Is it abuse and manipulation, my fault, or something else? (TW?)
Hello 7Cups and all its people. I'm making a forum post to help me answer questions if people are willing to answer them. I hope this forum post doesn't offend anyone or hurt anyone in anyway! I'm only a teenager... so I don't fully understand concepts of everything with mental health, that includes abuse. It may be something else that I'm struggling with, but I have a suspicion it may something related or it IS abuse. If you can, please help me answer my questions, it'd be helpful to see if other people, survivors, and professionals can assist me with the topic. With that said, I hope you have a great day, whoever you are... and remember you're very special. 💖
Now, I keep thinking of these questions throughout my days, and it keeps making me wonder. You see, I don't have the bestest relationship with my mother. I used to love her a lot more when I was younger, but as time went on and things happened, I love her less now. It's a bittersweet kind of relationship that I don't like. My family's struggles are pretty complex and complicated, which in turn, makes me feel lonely, confused (with myself and the others), and have some resentment and bitterness. I used to have a bigger family when I was younger, I was happier back then, because maybe I had more people to love. Watching Spongebob or the Amazing World of Gumball every morning with my grandma... seeing my aunt, my uncle, and of course, the 4 dogs at that house. They'd come to celebrate the birthday and bring me joy, before we split from them. I also remember every morning as well... I'd eat delicious and scrumptious pancakes cooked from my grandma, resulting that I felt a longing for pancakes and a missing for them. I know that my mother also struggles with her own mental health. She may be struggling with Depression and possibly other mental disorders. She may be Bipolar, according to my dad, as she seems to switch her emotions from happy to sad pretty quickly. In my knowledge as I've learnt, there's different types of Bipolar Disorder, but I don't know which type she has. She's stubborn to get help for her mental health and try to grow from the past. She didn't have the bestest past either, but there's many gaps, holes, and missing pieces in the puzzle... so much... that I can't figure out what EXACTLY happened in the past. I probably will never find out unless there's an actual successful time machine. She had a sister (my aunt), a brother (my uncle I think), a mother (my grandma), and a dad (my SUPPOSED grandfather.) She told me quite some things from her past and I was a younger age too. I believe in the single digit numbers, not even 10 years or anything. Maybe 7, 8, 9? Something along those lines. Either way, she told me some things... and I was rather confused and I didn't exactly know how to feel. Due to not knowing how to feel... mainly trusting and loving my mom more at the time... I believed on what she was saying, but didn't know how to comment on it. Maybe I had my own thoughts, but I brushed them off for the sake of my own mother. But due to exposure with the ears and seeing her tears... in the long run, it did affect me, now that I'm older. I didn't understand a lot about mental health back then, abuse, and all of that. I still am learning today. Either way, using this information that my mother told me AND her severe trust issues that she has... (still HAS, key word.) she tried to split them from me and slowly make me lost trust of them. And she did. She made me (and my brother) resent THEM and not trust them. She wanted to keep ME all for herself, she wanted me to take her side of the family. Even though in families, there's supposed to be no sides, right? Families should support each other... like we're a familiar team. However, it wasn't the case for my family. Back then, my dad and brother also believed that was no sides. However, my mother and I joked about it... and laughed about them. My mom also told me things about my father... and how he's actually bad and more demonic than I think he is. Talking bad about her or cheating, for instance. My mom also doesn't FULLY trust my brother... because she believes that he's talking bad about her to my father. She doesn't trust her own son? Now that's bad. As she fed this information into my naive and gullible brain, it slowly was affecting me and putting toxins inside. Like I said earlier, I'd start to resent my other parts of the family, my dad's family (his mom and dad I think), and I wouldn't have my cousins anymore. I don't remember my cousins at all, only really visiting them once, then never seeing them again. This would be the same for my grandma and the others. However, longer. I'd see them for a while and then... poof. Gone. Gone from my life. No more pancakes, no more Spongebob, no more TAWOG, none of that. No more extra birthday gifts and love. I don't even see my dad's mom or my dad's... DAD... that much anymore. It's just the six of us now. Me, my mom, my dad, and my brother + my dog and my cat. Now that I'm older... I believe she managed to manipulate me and MY BROTHER to some extent, to make us resent them and fully leave them, as if THEY'RE the ones causing pain. Now granted, in my mom's past, it's true that I don't have a grandfather. Her dad used to do horrible things, sexual assault(?), to her and her sister... while her mom wouldn't do anything about it. Her dad eventually killed himself one day, I forgot how, but he did. My mom didn't really have any friendships and struggled to connect with others, she might've felt lonely, resentment, bitterness, like how I do. It makes me feel guilty to some extent... to feel resentment and bitterness towards HER... when my mom also suffered pain that could similar feelings to mine, maybe even more drastic, as things were different back then when she was a child. She didn't even have to go to school that much... as my grandma, her own mom, didn't care. However, like how my dad said one day, you either learn from the abuse or repeat it. My mom hated my grandma, but she's trying to manipulate and sometimes is a toxic parent. She's becoming her own mom. I understand that everyone has different paces to healing from trauma and abuse, but she doesn't take steps too much. She doesn't believe she needs help, she's "fine." However, she has unresolved trauma I believe, and that needs help to care for. You might say I should talk to her about getting help, but she can get a pretty big temper and she can be stubborn. She even lost one of her jobs, according to my father. Her own job noticed that she wasn't in the best mental state... and they were going to fire her if she didn't get proper help. I think she only went into ONE appointment, but never again after that. Then she was fired. After reaching to the age I am now... and seeing ANOTHER tensioning act between my two parents (My dad says they haven't talked to each other in 2 weeks + it's only continuing. In fact, my brother and father PURPOSEFULLY avoid my mom as much as they can to keep the peace, as they live upstairs.), I decided to speak up about my feelings once and for all. I got insight from another "side," my dad and brother. I also spoke about this to my mom, however, I know this only caused her to resent me. She claims that I'm not her "loyal ally," anymore, and that my DAD said something like... "Ha, guess you're not her loyal ally anymore." Unfortunately, I can't tell if this is manipulation to make me feel bad or it's true and I didn't hear my father. I must admit, unless I'm submitting to a few bits of this slow, painful, and exhausting manipulation, that I am guilty of possibly relying and going on my father's side MORE nowadays. In my 2 notes that I wrote for both parents, I wanted to be in a more neutral state. As I couldn't rely on either both of them as I don't know ALL information and what ONE side tells me contradicts to the OTHER. For example, my dad claims he never did anything very horrible and my mom did bad things. However, my mom says she may have messed up... but she's seen that my dad's a jerk. I also admit that I'm more defensive for my dad when my mom "TRIES" or says something that seems judgeful to me. I am also aware that my resentment and bitterness, can get in the way of my logical decisions. For example, just TODAY, my jewelry box had a few things switched in it. I told this to my mom and she claimed she didn't do it. She didn't SAY that my father or brother did it... but in my aggressive mind... it felt like she was trying to IMPLY that they did something. My cat couldn't get in as well... as it's not like an open box. My cat has an obsession with hair ties (strange, huh?), but not really earrings. I am still confused with it and I don't know WHO exactly did it... I can't run a DNA test for it, now can I? Perhaps, the reasons on why I'm more defensive with my dad is that I've seen examples of him feeling bad and wanting me and my brother to have more. I remember seeing him cry one day, as he was upset that his two kids couldn't have all the happiness, a lovely home, and family love that they should've gotten. It makes me feel a lot... to see my father cry about that. I even called my current home a "dump," when I was still around my mom's side. My mom also called the home a "dump," when I look back into it, I think it's not very nice. However, my dad chose the home I have now, for whenever my mom fully leaves. I know she'll leave one day for an apartment, she told me and I told my dad and brother this with one of my notes. It was a smart decision of his, and I glad he made it, even if I am a bit unhappy with my home. I still have a home which is awesome, not the perfect home or a home that fully feels "homey," but... it's a home. Plus, my dad and brother are trying to be positive people. When I'm not already in a bad mood, my eyes light up as a smile forms on my face. I feel really energetic and crack out jokes as I see them. As I know they're funny and jokesters as well. My mom and I kinda still joke with each other, but it's not the same as it was back then. My mom gave me ALL the affection and love, calling me the "favorite child," as I was following her footsteps and being dragged. As years went on, however, she still does use the term "I love you," in a few situations, but not all the time. I don't either, since I do feel resentment and bitterness. It's a bittersweet relationship with me and my mom. For my dad and mom, sadly, it's all BITTER. As I write this whole thing, I also remember the December incident when it was birthday. You see, a long time ago, my mom used to have a job she HATED and stressed her out A WHOLE LOT. So much so, that she started to drink a lot and become drunk. She'd pass a lot, throw up, become confused and pretty angry... those lines. She was drunk at my birthday and my dad and brother noticed this. They didn't like it and went upstairs. I also went upstairs, I was opening up a new gift which was a new laptop. I don't remember the whole incident, but I do know it HAPPENED. However, she came upstairs, and started yelling and fighting. A fight happened... and my mom got aggressive, getting ready to hit and attack. She also demanded me coming with her and leaving. I was confused and didn't know how to feel. I think I was crying a little bit... due to possibly feeling scared with all the confusion I had. My mom eventually stormed out and left, leaving me, my brother, and my father to all deal with the aftermath of negative emotions. Also, with her drunk self, even before the fight... she talked suciudally, a little crazily. I believe she also mentioned this when I was even younger. She said that if she ever went away... she would want me and my brother to be strong. I didn't want to be away and I was confused. Throughout my younger self, I didn't have a somewhat developed mind with my own thoughts, wants, needs, feelings, traits, all of that. I didn't and struggled to understand. I was exposed to some suicidal stuff at a young age... it may have not FULLY affected me back then... but it affects me now as I realize how serious the situation was. I was exposed and now that I learned more... it makes me feel a lot. She may be still a bit suciudal today, wanting to end herself, but she carries on each day... maybe for the sake of us in someway. She doesn't fully love us which sucks, but she does support in some ways. She's not a FULLY toxic parent, but... she can be and she has her ways of trying to gain back control. As much as I want EVERYONE to move on and accept the past has happened... it's WAY harder than it is in my own fairytale head. My mom claims that speaking out about my emotions and trying to be assertive back only is corrupting and hurting the peace. I'm not trying hard enough and I'm only damaging the process. I still feel guilt and shame for talking about things like this... even if people tell me that I should NEVER doubt my feelings. I have my own issues and I can say that I haven't been fully taught on how to cope with them... but I'm trying to learn them on my own. I have to learn some things that I'm afraid of or struggling with on my own, and sometimes I don't feel like trying. Even though you have to TRY to learn. So... it can be frustrating with me. I don't understand or... I don't feel handling the situation properly? It sounds kinda weird to say the second thing... because I DO feel like trying to handle it. Maybe it IS just that I don't have enough knowledge and really... in my young teenager age... I can't really do much. I already spoke out about my emotions and had some realization (whether it's accurate or not) that my mom can be toxic, her past is toxic, and the family... can sometimes be toxic. It hurts to think about, but I'll try to be strong.
This is probably a WHOLE essay, but I do have a lot of questions. In the short term, even if you skimmed through all this, is this abuse and manipulation? My fault for not fully understanding and cooperating? Or is it a different issue and topic that I'm not aware of? Please answer me questions, it'd be really helpful to know. Thank you A WHOLE LOT if you read all this, skimmed it, whatever! It just helps being heard, you know? Throughout all the fourms I sent, it helps to even have a little bit of people hearing me. You are a very blessed individual, may you have blessings throughout this present and the FUTURE.
@Megalomentaurus Hey :) Wow. I'm sorry you're dealing with all this. It sounds like mental and emotional abuse to me and yes - manipulation. With her telling you that talking about your emotions is upsetting the peace and damaging the process - what process? No wonder you feel shame and guilt for talking about things. And it's no wonder you struggle to cope with things
@mytwistedsoul
Yes, it makes sense. Worry not. Reading your message, I can't help, but feel a few negative emotions about how I was... kinda right. I listened to a few things about emotional abuse and manipulation, and I felt how my situation is pretty similar. Just yesterday night, she literally stormed in my room and started angrily telling me that I'M THE EVIL PERSON. My brother and father are lying to me and she isn't sure what they told me. We had a minor argument, but with no yelling or anything, still... it felt like an argument and unless I'm really sensitive... the words she told me, she can't take back. My relationship with her is really plummeting, sometimes it feels like she has someway of trying to "spy" on us. In fact, I sometimes wonder if the things she's claiming that my DAD does... SHE actually does. She uses her own ways of trying to gain information and manipulation, but uses the blame on someone else. I keep feeling like I sound like my own mom now typing this out. She keeps saying to me that I should put myself in her own shoes and stop talking BAD about her. However, I feel like I'm trying to INFORM them. Inform my dad and brother about things... not "talking bad." I should have the right to talk about a person when they're giving me hurt. I may not handle the situation the PERFECT way... but sometimes I don't tell her the things that my father and brother tell ME, because I'm worried how she'll say about it. She might say the same things and deny the fact. Even then... with this whole confusing debate, she struggles more with mental health than my dad does. My dad struggles with some physical health with his MS, it's not that bad sometimes, but other times... it really hits him. However, my dad says that he had (I forgot if he still has) a therapist with him that he'd talk on the phone. He literally got a therapist unlike my mother. My mom did a few things to help treat my dad's MS, so that still makes me feel guilt. I remember good memories, guilt. I remember that she has loved me in "someway" a long time ago, guilt. I remember she managed to find some treatment for my dad's MS, guilt. Overall, I'll just feel a lot of guilt and it's hard to NOT feel it. However, I guess I'll mainly stay with my dad and brother, even if it REALLY contradicts with my mom's wishes. In fact, my dad says whenever my mom leaves, he'll take me to see my grandma, aunt, and uncle again. I feel like I feel a sense of longing for that day. I miss them... I miss going over there. Eating pancakes and watching TV, laughing and giggling. My grandma used to help when things didn't work out before. She'd take me in to care for me while my main family was busy. I remember one moment with the manipulation seeds I had in my mind, however, that when I was going to sleep. I was thinking that my grandma was going to do something bad to me. Like hurt me or kill me in my sleep. She didn't. She let me sleep in blankets and get some rest, if she did, then I wouldn't be here today or hurt from her today. When my mom didn't want me to talk about her anymore... I literally said "I can't promise that." and then she exclaimed "UH- YOU CAN PROMISE THAT." but in my mind... I know I can't. I'm not suppressing my emotions for one person's sake... even with all the guilt I feel. She'll leave me and I do hate her for all the things she's done... but I'll miss her and it'll hurt to say goodbye. I think that's probably the pain of toxic relationships. I've been fed all this love when I was child... but after seeing toxic ways... my mom suddenly doesn't want to do anything with me anymore. Will she just kill herself when she's at the apartment? I don't want my own mother to die... even with all the hatred I feel inside. It's like the same situation with my mother's dad. He killed himself, so will she kill herself? I really hope not.
@Megalomentaurus You are absolutely right. You should be able to bring up things that are hurting you - with and about either parent. She needs to practice what she's telling you about putting yourself in her shoes. How would she feel if you told her she's an evil person? It would hurt her - just as those words hurt you. You're right those are words she can't take back. Those are words that weigh on your mind and make you question yourself. Because now when you mention something to your dad or your brother - chances are those words will pop into your mind - as it did writing these things here
I know this truth. You could get help, advice, and redirects from ALL the people in the world, but you also need another person. Yourself. If you don't do anything, despite the things that other people are telling you, you won't heal and become better from your experiences. I know this as well. I have things that I need to work on, but I can be particularly stubborn, dislike them, and whatnot. I am a person with faults, a teenager who struggles with their emotions and Social Anxiety. I also consider myself a HSP (or Highly Sensitive Person) as well. I know that if I directly told her "I hate you." or "You're not a good mom to me anymore." I can't take those words back either, and I bet she wouldn't handle them well. I remember a long time ago... my mom didn't want my relationship with her to crash and burn in fire like how she did with her own mom. As I think about this, guilt comes upon my mind once again. It really sucks. That wish didn't age well... as I realized that the relationship she MAY have had with me was more toxic and manipulative than I thought of when younger. Young me, of course, didn't know that my relationship with my mom would end like this. But now it happened. I got my voice out, resentment and bitterness happened, and I can't turn back in time. Do I regret speaking out? Well... a little yes. However, for the most part, no. I learned more things about manipulation, mental health, and I have became a bit more mature in topics like this. Kinda. Not fully. I still get very upset and I have sorrowful emotions with some of my big fears and topics. I also have a big HSP heart which can weight a lot of sensitivity and pain I feel from negative things.