My anger is ruining my marriage
Not sure if this is the place. I have been dealing with anger, anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember. Lately and for the last 5 years it’s been bad. I lash out against others and it’s coming to the point my wife wants a divorce. Tried to do therapy before but I fall right back in the same hole. I need to figure out a way to change or I will never get my wife back. We have 2 girls and I constantly yell at them over the littlest things. I need some way of dealing with this so I don’t lose my family
This is a great place to start. Something is triggering you and your lashing out because you don't have another way to express your feelings. When you feel yourself building up the energy before you yell, what's happening? What are the circumstances? What can you do to slow the progression of upset/anger? How can you remove yourself from the situation and allow yourself time to sort your thoughts and change your emotions?
It is usually a very fast process. It could be the smallest thing like a drink spilling that sets me off. I need to breathe through it and not automatically just right to anger. It’s easier said than done but it’s the only way I could do it. I just need it to last so I don’t relapse again.
@monkeywrench091
I'm going to be completely honest. Yelling at your wife and kids will hurt them, and your kids will subconsciously start fearing you even though they know 'dad doesn't mean it'. They'll want to distance themselves from you in the future. You'll never be able to be a good father to them, and you'll regret this in the future. Also, I'm positive that you don't do this same kind of behaviour with your colleagues or friends. then why do you think you have the right to act this way towards your family? just take a deep breath and approach things consciously and if you can't do that then maintain some distance from your family and spend time with yourself, come back when you understand their importance in your life.
monkeywrench091 It’ll take a while to replace the habit of anger with something healthier. You essentially have to get angry and choose a different, healthier reaction and each time you do this, your brain is creating new neural pathways and it will happen less and less. So essentially, you have to get angry, but react differently to show your brain you are safe when you don’t react aggressively.
I appreciate the advice. It took me a long time to get the courage to come out and say I have a problem. I mask it for everyone. My wife has know and at one point I though I was bipolar before I learned more about it. Someone here helped me pinpoint a cause of why I get angry. I am weak but try to be the tough guy and be the alpha and that gets portrayed as anger. It’s all I know how to react to things.
@Ardnassac Hey if i may ask, what has worked for you in terms of "rewiring" your brain to react differently in anger? I know this works according to my studies, but being consistent on that path is difficult. Just like OP, I have a very similar issue, its just hard.
I know why I get angry though, because I'm afraid my husband doesn't trust me, I'm afraid some of his words will create an issue for our relationship in the future, some of his opinions on relationships scare me, one time he said "i would expect no arguments at all" and i was so scared because if we had an argument, would that mean he leaves me? So right there and then I say "so what youll leave me if we argue? thats unrealistic and unfair, every couple argues"
I can take accountability, I know where and why I'm getting angry, but being committed and stopping the anger as soon as its about to happen is hard. Especially when my husband is also angry, I need to learn how to not show even a little anger, because when i do show it, my husband also gets bothered and sometimes says something that riles me up more
@monkeywrench091 I don't have a lot of advice to offer, but I wanted to say that I'm going through the same thing,, my husband feels like im disrespecting him and that I cant control my anger.
I only lash out (and its not shouting or yelling blatantly, just a raised voice) when my husband says something that I feel needs to be corrected, or is an attack to me. Sometimes even a disagreement will lead to this.
Im scared of losing him too, I love him. we dont have children but I can't imagine being with anyone else. He's overlooked and done so many things for me, i just wished I could see the consequences of me getting angry before I got angry rather than refusing my husband's ask to stop the arguement and make things worse
It makes it hard with children because you have more than 1 person to care about. I always feel horrible after I have an episode and no matter what I say the damage is done. Just remember to breathe and think about the consequences.
we will all get through this, hopefully it all works out. I am here if you want to talk.
@monkeywrench091 thank you, sending you lots of hugs and hope!
But omg i totally get what you feel, i dont have children but i hate hurting my husband, hes been trusting me a little more and being more close to me and i love it,, i just feel so ashamed for what i did even while it was all going well,, and no amount of sorry or words can change it now.
Id love to chat, since it seems like you and I are in the same spot, I'd love to help you too if I could! I've read someone elses response on your post about changing the brain pathways,, and I know it works, but the challenge is to stick to the change rather than going back to the same hole as you just wrote about in the post.
I hope we all go through this, our families feel hurt yes but it also bothers us a lot to hurt others unintentionally
a shot in the dark here, it may also be good to get your hormones checked. I know high testosterone can really affect that quickness to anger.
Once my health insurance kicks in I will have the doctor check it. Thank you for the insight. Never would’ve though that
