Controlling Parents?
Heyy lovess!
Here again, to pour my heart out.
I wanted to talk about how I feel like my mother is very controlling.
Okay, I'll just sum up rq.
So yesterday we fought like sometimes mother and daughter do and from my perspective I feel like it was very unnecessary but whatever.
She took away my phone,my tablet, and the cable to my TV so that I basically couldn't use anything.
You might question now how I'm writing on here, but that's another story.
So I have family link.
My mom controls how long I can use my phone,where i go,where I arrive,what apps I download, and so on.
Mind you that where I come from in 2 years, I will legally be an adult.
So I'm not a 12 year old coming on here and complaining about my mother "looking out" for me.
Well, I had this control app since I think 5 years now?
And if you think that's it well, no.
Remember I said that she took away my phone?
Well, today, she went through it like multiple times.
And I HATE stuff like that because, yes, even tho she pays the bills and paid my phone, I still have a right for privacy, right?
And I don't have stuff to hide, but I just don't like people going through my phone because it's MY SPACE.
Just like my room.
And we'll she isn't the one that goes to apps and looks at what I downloaded (which would be stupid because she literally has to allow me to download something)
She went through multiple CHATS of me and my friends!!!
Through my block lists and so on.
I mean, I would have given her my phone if she really was unsure and wanted to check, but WITHOUT ASKING, READING MY PRIVAT MESSAGES GOING TO MY CHROME SEARCHES AND SO ON?
And please if you read through here and are one of these persons that wanna lecture me that she has evey right and blablabla just don't reply to this because I don't wanna here it because I won't understand anyways.
You know, I think no one would like someone doing this, and just because I am a "minor" does not mean that I don't deserve my privacy, right?
Well, yes, my phone is technically her, but she gifted it to me.
Do you go to someone who you gifted a journal and tell them you want to read what they wrote in it just because you bought it from your money?
I might be the only one thinking like this, but I just don't get it.
Ofc you can check up on me to make sure I'm not dealing drugs or texting with some kind of 50 year old men but just because you want to and to go in to my chats and read all of them?
Isn't that a bit too much?
My mom said to me that because she is my mother, she has EVERY right. And since I'm a "child," and she doesn't go through my room(she literally did that yesterday), that should be enough privacy for me.
I hate that kind of mindset.
I am a very, very unproblematic child/person, and I never was one.
She even said that herself and my grandmother, who lives downstairs, also says that.
So what's the problem?
Why invade my privacy because you gave it to me and you bought it? For literally no.reason.
Why do I as a "child" have no right for privacy?
I am a human being to and like I said, I'm not a little child anymore that does stupid stuff and can't take responsibility.
In 2 years I can do whatever ever I please.
It annoys me so much.
And I can't negotiate with her because we talked about and she is of the opinion that if I don't like her going through my phone I must hide something and have "secret chats" or something which isn't the reason.
I just don't like it and would like to have SOME privacy.
What does she think I' talking with my friends about?
That I'm not straight and me and my friends simping over a fictional character(Vi from Arcane/LoL)?
About how I think the hoodie of my find looks great on her?
Me thanking my friends for the day we spent together?
What does she have from looking through it?
Maybe there is stuff that my friends only want me to know?
Secrets they tell me about their life?
She doesn't even think of that.
No privacy.
Not for me or the people I am texting with.
Even her mom(my grandmother) said that she understands the part with the location and app controlling but doesn't understand anything of the other stuff she does.
Even HER OWN MOM?
Idk how you guys think but I think that a girl that already is done with puberty,is finishing her exams this summer, is legally an adult in 2 years and can already start working if she wanted to deserve some privacy at least. (I know some stuff don't have to do with anything, but I got told from every adult around me since I was a "literal" child that I am very grown-up and mature for my age. So I don't think it's because I' not "mature" enough.)
I just don't knoww peopleeee, please help me or tell me what you think about it because I really don't think it's okay and even her own mother doesn't,my friends don't and I think nobody I know which are all the same age as me just a few months older have parents that do stuff like that by this age anymore or have never even in the first place.
@Ilikenature08
I can hear the frustration you feel from what you wrote. When you're still a minor and living at home, it's your mom's job to make sure you're hanging with the right crowd (safe people) but it does not mean controlling practically every step you make. I understand that you're upset by her reading your private chats. Some mothers are very concerned when they hear all the things that happen to minors and tend to think of the worst-care scenario and fear that their child might be in danger at any given moment. Do you believe that anxiety can be a factor behind your mother's controlling behavior?
I hope you both can come to an agreement with gives you the privacy you need and also allows you to grow into an adult and be able to take those responsibilities and at the same time gives your mother peace of mind.
You said, "in two years" a few times... So you do understand you're still the legal responsibility of your mother and possibly she has your safety in mind.
I can absolutely understand your frustration. It's hard being in that place where you aren't fully grown, but are not a little kid.
When your mother gave you the phone, did she have conditions? Was there an expectation you weren't meeting, and the consequence was taking away technology?
When you are able to have a calm conversation, maybe you can ask for clarification on the rules for future reference. If having full access to your messages is new, it is worth having a conversation about. Remember to use "I feel" statements. Instead of, "You are invading my privacy and controlling my life!"... you might try, "When you went through my messages, I felt hurt and confused."
I can't tell you what to do, just offering this is as one mature possibility to handle a difficult situation.
@Ilikenature08
Your mother is violating your privacy.
The reason that you feel an injustice, is because one is happening.
You are right: You have a right to privacy. Even 5-year-olds have a right to privacy. The independence of a child is low; but as someone grows up, they start becoming more and more independent. At 16, your mother should switch well-meaning control for trust, if the goal is to protect you; which should be the goal. She might not want you to do X or Y dangerous things, but this can and should be achieved via trust and encouragement at your age, not via dictatorial control; and much less, by violating your privacy.
You said it yourself: You can understand her doing some things to look out for you, but not her going through your chats without your permission; for example. I agree: This is crossing a red line, and it is a serious lack of respect from her, to you. It is abusive.
The fact that your mother is doing this shows that she doesn't have healthy boundaries, and that she doesn't respect yours. Also, the fact that you didn't mention your father or his opinion in this text, suggests to me that there is not a father in the home; which if true, is not a good thing, as fathers are usually the ones who create healthy boundaries within the family.
If your grandmother understands you better, try to appeal to her in this regard.
The truth is that you might not be able to free yourself from the invasiveness of your mother until you are at least 18, so you will have to deal with it in one way or another. But, at least in my opinion, the most important thing is to remember and understand that you are indeed suffering an injustice in this regard; your mother is not treating you as she should. I detect insecurity in your text; as if being sure that something is wrong, but at the same time doubting your own judgment. There's no need to, at least in this case. Your interpretation of the situation is correct.
I'm not sure how 7cups works sometimes; but if the site allows you to and you want to, feel free to initiate a chat with me
You might be in a questionable situation right now, but you sound smart; so I know you'll get through it eventually. Good luck
@Ilikenature08
I understand how you feel. Especially your things like your phone being taken away. My parents had done it with me too. I understand that they didn't want me to get addicted to my phone but idk.. I'm not really in position to say anything. But I feel ya.. it was chaotic when that happened to me. Still feel bad/sad thinking about it. I just wanted to say that. Hope you'll be able to solve this issue.. just wanted to say you're not alone in feeling like this.
@Ilikenature08 Gurll I understand you so freaking much! My mum does the same thing when I go to school, couple years back when I was heading out of school this guy approached me to say goodbye and my mum just assumed we were flirting with each other, like what 💀. I have been so afraid to talk to guys since then cause I know she'll create a big fuss, last year a guy from my class got my number from our school group chat and he initiated a friendly conversation with me and no he was not after my body or anything, he had good grades and wasn't a bad influence on me but still knowing my mum I had locked my chats but after a while I felt guilty and thought just not to do it, turns out the second I remove the lock she comes screaming at me that I'm talking to a guy and he's using me blah blah blah ( turns out she had been going through my phone everyday and saw my locked chats but didn't say anything). She then told me to block him and never talk to him again ( I can't go against her) so I had to block him. I have not texted him since or had any sort of contact with him, she doesn't even let me go near my cousin brothers, I remember one time when I was like 10-11 I was just playfully "wrestling" with my cousin brother who's like a 4-5 yrs older than me ( now that I remember, it was hardly wrestling, I was just kinda pushing him). She literally screamed across the room "don't get too close to him" and I remember my cousin brothers mum was so disgusted after my mum said that like how can somebody think that. As of now, I got no guy friends and am not allowed to talk to any guys, she goes through my phone almost every day and she also says "I hope you get married soon" like gurl💀
Anyway, ik that it sucks a lot when your parents control the living soul out of you but guess you just gotta handle it till you're an adult, I wish you gl 🩵
Hii. Yess your mom is a bit too controlling and because she’s your caregiver there’s this power she has over you that can get abused. It’s not normal for mother to go through everything in your phone. I think your mom is paranoid.
It seems like your mom is not respecting your boundary. It might help to not treat your phone as a personal possession because your mom wants a lot of control over your phone which caused resentment. I recommend backing up data to external drives and deleting messages in your phone so any secrets won’t be leaked and you don’t have to feel overly exposed or embarrassed. (:
@Ilikenature08
I'm so sorry you’re going through this. I’m going through this too with my own family including my toxic parents. So I have over 5 years of experience. If you want or need any, please come talk to me and I’ll give you 1 by 1 to try till we find some that work. Good luck to you.
Supportive and friendly tight hugs ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️