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Evenstar8
2,614 M Hopeful Heart 5
PathStep 21 Compassion hearts78 Forum posts90 Forum upvotes111 Current upvotes111 Age GroupAdult Last activeMay, 2023 Member sinceApril 10, 2016
Bio

Hi, call me Evenstar, since that's my username...I am 24 years old, and I have struggled with a lot of problems, like depression, anxiety, loneliness, traumatic experiences, and stuff. I can't believe I've been on here for 5 years...Jesus.

Recent forum posts
Never Got Closure
Relationship Stress / by Evenstar8
Last post
 February 6th, 2022
...See more (WARNING: VERY LONG) I had a best friend from between the ages of 14 and 20. We were very close and helped each other with a lot of our mental difficulties and trauma. She had ADHD/depression/anxiety and I had PTSD/depression/anxiety. I never minded her ADHD because I liked how creative and free spirited she was compared to me. I told her it was a part of her I appreciated, and I knew it could be hard but I didn't ever want to change her. We had a bunch of sleepovers and were genuinely best friends. But when we started going to college, she started to hang around other groups of more popular students and go to their parties. I wasn't invited, and when I was it was half-hearted, like an afterthought. When I would decline they would seem relieved. Her friends were mean to me and no one noticed until I brought it up as the reason I didn't want to go anywhere. Then they started acting extra nice because they felt guilty and inviting me even though they didn't want to. Suddenly my friend was only texting me when she wanted to complain about her own problems or talk about her accomplishments. If I brought up anything new from my life they would briefly acknowledge it but then force the conversation back to themselves. They had started dating this guy in high school who I was eager to like, but he said something racist directed to me and my heritage and he was a pretentious hipster. I was shocked that she just overlooked it because she always claimed to be progressive and she was also a person of color. She promised to get him to apologize but then got frustrated when I said it didn't matter if he apologized because she would be making him and it wouldn't mean anything. I said I just didn't like him and that was that. They dated for a long time and she kept bringing him over to hangouts that were supposed to be for just me and her to catch up. I had to invite him to parties I invited her to because she pressured me and I didn't want to make her sad. Then a grandparent she was close to died, and I didn't see her for a long time. I comforted her, of course. I said if she needed anything she just had to tell me. She never asked me for anything. After not seeing her for a while, I invited her to a Halloween party with my other friends to reconnect. I was so excited, I didn't even care that she was bringing her boyfriend. But when we went to go to a haunted house, she said she was too anxious to go inside, and it would trigger her after her grandparent's death. I immediately apologized for not being more thoughtful, expressed concern, and told her she could stay at my house with her boyfriend while I went with the others, and then we could hang out after. But then she got really uncomfortable and fidgety, and finally admitted that she was going to a rock concert with her boyfriend that was being held at her college. That she had only heard about recently. When I had planned this party in advance. I looked at her and my expression must have been so bad that she immediately started apologizing. She was trying to justify it. I looked her in the eyes and said something like "Just go. If you want to go, then go. But don't keep making excuses." After that we stayed friends for a while, but my heart was broken. I decided to ignore her and slowly let our friendship drift apart. She texted me more than she had in years, with good mornings and saying she wanted to check in and such. Finally after a while of that I just told her that I wanted to stop being friends because the amount of times she texted me made me uncomfortable and I thought we were already not friends, that we were drifting apart naturally and we should just let it happen. She asked me if she had done anything wrong to cause this and if she could apologize and make it right. I lied to her. I told her it was just natural and to not blame herself. And then I blocked her on everything. Now, 4 years later, she is no longer with that asshole. I know because his Facebook says "Single". I check up on them sometimes because I always saw that situation as her choosing him over me, and I wanted to know if it was worth it. I admit I did a lot of things wrong in that friendship too. I was judgmental, I was jealous of her social skills, I did not forgive easily, I had no clue how to help her through her grieving because I had never lost someone. But I was loyal and was there for her even when she stopped being there for me. I wish I hadn't lied to her and I could have vented to her about what she did. But at that point I just wanted it to end and I didn't want to guilt her into behaving better temporarily. I've thought about her a lot over the years and I miss her. But I also can't forget how she accidentally hurt my feelings over and over. She blamed a lot of it on her ADHD, but I have had other friends with ADHD since then who have never neglected me like she did. I just wasn't interesting or "new" enough for her. I don't know what to do about this, how I stop feeling bad about it. Sorry for the long rant.
Healing but Grieving
Trauma Support / by Evenstar8
Last post
 April 21st, 2022
...See more I think I have an unhealthy attachment style. I grew up in an abusive household. When my father was acting up, I would avoid him or leave the room. If we fought, we would get into horrible arguments which he would always win or I would be spanked a lot- like, a LOT. I hated him but I was also terrified of him. My therapist says that I learned to never ask for what I needed out of a relationship, so I wouldn't be disappointed when I didn't get it. So now, the boundaries I have in relationships are defined by my presence in the relationship. If I'm there, I'm there 100%. I'm committed, loyal, funny, protective. I initiate intimacy. I will chase after them. I actually feel guilty having boundaries with loved ones. But if they treat me badly continuously or hurt me, I don't feel safe asking for what I want, so I will abandon the relationship and leave before they can break my spirit- like my dad, friends, partners, etc did in the past. I am ready to leave at a moment's notice. And when I leave, if they try to stop me I react because I feel threatened and trapped. As a teen I would lash out verbally. Once, I lashed out physically. I was fighting how my dad taught me, and while that's an explanation, that's absolutely no excuse. I haven't acted that way in five years. I feel so much grief for not being able to fully trust others. I feel so much shame for my old behavior. It feels like there is no one in my life besides my mom and my best friend who would ever prioritize any of my needs above their own. I give until I am empty inside. And even if I would receive that kind of love, I would never feel that I deserved it because I have seen parts of my dad in myself, in my worst moments. I have done years of work to improve my behavior, apologized, been forgiven by people I hurt, willingly gone to therapy, but I feel like it isn't good enough. I can't ever forgive myself, but I want love SO badly. I am trying desperately to be a better person, and I believe it is possible because I've already made so much progress compared to when I was younger. I'm an adult now, fairly successful by some standards. But I feel so much pain and anger at never being able to have a normal chance at love and intimacy. I am doomed with obstacles and baggage that no one else should have to deal with. I don't want to hurt anyone again. I don't want to break someone's heart. I am so so lonely. I know I could give someone a wonderful life if I could just trust them. If I could just believe that I could strongly disagree with someone without being abused, and stay in the relationship. If I wasn't so damn hypervigilant and paranoid. If I wasn't constantly waiting to see if I need to run away. I am grieving a life I don't believe I will have, a life I would reject if I ever had a chance at it. Because I see myself as a problem. How I love people is not healthy, even though I have so much love to give. I know this is something that can only heal with time, humility, and hard work. I am just so afraid, with Valentine's Day rolling around, that I will never heal enough to be truly loved. But I am relieved to have come this far, to have changed this much that I can realize this about myself. I want to heal so that I can love someone properly and make them happy. I guess I just feel disappointed it took me this long to realize what was wrong with me.
Texting
Relationship Stress / by Evenstar8
Last post
 January 27th, 2022
...See more So I might have a bit of a weird problem- I hate when people are attentive in texting. I know it's polite of them to say good morning to me each day and such, but I literally talked with them once on a dating app and now they're doing that. I know I should feel cared about, but I don't like it when people respond too quickly either. It's probably because I have a really busy life right now and when someone wants to talk too much I run out of things to say. I guess I'm just not someone who wants to talk for hours out of a day unless I actually know the person and the idea of getting to know someone through that process exhausts me. I know it's not polite, but I've been ghosting because I just don't have any energy to respond. :/ I definitely want someone in my life, but I'm not looking for anything serious and texting me multiple times a day feels like too much when I barely know the person. I'm thinking about just unmatching but idk if this is a big enough issue to do that, because I feel like they're just trying to be nice and the problem is with me.
Idk how to hookup bc of trauma
Relationship Stress / by Evenstar8
Last post
 October 12th, 2021
...See more I dated a man for a long time but that ended recently and I'm completely put off men. I have a lot of sexual trauma from my first relationship. In my most recent relationship sex was also an issue as I did not feel desired at all and felt like I had to work very hard to receive any attention at all. I've never had to flirt before and I've never casually dated or hooked up. Now I want to date women and people outside the gender binary as I am pansexual. I think this could finally be my chance to explore interacting with other genders sexually. I am receiving a lot of attention but I have no clue how to move from flirting to hooking up or how to feel safe hooking up when I don't know anything about these people. I can't get off unless I feel safe and secure with that person. I feel like I am somehow being too friendly/not flirting enough and also flirting too much. I also don't know how to have sex with someone that doesn't have a penis or how to make them feel good. I would like to go on a few dates so I can confirm that they're not serial killers or creepy but I also don't want to lead anyone on. It's all starting to feel like a lot of work and I've only been on dating apps for one day. Idk how anyone does this. Also someone flirted back with me and I nearly had a heart attack because I was so overwhelmed with emotion from having someone reciprocate my feelings. Any advice would be much appreciated.
Sudden Contact???
Relationship Stress / by Evenstar8
Last post
 April 22nd, 2021
...See more This is not about a current friend, but someone who I WAS friends with years ago. Like, nearly a decade ago. We stopped talking sometime in high school, I don't even remember why except there was some sort of falling out in our friend group. I don't remember very much about this person but we stayed Facebook friends all this time and she occasionally will like or comment on my stuff. At one time she was my best friend but as it stands now I know nothing about her and I'm not particularly interested either. I'm a different person now and I'm sure she is too. However she randomly reached out today after almost a decade of not chatting with me privately and now she wants to grab lunch and talk? I feel like somethings weird about that even though it seems like it could just be an innocent desire to catch up. Plus I have a ton of anxiety about it because I don't know anything about her and remember her being kind of odd (and not in the fun way). I know she remembers more than I do otherwise she wouldn't have reached out. I agreed anyway because who knows, it could be pleasant to meet her again. But has this ever happened to anyone else? How should I handle this?
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