Healing but Grieving

I think I have an unhealthy attachment style. I grew up in an abusive household. When my father was acting up, I would avoid him or leave the room. If we fought, we would get into horrible arguments which he would always win or I would be spanked a lot- like, a LOT. I hated him but I was also terrified of him. My therapist says that I learned to never ask for what I needed out of a relationship, so I wouldn't be disappointed when I didn't get it. So now, the boundaries I have in relationships are defined by my presence in the relationship. If I'm there, I'm there 100%. I'm committed, loyal, funny, protective. I initiate intimacy. I will chase after them. I actually feel guilty having boundaries with loved ones. But if they treat me badly continuously or hurt me, I don't feel safe asking for what I want, so I will abandon the relationship and leave before they can break my spirit- like my dad, friends, partners, etc did in the past. I am ready to leave at a moment's notice. And when I leave, if they try to stop me I react because I feel threatened and trapped. As a teen I would lash out verbally. Once, I lashed out physically. I was fighting how my dad taught me, and while that's an explanation, that's absolutely no excuse. I haven't acted that way in five years. I feel so much grief for not being able to fully trust others. I feel so much shame for my old behavior. It feels like there is no one in my life besides my mom and my best friend who would ever prioritize any of my needs above their own. I give until I am empty inside. And even if I would receive that kind of love, I would never feel that I deserved it because I have seen parts of my dad in myself, in my worst moments. I have done years of work to improve my behavior, apologized, been forgiven by people I hurt, willingly gone to therapy, but I feel like it isn't good enough. I can't ever forgive myself, but I want love SO badly. I am trying desperately to be a better person, and I believe it is possible because I've already made so much progress compared to when I was younger. I'm an adult now, fairly successful by some standards. But I feel so much pain and anger at never being able to have a normal chance at love and intimacy. I am doomed with obstacles and baggage that no one else should have to deal with. I don't want to hurt anyone again. I don't want to break someone's heart. I am so so lonely. I know I could give someone a wonderful life if I could just trust them. If I could just believe that I could strongly disagree with someone without being abused, and stay in the relationship. If I wasn't so damn hypervigilant and paranoid. If I wasn't constantly waiting to see if I need to run away. I am grieving a life I don't believe I will have, a life I would reject if I ever had a chance at it. Because I see myself as a problem. How I love people is not healthy, even though I have so much love to give. I know this is something that can only heal with time, humility, and hard work. I am just so afraid, with Valentine's Day rolling around, that I will never heal enough to be truly loved. But I am relieved to have come this far, to have changed this much that I can realize this about myself. I want to heal so that I can love someone properly and make them happy. I guess I just feel disappointed it took me this long to realize what was wrong with me.