the trauma community? There's some really good information there that might be helpful. This is a really good site too for information - https://did-research.org/
I have to admit I don't have all the answers alot of us here are still trying to figure out things. And it's a lot to take in and try to figure out and understand. It takes a lot of time and patience but it's worth it to give everyone a voice and the chance to heal
I hope to see you around :) We have chats here in the trauma room too for both trauma and DID/OSDD and just dissociative disorders. The schedule is Here. You're welcome to join in. If you have any questions feel free to reach out to either me or a leader. If I don't know the answer I'll try to find someone that does :)
@mytwistedsoul
Hey great! Thanks for these resources. I made a note of the trauma chat schedule, so I imagine we'll run into each other some time. :)
I have had parts go dormant, and I've also experienced little parts that have aged up. I'm not really sure what that means yet.
Right now I don't have any open communication with any of them. It's all subtle information being passed in silent ways. I think that's because I pose some sort of threat as the host. If I'm the "real" being, then what does that make them? Not real? Semi-real? Not whole? Just a small part of something bigger? At any rate, if we get too close, it seems some existential rifts start to show.
As I understand it, they experience time differently than I do. Some experience themselves as being impossibly old. I'm not sure I know what that means either. Maybe some type of warped perception happening there.
I appreciate your insight to help shed some light for me on this topic.
Side note: Is that a little rat on your profile pic? They make amazing pets! I miss my two girls. They were so darling and sweet.
@Akeri You're welcome :) Alot of this is doing a lot of your own research because there can be such big differences between systems. We just have to figure out what works for us
@mytwistedsoul
