Some Thoughts ***Trigger Warning***

***Trigger warning***

Reference to traffic accident and death

Sometimes we get bad jobs.

The weird ones, those ones which get mentioned in training but you can't train for them, not really. Nothing can really prepare you for a situation that hits too close to home. You don't see it coming, you can't see it coming, sometimes you don't even recognise it for what it is until after it has been and gone. But these types of jobs can add up, it's these traumatic experiences which we suppress and bury which can lead to PTSD down the line.ÃÂ

Recently I have been to one of those jobs, a friend was involved in a fatal traffic accident, my friend only suffered some broken bones, but, the other vehicle was worse off. I didn't get to help my friend because as a responder on shift I had to prioritise the most severely injured patient and follow the directions of the manager on the scene.

Then on my next shift, I went to someone who was my age in a medical cardiac arrest. It is strange to think that he was in the same point of life as me, but in a situation which usually feels so distant. I can't help but think of how different his life must have been to mine, and how if he survives his quality of life will be so drastically different.

The feelings conjured by these jobs are complex, to say the least... guilt that it wasn't me in that position, guilt that I had to leave my friend in pain, sadness about what has been lost, forced recognition of privilege, relief for not messing up, fear that I could have done something more, anxiety about what might come next...

In hindsight I can see that my behaviour was affected by these jobs, I distanced myself from people who were close to me, I ended a relationship, I buried myself in studying so next time I was faced with something challenging I could be more prepared. I started running... a lot... These are not necessarily bad outcomes, but they are noticeable changes to my life as a result of "traumatic" events I have attended at work.

I am lucky to be in a position where my employer offers counseling and PTSD prevention programs, I know this is not standard and that many of us will not have access to these types of resources. These jobs have given me a new insight into how people in our professions may be affected by what we see, and how little we can recognise how they can change how we interact with our worlds.

I am not active on 7cups, and have not been for a while, but I pass by every so often. I am glad that this forum space is here for those of us who feel we might need it. If anyone has any thoughts or experiences they want to share I look forward to reading them, whenever that might be.

@adventurousBranch3786 @EMSFireChic1985 @ilikecake22 @MistyMagic @PoliteOcean @RicochetJaguar @AstronomySkies @Mherapai1967