My Abuse Story

TRIGGER WARNING

Family issues, alcoholism, bullying

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I just need to share my story. Sorry for any inconvenience.

I grew up in a house that puts "Hoarders" to shame with a monster for a father and a quitter for a mother. I would say it was a fairly clean household until my mom started working. She stayed home with me until I was 2 and apparently my dad was always upset with her over the house not being perfect. His words were "If I was home full-time I'd treat it like a full time job". After mom started working again, the house was a little messier but not too bad. It was mostly boxes of things my mom didn't want to throw away. My dad apparently used to brag to my mom about how he manipulated people for personal gain.

The factory my dad worked at closed down after I was in school for a while and he started staying at home. He never did any cleaning at all. Garbage piled up. He was the "fun parent" for a long time. My mom started drinking a bit, but I didn't really notice at the time. My dad always drank, but didn't get "drunk".

I remember my dad had a new job. He was always nice to me (but I now know he was manipulating me). My mom was drinking a lot more and would get into arguments with my dad all the time. I'd always have to clean up things my mom threw and console both parents. Sometimes she would call me over to talk late at night. I now know that it was because my dad was trying to force her to have sex. He wouldn't do that if I was in the room obviously so my mom would call me at least once a night.

I knew my parents should be separated by the age of 9. I always saw my mom as the bad person because she would be drunk and angry all the time. I think my dad manipulated me against her, but she was still pretty verbally abusive. A couple times she would try to physically hurt me but my dad threatened her after she tried. He was always such a "hero". He'd always say "if she left, the house would be clean and everything would be better.

My parents split and my dad started seeing other women. The house was a pile of trash with a pathway through it. My dad always left chicken bones and orange peels and vodka bottles on counters. I never had room to do homework so my grades were dwindling. He would stack up garbage until it falls on the floor where it stayed forever. I never had any friends over, and neither did dad. He fucked every woman he worked with, even the married ones, at the hotel.

My mom wasn't a whole lot better. She drank herself half to death and started smoking all day. She would get mad over nothing and everything. Eventually she moved in with her new abusive boyfriend far away. I didn't really see her much at all for years. Her boyfriend was in and out of jail and had schizophrenia.

When I was part way through high school he started treating me differently. All of a sudden my opinion meant NOTHING. "You don't pay bills so you don't have any real worth" and "until you are an adult, you aren't even a real person" were everyday terms. He always expected me to keep the house clean because he works and I don't. He'd say that when I leave the house will be better because I'm the whole problem. See any similarities yet?

My grandma took me to Ecuador for a month after graduating. 5 days after coming home (and I really mean 5 days, it's in my diary) my dad started bitching that I wasn't working yet. I put out resumes every day after that. After a lot of bullying and no small amount of tears, I finally found a job a month or so later. My dad charged me $500/mo for my room and meals. He only provided meals maybe once or twice. I started eating out of the garbage and living off free doughnuts at work because I didn't have anything else.

My boyfriend and I moved out together. I was having stress-related medical issues so I had to quit my job a short while after. Then the depression hit HARD. I started seeing doctors for it and had all sorts of problems for a long time. We had little money so I never could get treated properly.

It's now been 3 years since I moved out. I have been out of work for 2 years and am now finally well enough to work again. It's a bit hard to do much as my glasses are 4 years off prescription and steadily getting worse. I avoid seeing my dad whenever possible but I can't avoid it. He offers free food and we are barely scraping by, I have to accept it. He still says I'm worthless because I don't have a job. Even if he didn't, I still hear it in my mind every day anyways. I am struggling to keep my house clean, I am struggling to feel like I'm worth anything, and I am struggling to find peace. I am much more mature than most 20 year olds. It's probably because I had to be a parent for my parents for so long. I regret not being able to have a childhood.

My mom and I can talk more now. She lived with her parents for about a year and got a better boyfriend. I'm not really sure she's healthy there, but it's better. She went to rehab twice and is still struggling with alcohol. She makes bad choices and doesn't know how to be an adult. She is the reason I will never drink or do drugs.

I have no friends because I never had the freedom to make many growing up. I don't know how to talk to people because I was taught to be quiet. I have bad habits from my parents. I don't know how to be around large groups of people because I was always isolated. I don't know how to feel good about myself because I was always criticized. These are my scars. I hope they fade in time, although "hoping" is hard for me.