"Moving on"? Warning: Graphic Description
For the past three months, I've been feeling really numb after an extremely horrible and graphic trauma code. I've been having flashbacks almost everyday and nightmares every single night. Since I left the scene that day, its been stuck with me. "We could always leave the scene but the scene never leaves us" is what we always say and there doesn't exist a more accurate description. Once I was back from this call, covered in blood and ashes, I didn't want to talk about, look at myself nor acknowledge the fact that it happened. I didn't want to believe what I saw, I didn't want to remember what I heard, the screams, the sirens, the blood, limbs and organs which are far away from the body...this seemed impossible to me, impossible to forget, impossible to overcome, impossible that Id be the same person again, impossible to feel happy, impossible and impossible...that's all what I had in mind.
I talked to many people about that, here and in real life, people with similar experiences and I'm really thankful that they exist and I got to talk to them, no matter how much I thank them I wont be able to thank them enough.
To skip past most details, I woke up today morning to think about it again as I do almost every single day. I started thinking again of what do I exactly mean by wanting to "move on". Is it that I wanted to forget everything about? Well that is impossible! I realised that this was an experience and that I wouldn't like to forget an experience no matter how horrible it was. I realised that I never acknowledged that this is the type of experience I needed to prepare myself for what's still to be coming. Now I feel so much better about it, especially the fact that I did my best to try and save all the victims. Its true that I didn't "succeed" in reviving them but there was nothing more to be done. I'm now certain I gave all what I could, and I got to experience something unique...in a bad way but I know I cant let this negatively affect anymore. That's life, not everything goes as we want it to, we cant save everyone and we cant do the impossible because after all I'm still a human.
So in conclusion, I now feel much better about it and yes I'm still numb but in a good way.
@TheRandomEMT
Oh goodness just bits about the incident is difficult to even imagine, you had to experience it and I'm so very sorry for the trauma such experiences cause. It makes alot of sense about not being able to (or even want to) forget or "move on" from this, in a way, yes experiences do teach us something, howsoever horrible the lesson is. Makes me very proud of you, Random, how you're able to ground in the fact that you gave it your best (perhaps even more) and there really was nothing else you could have done, in major situations like these one is not even sure what "success" really is, I see how being able to assure yourself more that somethings are beyond us, and that you are a human too (yes, you very much are), can help in letting things settle in bit more, it's definitely not easy and far from comfortable, but you're so allowed all your time and pace to process the event, and your feelings after. ❤
I'm also really glad you've found some comfort and company in talking to people with shared experiences, a reminder of us not being alone, and an encouragement that we did all we could, certainly is something one can use more often. It is also brave of you to share with them and here, I bet it isn't easy verbalizing this either. Sending lots of comfy vibes your way. ❤
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
Thank you so much for your kind words ❤️
Unfortunately sometimes we're expected to do much more when we're dispatched to such calls and people usually don't view us as humans. They think that since you work in the ambulance, you have the ability to bring someone back from the death and unfortunately we couldn't save 3 victims from this accident. But again reminding myself that I'm not a god and that there was nothing more to be done helps me move with it. As I said I haven't moved on and I never will but I'm not letting this affect me negatively anymore. It was a valuable experience no matter how horrible it was. I don't even know if any of that makes sense but this is how I view it and it helps so much to look at it that way.
Again thank you so much for your kind comment. I totally appreciate it ❤️
No one can begin to understand your personal experiences and the legacy that they have left. Reading between the lines it sounds like you do an outstanding job, putting yourself on the line, and going into situations when other folk are running out. This must take a toll on your inner peace.
It sounds like you are beginning to process some of this trauma, which is a brave step to take and requires courage to face the darkness as opposed to blocking it out. I'm sure that you will know, that traumatic memories cry out to be processed and then filed away. They then lose some of their power.
I had to perform CPR on my dying husband...but by the time he'd got to the hospital it was too late. I can barely imagine what you have been through. Take your time, be kind and patient with yourself and trust that you will learn to live and adapt to the experiences you have gone through. Above all , please treat yourself with the compassion you deserve.
@sooty41
I'm so sorry for your loss. Trust me you're stronger than you could ever imagine. I could never envision close to home calls or performing CPR on someone I know. Before every single shift of mine, I pray that I don't face any of those close to home calls since they just come in the most unexpected way. Till this day, I have never had to deal with a family member having and emergency, and having to deal with such a thing is my biggest fear. So just know it and believe me, you're a truly strong human being ❤️
@TheRandomEMT
Thank you, but i'm not strong.....i'm a wreck. And truthfully, if faced with such a situation we would all act instinctively and do our best for our loved ones. But to be faced with that day in and day out is a whole different matter. So, as i said, take your time to recover, show yourself some compassion and know that you can still live your life, having experienced what you have. Yes, it changes you, but you can still have a life...and a good one, given the chance to heal.
