I was working a 48, first 12 hours were OK, next 12 hours I lost a patient and I don't know if the other would make it, third 12 hours were OK and the 4th 12 hours...

Well, here's the thing. 44 hours into the shift, we got another call from dispatch: a middle aged male with severe chest pain which radiates to the left arm, classic MI symptoms. We classified this as a category 1 call and rushed to the scene. We arrived, connected the patient on a 12-lead ECG, confirmed it indeed was an MI in our preliminary diagnosis, admistered oxygen to help with his sats, morphine for pain relief and gave him aspirin. Everything sounds good till now.

We then load the patient into the ambulance and I sit next to him in the back as my partner jumps in behind the wheel. In the meantime, I'm taking vital signs, writing a quick report and trying to comfort the patient with a little conversation in which during he kept talking about his two kids and wife who live in a different country. He talked about how he loves them and about how they mean the world to him.

During this conversation he mentioned a very important detail, that's he's a DNR. Why was he a DNR though? No medical reason, it's just his will. Now we're still on our way to the hospital, my partner driving and I'm in the back monitoring and comforting the patient. Suddenly, his heart rate rises, the ECG rhythm changes to a VT, the patient slowly starts to code and I'm just there. My mind is screaming "PERFORM CPR", it's just the instinct, it's impossible to act against your instinct but what do I have to keep in mind? That my patient is DNR and legally there's nothing I could do. I just stood there, watching his heart rate then dropping from a 200 to 0, watching the rhythm changing to asystole, hearing him let out his last breath. He was peacefully passing and I had to let him go.

The monitor beeping sounds were unbearable. My partner watching everything through the mirror, I slowly cover the patient with a white sheet from head to toe. My partner turns off the sirens and the ambulance slows down. I just sit down next to the deceased body till we arrive to the hospital. The body I was sitting next to was the same person I was talking to moments earlier. I've never seen anyone pass so peacefully before but I wasn't at all in peace. I could've just attempted resuscitation but I decided to act upon his will.

I pushed hard to pull through the last couple hours of my shift. When it was finally over I went back home. Even after working 48 hours, I wasn't able to get myself to sleep for 16 hours later till I knocked myself out with Benadryl to be able to get some rest before my next shift. Just a really minor part the life as a first responder.