here it goes...

I have been struggling with issues that my mother has created in my life. I have been focusing very hard on my health and well being to make sure that i cope with all of this properly to set an example for my son. This is hard for me to even write because i am so very private and do not want to burden people and loved ones with my story. In order to regain my freedom I am going to have to tell it.

I have no memory of my parents ever being together. They were married divorced and pregnant at a young age. My father (who is my world) stepped it up and worked many jobs and made the best out of our time together. He supported me through anything no matter what it was. My mother on the other hand had taken a turn for the worst. I do not remember a lot about her because honestly there are about two good memories with her and those happen to be pathetic in my opinion. My mother had Physically and emotionally abused me for the majority of my life and I am just now dealing with the suppressed feelings i have at 25. Better now than never right? My mother was way to open with me in the first place. I heard about her marital problems with my step dad, how she was molested, abused, her promiscuous sex life, all at the age of 8. Who tells an 8 year old that. For the longest time i walked around in fear wondering if someone would rape me. I lived in a constant state of fear and was under her gigantic spell of manipulation, lies, and guilt trips. My mother has never taken care of herself. she was diagnosed with bipolar and multiple personality disorder and as a child that was the one thing she didnt tell me. So as a small child i looked to her facial expressions and the way she talked as kind of clues as to what person she was at that moment. Sometimes she was 5 different people in one day. I never remember her wanting to be proactive and help herself and stay on medication. I have bipolar disorder but i handle it a lot differently I am medicated I use therapy meditation and support groups now to help me through my struggles. I have a disorder but i am not the disorder. she never had that mentality in fact she "liked it". since i was about 10 my mother had totally me constantly that i was the poster child for abortion and the reason it existed while grabbing my face and squeezing it. she would gladly say it in front of her friends and our neighbors and honestly i do not think they knew what to say. on a daily basis i was screamed at told i was an idiot. dragged across the house by my hair. she hated herself so much that any "fat" on my body was made fun of to the fullest extent. The only way she could have a relationship with my step dad was to make fun of people for their differences because thats the only way they connected. ill never forget the day where she purchased diet pills and made me take them the summer before middle school so i wasnt a "fat tub of goo". The worst part of any of my story is that she has told herself over and over that none of this happened that she has actually fallen into her own reality and believed all her own lies. she continued to physically abuse me through highschool and made me scared of everything. I still struggle with certain things as a result of her behavior. My self esteem has always been low and i am terrified that people talk about me and sometimes i still catch myself cleaning the house the way she made me clean it. an 8 year old should be playing outside and helping with chores and focusing on schoolwork. not watching her newborn brother while she leaves the house, scrubbing toilets and showers with comet, mopping, sweeping, laundry, on and on and on. as i got older her bad habits/self destructive behavior became more public within the household but the second she "slapped on some makeup", put her heels and rediculous outfits on she was a "saint" a "mental health advocate" a "friend" a "good person" she lied to everyone and threw people under the bus any chance she got. she was so codependant that she would stay out all night "helping someone" only to come home and drown herself in alcohol pills and chainsmoking until she sprayed herself with a gallon of perfume and did it all over. There was a point where her lies were starting to fall apart and she couldnt keep much of her story straight so she dropped her friends and turned to the next group of people so she could convey this image she had of herself without anyone questioning it. she continued to be violent and attacked me when i was seven months pregnant. i gave her another chance because she actually twisted my thoughts into thinking that was my fault. she wouldnt stop chain smoking around my newborn son. I asked her to repeatedly remove herself from the room and she refused. she continued to drink heavily and i never let her hold him for more than a second so she couldnt drop him and say " I didnt do anything, that wasnt my fault." our son ended up in the nicu because of her with gross motor spasms because there was a build up of mucas that he couldnt swallow. I have completley cut ties with her because i will NEVER let my son experienced what i experienced. I feel as if i had only grazed the surface of my story but ive never done this. i wish i could say writing this has made me feel one hundred percent better but i am not there yet. I am proactivley searching for my happiness and i am choosing to let it go. I want so badly to be free from her. I am not around her physically but i also want mental freedom from the pain she put me through.