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MoonOrchid
911 M Little Steps 1
PathStep 106 Compassion hearts55 Forum posts68 Forum upvotes74 Current upvotes74 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 2019 Member sinceOctober 25, 2015
Bio

I'm just another person out there struggling against mental illness. I have AAD and Depression with self-harming tendencies. It feels like I'm fighting a losing battle but I hope I can overcome this obstacle. I have finally gotten the better of my agoraphobia and I am able to go outdoors on my own sometimes.
Being a stay-at-home partner I have a hard time getting out but I still try to spend time doing the things I enjoy. I love creating art. organizing things, taking care of my animals, reading, playing video games, and taking care of others. I come from a long line of bakers so that has always been a passion of mine as well.
If I can finally scrape up enough money, I plan to go to schooling to become a care aide. I want to work in a senior's home because they need someone kind to take care of them.

Recent forum posts
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Have you taken Anti-depressants? What have you experienced? [Do Not Share Medication Name or Dosage]
Depression Support / by MoonOrchid
Last post
 October 6th, 2018
...See more I've only tried [meds name removed by FM @RaCat] and got hallucinations from a single low dose that lasted for a few days (my family always seems to get the weird side-effects). I'm going to try again soon with another type, but I'm honestly pretty scared. What are your experiences? I want to hear all about it; the good, the bad, and anything you'd like to share! [MonBon edited title and post for clarification on guideline #6]
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My engagement is the best/worst thing ever!!
Anxiety Support / by MoonOrchid
Last post
 March 13th, 2018
...See more To put it briefly, my boyfriend of 7 years proposed to me in late January. I am so happy about it, but I still haven't told a large amount of my family. I just don't know how to tell them. I don't even know how to bring it up in a conversation! I already told my mom and grandma (as they're my cosest family members), but I'm too scared to tell anyone else! I love him dearly, but I can't help but worry about how my family will react. My dad sort of accepts him, but I know he "thinks I can do better" and whatnot. I feel like it would just be another thing for him to complain about. I don't know. I'm also stressed about how I'd answer the questions. The first thing people would ask is "where's the ring?" (it's being re-sized) and "when's the wedding?" (we still have no idea). I don't know how I'd cope in front of a large group of people during a wedding. Even a small group of people, heck I get nervous around one person if I'm the center of attention. There's also the fact that I've waited this long to tell people. I could pretend that we only just got engaged, but I hate lying to people. I really love him and I'm not ashamed of it or anything, I just really don't want people to make a fuss. It's killing me!
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Finding my cleaning motivation
Depression Support / by MoonOrchid
Last post
 February 8th, 2018
...See more I had a lapse in cleaning the house for a week and I just can't work up the motivation to do it. I have been sitting here watching motivational videos and listening to high energy music, but it still overwhelms me every time I start. In the past I've been able to handle it by breaking the work into little jobs (dust all doorways, wipe all mirrors and windows, clean all sinks, etc.) and I avoid working on "one room at a time" because that always gets me stuck in one room for hours. These things help with regular cleaning, but I don't know how to handle a mess once it happens. Anyone else with me?
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Social anxiety with significant other's friends.
Anxiety Support / by MoonOrchid
Last post
 October 17th, 2017
...See more I currently live in the same building as my SO's friends. This move was not ideal and we've been having tons of problems. I worry that they think I'm just a complainer. I don't know them very well and I don't think they like me. I swear I didn't do anything to piss anyone off, but I'm worried that maybe I did. I can hear them when they are hanging out upstairs and I get a pit in my stomach. I worry that SO is having more fun wih them than with me. I worry that they are talking about me. I'm worried that SO is living some kind of second life or something. I think I'm just jealous or something. I can't go up with him because their dog doesn't like me and I get too nervous. One of his friends is rather rude with me the few times we've talked but I keep thinking that maybe it's my fault or that maybe he's not trying to be rude and I'm misreading the situation. I have no idea why he doesn't like me. It's not even like I'm "taking away the drinking buddy" because I was living with him longer than he knew them. I'm too scared to talk to anyone and I'm terrified that I already ruined everything. I have no idea how to approach anyone about it because I'm so sared that they all hate me. Considering getting SO to coverly ask if they like me or not without sounding weird about it. Does anyone else have anxiety problems with their partner' friends?
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My Abuse Story
Trauma Support / by MoonOrchid
Last post
 November 3rd, 2017
...See more TRIGGER WARNING Family issues, alcoholism, bullying ******************** I just need to share my story. Sorry for any inconvenience. I grew up in a house that puts "Hoarders" to shame with a monster for a father and a quitter for a mother. I would say it was a fairly clean household until my mom started working. She stayed home with me until I was 2 and apparently my dad was always upset with her over the house not being perfect. His words were "If I was home full-time I'd treat it like a full time job". After mom started working again, the house was a little messier but not too bad. It was mostly boxes of things my mom didn't want to throw away. My dad apparently used to brag to my mom about how he manipulated people for personal gain. The factory my dad worked at closed down after I was in school for a while and he started staying at home. He never did any cleaning at all. Garbage piled up. He was the "fun parent" for a long time. My mom started drinking a bit, but I didn't really notice at the time. My dad always drank, but didn't get "drunk". I remember my dad had a new job. He was always nice to me (but I now know he was manipulating me). My mom was drinking a lot more and would get into arguments with my dad all the time. I'd always have to clean up things my mom threw and console both parents. Sometimes she would call me over to talk late at night. I now know that it was because my dad was trying to force her to have sex. He wouldn't do that if I was in the room obviously so my mom would call me at least once a night. I knew my parents should be separated by the age of 9. I always saw my mom as the bad person because she would be drunk and angry all the time. I think my dad manipulated me against her, but she was still pretty verbally abusive. A couple times she would try to physically hurt me but my dad threatened her after she tried. He was always such a "hero". He'd always say "if she left, the house would be clean and everything would be better. My parents split and my dad started seeing other women. The house was a pile of trash with a pathway through it. My dad always left chicken bones and orange peels and vodka bottles on counters. I never had room to do homework so my grades were dwindling. He would stack up garbage until it falls on the floor where it stayed forever. I never had any friends over, and neither did dad. He fucked every woman he worked with, even the married ones, at the hotel. My mom wasn't a whole lot better. She drank herself half to death and started smoking all day. She would get mad over nothing and everything. Eventually she moved in with her new abusive boyfriend far away. I didn't really see her much at all for years. Her boyfriend was in and out of jail and had schizophrenia. When I was part way through high school he started treating me differently. All of a sudden my opinion meant NOTHING. "You don't pay bills so you don't have any real worth" and "until you are an adult, you aren't even a real person" were everyday terms. He always expected me to keep the house clean because he works and I don't. He'd say that when I leave the house will be better because I'm the whole problem. See any similarities yet? My grandma took me to Ecuador for a month after graduating. 5 days after coming home (and I really mean 5 days, it's in my diary) my dad started bitching that I wasn't working yet. I put out resumes every day after that. After a lot of bullying and no small amount of tears, I finally found a job a month or so later. My dad charged me $500/mo for my room and meals. He only provided meals maybe once or twice. I started eating out of the garbage and living off free doughnuts at work because I didn't have anything else. My boyfriend and I moved out together. I was having stress-related medical issues so I had to quit my job a short while after. Then the depression hit HARD. I started seeing doctors for it and had all sorts of problems for a long time. We had little money so I never could get treated properly. It's now been 3 years since I moved out. I have been out of work for 2 years and am now finally well enough to work again. It's a bit hard to do much as my glasses are 4 years off prescription and steadily getting worse. I avoid seeing my dad whenever possible but I can't avoid it. He offers free food and we are barely scraping by, I have to accept it. He still says I'm worthless because I don't have a job. Even if he didn't, I still hear it in my mind every day anyways. I am struggling to keep my house clean, I am struggling to feel like I'm worth anything, and I am struggling to find peace. I am much more mature than most 20 year olds. It's probably because I had to be a parent for my parents for so long. I regret not being able to have a childhood. My mom and I can talk more now. She lived with her parents for about a year and got a better boyfriend. I'm not really sure she's healthy there, but it's better. She went to rehab twice and is still struggling with alcohol. She makes bad choices and doesn't know how to be an adult. She is the reason I will never drink or do drugs. I have no friends because I never had the freedom to make many growing up. I don't know how to talk to people because I was taught to be quiet. I have bad habits from my parents. I don't know how to be around large groups of people because I was always isolated. I don't know how to feel good about myself because I was always criticized. These are my scars. I hope they fade in time, although "hoping" is hard for me.
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