numb and lost
Hi, I am new here and hope everyone is having a decent day.
I don't wish to get into all the grand details of what really triggered the numbness. However, a few years ago (yes it has been that long, almost 3yes now...) Some actions from my husband bit me really hard. So hard that I considered leaving. We have talked, apologies were made... life is supposed to move forward. Yet, for me. I have completely shut down. I can't seem to lock this one up this time. These actions caused me to do some major reflection of my life. I've come to realize just how alone I truly am. My entire life people have toyed with me, say one thing, yet actions prove another. I've never really has anyone I could call friend. No one to talk to.... Now, I don't even know how to be me anymore. I'm afraid to reach out, afraid to talk about emotions, not that I have anyone that cares. I knew I would be alone in this world eventually, I've accepted that... Yet, right now, I need help, I need someone to hear me. All I want to do anymore is cry and it's been like this for too long.. I want to move forward, this time, I don't know how.....
@tkazzy79 welcome to 7 Cups. I hope you find friends and support here.
There are many listeners if you care to have a chat in text like this you can browse for a listener. https://www.7cups.com/BrowseListeners/
The sharing circle is a great place where people listen to what we want to share. https://www.7cups.com/chat/?c=lmJndHyWk5edlLBlWVrCnQ!!
There are many other resources if you like ask me and I can share more.
Hope you get the support you are looking for.
@soulsings I empathize with @tkazzy79. I have issues with my marriage also. You mentioned other resources, can you recommend them to me? Thank you.
@tkazzy79 I feel the same. Shutdown.
@tkazzy79 I empathize with you. I shut down a long time ago. We do many things for those we love Sometimes those decisions hurt more than they heal. It is not a matter of forgiveness. The past repeats itself and it is almost impossible to move forward. I am looking to heal also. You are not alone.
@tkazzy79
Thank you for sharing; that took courage. I'm sorry that you're struggling so much with your life and marriage. Shutting down is never ideal but is often a coping mechanism that is sometimes necessary in certain situations, such as the one you're in. I'm glad you've expressed how you're feeling and where you'd like to go here on 7cups! I hope you're able to receive the help you need/desire here :)
Thank you everyone for the wonderful responses.
As for the forgiveness aspect of everything. I have forgiven the situation and him. I understand what happened, don't understand why it happened... but, it is what it is. His apologies were very sincere, he knows how much he hurt me, it took him awhile to actually see it, to open his eyes... but he got there... We can't talk about it anymore, there's not much to talk about really. It's me that needs to be worked on, it's me that needs to heal. My problem is the simple fact that I can't let things go. I'm the type that once I get hurt, I walk and leave it all behind, moving forward. As for my husband, I can't just up and leave, not after 20yrs of being together. I do love him and I have no intentions on leaving him. At the same time, so much as changed between us.... He has changed.... I don't know how to get him back. Meanwhile, this change is causing me to remain numb. Which results in not knowing how to get me back either.
I can't forgive myself for allowing certain things to happen though. A ton of blame got put onto my shoulders, blame that wasn't meant to be on my shoulders... Yet, I allowed it to happen all the same. I allowed myself to get hurt, knowing the end result. All that false blame still stings to this day. It may have happened awhile back, is old news now... Sadly, the emotions of it keep it alive as if it happened yesterday. I'm really good at holding onto things, I'm a dweller and though I have gotten through a lot of past emotional issues... I was learning how to be happy for a change...
Then this happened... it busted open a ton of doors.. the old pain came rushing back like a dam broke and I'm drowning in the crashing waves. It's like I have to start from scratch and close all those doors again, binding the demons that whisper to me.... This time, it's different, this time... I don't even know where to begin or how to pull myself out of the water. I just want to stay here and drown kind of feeling, like it is pointless to pull myself out, knowing that I will just get hurt again at some point down the road.
@tkazzy79 I am sorry it hurts so much. It may be time to get professional help to get you moving in a positive direction.
I understand it all it sounds like me. I will be your friend I have none either. I am 52 yrs old. How old are you ?
HI, I hope you do not mind me providing some input. I am 40+ single, I tried a few relationships but they were just not for me. I have had friendships through the years, some of them lasted, some not or we lost touch or didn't last long and some are on and off, the ones that lasted are the people I grew up with or went to school or had a meaningful time, like going out with them on an ongoing basis.
I know it's easy for us to sit here and write about your experience, but based on what you are saying here, as an outsider, I get the feeling that you may have not taken the time to be alone and really got to know you. This has nothing to do with other people and also nothing to do with what others think of you. Have you thought of taking time away and really exploring yourself?
