My Child Abuse Story
My parents are abusive to me... Usually verbally but sometimes physically... Never sexually.
Physical: happens in little clusters every 3 months or so; last time was 5/20/16
Emotional: much more often; not always super severe but still very hurtful, mean, self-esteem/confidence ruining, etc.
My siblings aren't abused at all except maybe a little bit verbally.
In August 2015, I started keeping a log about the physical abuse. Here's the first entry:
8-19-15
I was very tired, so I was being slow when I was filling bottles for our baby goats... My mom decided that I was trying to kill them, and she tipped my chair over and kicked me several times... Then she dumped a couple buckets of water on my head and sent me inside... She then sent my dad to stop me from getting to a phone because I had threatened to call 911... We were on the back deck, and I don't remember exactly what all happened, but I know they threatened to shoot my dog and to never let me see my ldr boyfriend again... They also covered my mouth if I tried to scream (even though they know I'm a mouth breather for the most part and I can hardly breathe when they do that)
Today's log entry:
6/9/16
I was helping with the evening milking for our goats and before we started, I was filling up bottles for the baby goats. My sister came out to set up for the milking and we started arguing. When my dad came out I was sitting, not working, so my dad told me to go feed the baby goats and that I wasn't allowed to come back into the front part of the shed until I was done. I went but before I had started, he came in screaming at me for having hit my sister when we were fighting. He slammed me with his full body into the side of the pen repeatedly and claimed that he was hurting me less than I had hurt my sister. I was crying and laid down in the baby goat pen to try to calm down. I was there for about an hour and a half. He kept working and I fell asleep for a little while. Before I fell asleep and after I woke up, he made fun of me and called me a crybaby and stuff and told me how my behavior (not hurting my sister but the behavior of just laying around and doing nothing and throwing a fit) would cause me to fail in life because no one would want to work with someone like me and that my behavior would get me killed one day. At one point I got so fed up that I couldn't hold it back anymore and I tried to hit him. It didn't work very well because he is way stronger than me and he told me that if I tried to hit him again he would kill me.
@EndlessHowl
(Part 2)
After about an hour of laying there, he came in and told me that if I didn't start feeding the baby goats, he would let my dog out of her crate. I didn't move but I just prayed as hard as I could that she would be okay and he let her loose. After another half hour of lying on the floor, I got up and started getting the pine shavings out of my hair. When he was out of the room, I slipped outside through the get to the goat pasture and was going to go look for my dog. I had to hide when my sister went inside for something and I ended up staying there for a half hour or so. My dad found me there and sent me inside. I went in and when I got to the back deck, I looked in my dog's open crate and she was laying in there. I thanked God so much for answering my prayers and hugged her before closing her crate.
@EndlessHowl
This breaks my heart. I hope you can find a safe place. Please know that it's not your fault.
@Cheshire94
I know it's not my fault... I think the cause of it on Thursday was stress... Our dairy goats are getting appraised tomorrow and it's very important and my parents are stressed about being ready on time
Today's log entry:
6/11/16
My dad woke me up to work but I was tired and fell back asleep a few times. He got mad and yelled at me to get out of bed or else he would dump water on my head. I got up and got dressed. I was a bit slow getting dressed because I had just woken up which annoyed him more. I went downstairs and sat next to him on the couch for a few minutes. I was about to get up when he got mad at me for taking so long to go outside. He told my how selfish I was being and how I was punishing the family and how this was why I fail at everything (which I don't- I have straight A's and I'm 2 years ahead in math and I'm in honors English. I am a good singer and actress, and a fairly good artist. The only thing I'm not so good at is sports, which wouldn't really be affected by this at all). He then took my phone away because I hadn't gone outside yet... Because I was waiting for him to finish talking. I went outside and started to help my sister. The air conditioning and the milking machine were loud and I couldn't concentrate so I turned the air conditioning off even though my sister said not to. She turned it back on. Then I had to rinse the inflations so I turned the milking machine off and rinsed them.
@EndlessHowl
part 2
She asked me, like she always does, why the machine was all of the way off, since it only needs to be part of the way off. I told her the reason, which was, as always, because I like to have it off because it is so loud. She got mad because I had been annoyed by her question and she turned the machine back on without asking if I was done rinsing. I was but she was mean to me so I said that I would put the inflations in the water which would mix the water with the milk. I obviously wouldn't but I knew my saying that would really annoy her. My dad then came out and quickly took her side. He came over to me and grabbed the lead role that was around my neck and yanked it really hard. When I tried to tell him my side, he interrupted and said the he had told me to cooperate with her, not the other way around. I sarcastically asked that if she had, say, punched me in the face, would I have had to just keep smiling and cooperating. He said that she would not do that, and that I'm the only one who would punch someone in the face, because I had on Thursday. I said that I had tried to, but hadn't even touched him, and that I only did it after he attacked me. He said that he hadn't attacked me, he had just bumped me to get my attention, even though he had slammed me into the side of the baby goat pen with his whole body. After that he said for me to just do whatever because I was just stealing time from the family.
Just realized I never posted these:
6/16 /16
I fell asleep on the way home and no one woke me up to work. My dad came over to the truck and woke me up. He didn't give me enough time to get fully awake and then got mad because I wasn't moving fast enough. He took my phone and told me how I hadn't done what I had said that I would. A few minutes later he came back outside with a bottle of water. He said that if I didn't go right then he would dump water on me. I didn't move so he dumped and little water on me and said it again. Again, I didn't move because I was frozen and too scared to move. He dumped way more water on me and then went inside. I waited for probably and hour or more but he didn't come back. Finally I went inside and went to sleep.
@EndlessHowl
6/17/16
I was supposed to help fill the bottles to feed the baby goats but I was really cold and tired so I laid down on the couch for just a minute. The next thing I knew, it was 15 minutes later. I got up and was going to work but I wasn't needed at that moment so I laid back down. After that I didn't want to get back up and I ended up laying there for a couple hours. My mom came and yelled at me that I was a "first class b****" and stuff. Then she left for a minute and came back with a lead role which we use to lead our goats. It was attached to a dog leash. She put the lead rope around my neck and started pulling me. When we were just about to go down the steps on the back deck, she finally gave up. She told me that I was no longer allowed in the house and that all I owned was the cloths I had on. She locked all of the doors so I couldn't get into the house and left me outside. I stayed out there for several hours, sleeping some. When it was probably around 10 or 11 I was cool and wanted a jacket so I tried all of the doors and even a window that I knew didn't have a screen but everything was locked. Finally I found that the truck was unlocked and there was a jacket in there so I put it on and slept in there with the seat leaned back.
@EndlessHowl
That's awful. What's going on with you now?? We're you able to find a safe place to be?
@Cheshire94 i get verbally abuse ever day i hate my life
@Cheshire94
the nearest Safe Place isn't in my town... It's in the next town... I don't think I can get there but hopefully there won't be anymore physical abuse for a while because it usually happens in clusters and I think this cluster is done
@EndlessHowl
Can you stay with extended family?
@Cheshire94 not really... My nearest relatives are 2 hours away
Yet another journal entry:
(Part One)
7/22/16
I was working in the shed and I was tired because it was like midnight and we still had to feed our baby goats. I said something to my dad while my brother was in the other room. My brother came in behind me and responded to what I said but I hadn't been talking to him. I was over tired so it irritated me. I went at him and accidentally hit him in the face. I had only been trying to push him into the wall. My dad came over and yelled at me and opened the door to the back part of the shed and practically threw me in. As I landed, I hit my knee and now I have a big bruise. He told me to feed the baby goats and then closed the door and went to take care of my brother. I went out into the goat pasture and hid in one of the shelters. After a while, he came out with a flashlight and found me. I stayed lying down and he dragged me out of the shelter. He forced me to stand up and walk toward the shed. As we were walking, I elbowed him in the stomach. He got mad and flipped me. He took me back into the shed and told me to feed the baby goats. I went into their pen and hid in their shelter.
(Part Two)
After a while, he came out with a flashlight and found me. I stayed lying down and he dragged me out of the shelter. He forced me to stand up and walk toward the shed. As we were walking, I elbowed him in the stomach. He got mad and flipped me. He took me back into the shed and told me to feed the baby goats. I went into their pen and hid in their shelter. He found me very quickly and let all of the baby goats come attack me (they don't try to be mean but they jump all over me and their hooves scratch really hard). Eventually he locked them back up where the couldn't get to me and then forced me to come to where they were and feed them. I refused to feed them so he did it, in the meanest way to me that he could. He set each one on my head and told me to hold it, which I refused to do so he yelled at me for being stupid and disobedient. He fed several of them this way before just telling me to stand there, which I did. Then he yelled at me for facing towards the side of the pen, instead of facing forward. He continued to tell me how stupid I was for behaving like this because I was only making things harder on myself. I sat down, even though that would only make it easier for the baby goats to hurt me. I pushed them off when they jumped on me, and my dad decided that I was being mean to them by nicely pushing them off and told me not to.
(Part Three)
I continued doing it. He slammed my head against the side of the pen and told me to stop (this happened several times). I kept doing it so that the baby goats wouldn't hurt me as much. Finally he gave up on telling me to stop, and just fed the baby goats for a while, occasionally telling me how stupid I am. I was tired because it was late so I layed down. I continued to push them of and he started yelling at me and telling me not to again but he didn't do anything physically so I continued. When he finished feeding, he went to wash the bottles and told me that I could go inside when I was ready to apologize to him and my brother for hitting them. I wasn't going to apologize to him. I would only spoiling use to my brother because that had been an accident. I snuck arround and went to my room. When he came in he said that I was only allowed to come in if I appologised. I refused so he decided that I had lost all privlages of doing anything that is even remotely entertaining, and I had lost privacy privlages, so I couldn't close my door. Luckily these didn't last and I got all of my stuff back the next day.
@EndlessHowl
Wow! You're really going through a lot. It sounds like a repetitive cycle.
I've been a similar situation and I'm not saying this to be a jerk I promise. But what's worse? Doing what you're told and not having this happen or doing what you're doing and poking the bear so to speak. I'm not at all saying his behavior is your fault, it's not he's an adult and should know better. But survival is key and even if you have to fake it and walk on eggshells (been there done that) it's better than what's going on now isn't it? And I know your good behavior doesn't ensure his. I do understand that, trust me. It breaks my heart when people go through these similarly situations as yours and mine.
I hope with schools starting soon you can get the help you and your family need. Please take care!
P.S. I want to add that, now that I'm a parent I see and understand things I didn't back then. Again not justifying abusing your child, but raising kids is really hard, you don't get a manual handed to you when you take your baby home from the hospital. I want you to know that despite all this, he loves you deep down somewhere. You love your child more than anything in this world (maybe less so for men as they didn't carry babies in the womb?).
@Cheshire94
i know I should do what I'm told instead of "poking the bear" but if I did everything they told me to, they would work me into the ground. I'm also hoping that by doing this, I have let him get a lot of it out of him so that it will be longer before the next time. I know he loves me but he can't possibly love me near as much as he should, because if he did, he wouldn't be able to hurt me so much. If he loved me more, hurting me would hurt him at least as much if not more than it hurts me.
Also, I don't want to be submissive and walk on egg shells, because by doing that I will likely only decrease my self confidence and give him more power over me
Have you tried talking to him one on one? I know that's probably the last thing you want to do but maybe go out for coffee in a public space where things can't get too out of hand?
I understand that you don't want to be submissive, it's not fun, I know. I just think your physical safety is more important.
Doing chores is what is expected (within reason). It's you doing your part to help the family. Imagine if all the work was left to one person (working a job, paying bills, cooking, cleaning, & chores) what would happen? The family wouldn't be provided for and relationships would fall apart. Doing chores with the family isn't something you need to get physical with your family over that goes for you and your dad. You're the kid, you should help out (again within reason). Your parents have had to pay for almost everything for you since the moment you were born (roughly $20-50k per kid). So you doing some work for the family is only right. I didn't have a lot of things most kids today think they are entitled to. I didn't get to go to school most of the time (it's a privilege, you can't go anywhere in life if you don't have an education. I had to teach myself), I didn't have friends most of the time, a phone, computer, Internet, tablet, TV, or even a door to my room! I'm not here to tell you my story, I'm trying to give you some perspective.
I know you have emotional needs that aren't being met and I think that's a big part of the problem.
I say this all to you
As someone who went through hell. I'm not saying this as an old person I'm 21 and also a parent to two girls.
@Cheshire94
I can't really go talk to him somewhere in public because he will get mad that I'm talking about family issues while there are people around. He gets mad if i even have a small squabble with my siblings I front of the people who work at our farm. I will only get in more trouble for talking about it in public.
I think that while my physical safety is very important, my emotional safety is more important. By being submissive, I would only damage myself emotionally. My dad hasn't ever caused me any more physical damage than some bruises. Most of the damage my parents have caused me is emotional so I don't want to add to it any more than I have to. I am pretty sure that I have depression from their abuse already and I don't want it to get worse than it already is. I have tried to tell my mom once but she didn't care and has not even mentioned it since.
I know I need to do chores, and I do. The problem is that we have a small dairy goat farm which requires a lot of work to take care of. I already way more chores than many kids my age, and if I agreed to do everything my parents told me to, I would have almost no free time at all. Starting a month ago or so, I wasn't even given a day off from helping with the evening milking. Starting like a week ago, my brother is doing it on Sundays, but until this happened, I had to refuse to work in order to get a day off. This got me punished but it was the only way for me to get a day off.
I want to help you but I honestly don't know how else I can, except to say that maybe once school starts you should speak to a guidance counselor or adult if you feel you are depressed and abused.
Most kids your age don't have responsibilities or consequences and get everything handed to them. Which is why they turn out to be shitty little ungrateful, lazy, think the world owes them something bastards. I don't think you're one of them because your parents make you work and that builds character. Maybe not now but it will. I know your parents are hard asses but know that if they really didn't care about you they wouldn't make you help, care where you are, how you act etc, I know it sounds twisted, believe me I do. But I know this from personal experience.
A relative on my husband's side has a kid, they had the kid at 17 & 18 just to get her away from her parents (who were not violent but really naggy) and while they may love their kid they don't care about him enough to not allow him to be a spoiled, mean and violent kid. Understand that it isn't the kid's fault, he's never been taught, it's the parents who don't care enough to do the hard thing and displine their child. Instead they reward bad behavior which breeds more bad behavior. Meanwhile my kids are *generally* well behaved because I have displined them even though it's not fun. People love being around them and are willing to babysit vs the other persons kid who nobody wants to watch.
@EndlessHowl
I hope some part of that will help you in some way. Have you tried contacting a listener?
@Cheshire94 just your being here for me and letting me know that I'm not alone is a lot of help :)
i know I should talk to someone but I can't even work up the nerve to tell my best friend, so I don't know how I will work up the nerve to tell an adult.
i know that they have to dicipline me but what they do goes far beyond that and while it has built my character some, it is also slowly destroying me inside
@Cheshire94
i have talked to a couple listeners and they have been pretty helpful :)
@EndlessHowl
Glad to hear it :)
