Tired (TW)
I thought after I got out of recovery I would write a book. I was encouraged to. But it's actually a lot harder to write than you think when push comes to shove...lol �I'm 46, and an only child to a narcissistic mom. �My father left when I was 5, but he never wanted a kid. I only�saw him a handful of times after that, one of those times he molested me. Most of us here have had childhood trauma of sorts, I get that. I had weird traumas...seemingly unrelated things that left me wondering a truly "why me". �Being the daughter of a pretty narcissistic mother and of a genius father (no lie, Mensa and everything) put me in a bad position. �I was cute and super smart. �My mom could not handle that. I could not be prettier than her, more talented than her, more popular in any way, not smarter...the list was endless, of course unless she needed to use me to brag to someone. �Such a confusing life. I graduated at 16 with no support or direction, no talk of college or what I wanted to do with my life, just get out. (Unless you were raised in this environment it would be hard to understand the abusive situation fully). I tried to go to college 4 times throughout my life on my own and just could not swing it. I got pregnant at 23 by a guy I did not love, and sadly married, and no surprise was abusive. Which I now know why I hooked up with these kinds of guys....stick with what we know because it's all we know or think we deserve, etc. I never had any real friends because I had learned early on to be as low key and invisible as possible. �3 sexual abuses before the age of 16 did not help my self esteem at all. �An eating disorder that I did not realize I had at age 15 (called ED in denial). �I carried that around with me until I was 40. �Three kids, 2 divorces, 2 suicide attempts, 1�hospitalization, 6 years recovery, alone, no friends, and the only person in my life is my still abusive mom. I have my kids of course - but I'm there for them, they are not here to hold me up. �They are the best thing I've ever done. I broke that cycle at least - unfortunately their father is still in their life, but I hope I gave them the right foundation to not be him.�
So here I am at the present - I'm tired. I'm tired of counselors telling me I'm so strong. I'm tired of people venting to me becaues I'm "so strong", I'm tried of having to hold it together because everyone freaks out when I'm down...I'm not supposed to be down so I've been told. �I really hate hearing how everything will just be ok, like a placating pat on the head.�I had 3 psychologists tell me they couldn't help me because I was so self aware I was too far ahead of what they could do for me...basically �would�be paying them for me to just sit there and talk. �It would really have been a waste - but, I'm tired of having to be that strong. An old friend started contacting me out of the blue, and sure enough he wanted someone to talk to, accept him, vent to - I am a magnet. �But, it wasn't reciprocated. I had to cut him loose yesterday. When I told him that I didn't have the bandwidth to help him like that, he just said he understood and that was it. Nothing else. �I'm tired of being invisible as a real human with feelings. �I seem to be viewed as the person who can just handle everything, and I'm pretty much at the end of it all. I have nothing to give, even to myself anymore.
Don't people realize that those who are strong are usually so because they've had to be - not because they want to be?
[Edited by @QuietMagic 11/20/21 to remove stigmatizing content]
You are not too old to write! My grandmother is 92 years old and has published a few books over the past 15 years. She's old fashioned though .. her books are about marriage, divorce, and raising kids. And your other situation, I can relate to as well. My mother was/still is like this. My father left when I was about 5, she treated me like the scapegoat child and my younger brother like the golden child. I am just getting to know my father now after 25+ years. My 92 year old grandmother is his mom. They are a farm/country type people. So I figure the only reason my mom and dad got together was b/c of drugs/alcohol. It's pretty sad, but I am trying to forgive them. I made so many mistakes as a teen/young adult b/c I had no parents. My mom tried to live her dreams through me and I hated that. I rebelled so much. My advice to you, stop thinking so negative. You have been through a lot. Yes you are strong. I was a doormat to friends and let them vent to me about bullshit. I don't believe in friends anymore. My only friend is my husband. You have your kids. I'd like to have some, but I'm scared b/c of the way my mother was to me. Well, I can relate to you a lot.�
[Edited by @QuietMagic 11/20/21 to remove stigmatizing content]
Wow - I really relate to the making of the mistakes....you take it so hard right? Not like other people who just chalk it up to "life lessons"...A lot of alcohol and drug abuse in my family too. My mother is sober now, but I spent a lifetime being strict with myself (hence the ED). I keep pulling out the laptop to write - have a title and a good idea of a structure...I am still very afraid to hurt people. I'm trying to figure out a way to do this and make it ok for me all the way around.
This will sound weird - but it's so nice to meet someone who really knows what it's like. Thanks :)
You are aiming to write a bibliography right? There are a lot of people who I'm sure can relate to you, but will not admit it. You remember the crack epidemic in the 80's? Well this is the narcotic/opiod/benzodiazepine epidemic. People go to doctors whining about pain or anxiety they don't even have just to get the drugs. Some take them, some sell them. I used to take pain pills, so I kind of know that this generation has completely turned into a bunch of pill addicts. It's sad .. And the person who gave me my first Vicodin was my mother! She doesn't give a crap about me. I hope you take your instinct seriously if you would like to write a book. It's a fun hobby, but not many people are so good at writing. I hear people talk everyday .. I fix cars lol .. It's irritating at times when I get a customer who speaks that ghetto slang and acts as though it's normal English. No. lol But I understand you very much!
@TransAm85, I believe, If you want to have kids, that you have learned tough lessons "because" of your mom and the way she treated you. Some people wont be able to change, but i have seen people who have had it tough and do great because they would never dream of doing the things to anybody, that they had done to them by their parents. You know yourself better than anyone though.
I want to have kids and of course my husband does, but I am very nervous. I look at the past and remember how my mom treated my brother and I .. I have a parrot named Snoopy. I love that bird. One day my husband said to me, "I know you would be a great mom b/c I see how you treat Snoopy. Snoopy's a macaw, not a hawk, but you watch over her like a hawk!" Kind of a weird comparisson but .. I guess lol.
Hi Yard. Let me start by saying I am sorry you have been going through such a tough experience in life.�Although we can become tough as nails because of it, doesnt mean it isnt refreshing to know someone understands. I too have had a long history with people like this beginning with my father. Unfortunately my childrens fathers are also similar and I worry about the affects it will have on them. I dont know if I have much to offer you because you sound very educated on the matter and thats how I started my healing process. �I am now�well aware of the self validation attempts that I have made over the years and also feel just like you when it comes to being a magnet for them.��But I will share with you what another listener told me and maybe you will be able to reflect. "Maybe you are attracting these types of people subconsciously", "Maybe you should stop trying to fix your parent through your significant others" "Be kind to yourself and stop punishing yourself for not being loved". Yard these people cannot love and will do anything to turn�you into the monster they are. �Even if it means destroying thier own children.�It is unfortunate but�dont let them take your ability to love others and especially to love yourself away from you. If you do they have won.�
[Edited by @QuietMagic 11/20/21 to remove stigmatizing content]
Thanks Penny. It is comforting - so much so - to know that these even seemingly self-destructive things I do are not because I'm just a self-hater...lol Maybe it is a real by product of my situation. I've needed a little real validation for along time to get out of this rut. I do a lot self-prefection types of behaviors, so I've spent a little time lately cleaning out my mental closets, trying to keep out and get rid of people in my life that are not good. It's a bit lonely, but I have to do it, and keep trying to learn how to get the right people in my life. You can teach old dogs new tricks, that is my positive mantra :)
As long as they are not dogs lol. Your mantra is very powerful and you continue to move forward! They are so manipulative and masters at mimicking the perfect individual. But its a matter of time before that expiration date arrives and they have to snatch their mask off before they suffocate. I know to others it may sound harsh but we know the truth hurts. �Yes it gets lonely but its so worth it. They will slip into your life but just keep at it! Keep filtering them out and you will end up with the people who truly love you. They�dont�deserve you! ☺
[Edited by @QuietMagic 11/20/21 to remove stigmatizing content]
I understand that, I am one of those people forced into being strong, as a result of others poor choices. But....I am stronger for it. So to all those lazy ass shmucks...THANKS A LOT
@easytortoise20, thats a great frame of mind to have. I sent a compliment to someone else on this site about the good comments and words of support tou always give but then I saw you post and realize I sent it to the wrong one. They only had part of your screen name, then I realized I had made a mistake. Keep being who you are!! :):)
Thank you for your post. I'm sorry for what happened.I really enjoyed reading it.I can understand some of what you've been through. It's good to know that there's others out there who still have hope, even after life just hasn't gone the way they planned. When you do sit down and write that book, it will be an inspiration for people who have had similarlife experiences as you. It'll also help you heal as well.So please, keep on having faith. :)
