Pregnant and feeling helpless at times
I don't know where to start...I am currently pregnant with my 4th child and separated from the father recently. We had too many issues and I am forcing myself to let go even though it is hard. A part of me still loves him but I also hate him. I've been abused by my father and ex boyfriends before him, but he is by far the worse. I got paid, I'm afraid of him at times and I avoided doing simple things as going to certain stores, watching how I dress and cutting off all support I had from my family just to make him happy. He physically assaulted me when I was pregnant with our first son and then again with this pregnancy. He constantly called me a smut, whore, bitch, said I'm good for nothing. His words stood with me and i have low self esteem because of it. He damaged me so bad, where I feel like I would never be happy with someone because I am simply not worthy enough. It's crazy because when we were good, he would tell me I'm beautiful, and he would do anything for me and help me around the house and be a great father. I tried to convince myself maybe he would stop verbally and physically abusing me. He constantly blamed me for the way that he acts. Says he doesn't feel bad because I deserve it. I started to believe maybe I did. He would switch from this sweet person to a freaking devil that didn't give a shit out me. I try to ignore his text and he still writes to me. Saying things like I can finally be the whore I always wanted to be, that I'm worthless and then he switches again to saying let's try couples therapy. Im thinking about moving away once the baby is born so that I can keep my distance from him, I need therapy because I endured so much from him, I never let anyone bring me down until I met him. I didn't deserve this, especially while pregnant.
Good on you for breaking away from that. No one should be treated that way. Good job not putting up with it any more. Just concentrate on those kids, girl. You got this. And there’s tons of support out there for you if you know where to look. You don’t have to do it alone.
It's good that you have a safety plan in place by moving away from your abusive ex. I'm sorry you are currently going through this! It's a tough situation to be in. I'm in a similar situation with my soon-to-be ex and we also have a child together. He was physically abusive towards me when he would drink, now he is verbally abusive(apart from financially...) without the alcohol and tends to gaslight/project unto me. I'm going to be cutting him off soon.
Just know there are plenty of fish in the sea and there'll be someone who treats you as his queen/equal instead of spewing lies about you [ex. Whore, slut, etc those are lies!]
I completely understand too, that part of you still loves him. I feel the same way about mine, he even mentioned couple's counselling, but it didn't work out when we tried. What happened was, it ended up being a 1v1 session with my ex and the counselor. My ex has a lot of issues from childhood[ex. Child abuse, Domestic Violence in his household, alcoholism, etc] and expressed it during the couple's counselling
Also, the DV hotline does NOT recommend couple's counselling with the abuser, because then they can use what you say there against you and gaslight you...
Speaking of the DV hotline...
I recommend asking the DV hotline to see if they can recommend you DV support groups in your area: https://www.thehotline.org/
You can either call, text, or IM them. They're open 24/7.
I'm in a DV support group, and they also offer 1v1 counselling for women(for free) who have experienced DV and prefer a 1v1 session vs a group session.
Anyways, I wish you and your children all the best! You got this!
