convivialYard4345 Member Profile

...See more I thought after I got out of recovery I would write a book. I was encouraged to. But it's actually a lot harder to write than you think when push comes to shove...lol �I'm 46, and an only child to a narcissistic mom. �My father left when I was 5, but he never wanted a kid. I only�saw him a handful of times after that, one of those times he molested me. Most of us here have had childhood trauma of sorts, I get that. I had weird traumas...seemingly unrelated things that left me wondering a truly "why me". �Being the daughter of a pretty narcissistic mother and of a genius father (no lie, Mensa and everything) put me in a bad position. �I was cute and super smart. �My mom could not handle that. I could not be prettier than her, more talented than her, more popular in any way, not smarter...the list was endless, of course unless she needed to use me to brag to someone. �Such a confusing life. I graduated at 16 with no support or direction, no talk of college or what I wanted to do with my life, just get out. (Unless you were raised in this environment it would be hard to understand the abusive situation fully). I tried to go to college 4 times throughout my life on my own and just could not swing it. I got pregnant at 23 by a guy I did not love, and sadly married, and no surprise was abusive. Which I now know why I hooked up with these kinds of guys....stick with what we know because it's all we know or think we deserve, etc. I never had any real friends because I had learned early on to be as low key and invisible as possible. �3 sexual abuses before the age of 16 did not help my self esteem at all. �An eating disorder that I did not realize I had at age 15 (called ED in denial). �I carried that around with me until I was 40. �Three kids, 2 divorces, 2 suicide attempts, 1�hospitalization, 6 years recovery, alone, no friends, and the only person in my life is my still abusive mom. I have my kids of course - but I'm there for them, they are not here to hold me up. �They are the best thing I've ever done. I broke that cycle at least - unfortunately their father is still in their life, but I hope I gave them the right foundation to not be him.� So here I am at the present - I'm tired. I'm tired of counselors telling me I'm so strong. I'm tired of people venting to me becaues I'm "so strong", I'm tried of having to hold it together because everyone freaks out when I'm down...I'm not supposed to be down so I've been told. �I really hate hearing how everything will just be ok, like a placating pat on the head.�I had 3 psychologists tell me they couldn't help me because I was so self aware I was too far ahead of what they could do for me...basically �would�be paying them for me to just sit there and talk. �It would really have been a waste - but, I'm tired of having to be that strong. An old friend started contacting me out of the blue, and sure enough he wanted someone to talk to, accept him, vent to - I am a magnet. �But, it wasn't reciprocated. I had to cut him loose yesterday. When I told him that I didn't have the bandwidth to help him like that, he just said he understood and that was it. Nothing else. �I'm tired of being invisible as a real human with feelings. �I seem to be viewed as the person who can just handle everything, and I'm pretty much at the end of it all. I have nothing to give, even to myself anymore. Don't people realize that those who are strong are usually so because they've had to be - not because they want to be? [Edited by @QuietMagic 11/20/21 to remove stigmatizing content]

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