Moving from anger towards patience after trauma

Experiencing trauma can make you feel violated and unsafe. You might constantly look for signs of danger wherever you go or excessively check out people you are interacting with to see if they are trustworthy or not. This was the case with me after experiencing bullying.

But there was something else rooted in childhood which increased: anger. Anger tells us that we have been violated in some way or feel that we are threatened. Anger is not always bad, in fact it can be helpful and constructive if we listen to what the anger is telling us. It can motivate us to talk about what bothered us when we calm down. We may learn things about the person who triggered our anger and what kinds of “buttons” we have. We may even process anger differently by journaling about it to find patterns and make changes.

Destructive anger though can cause us and others harm. Since I did not have the option to express my anger where and when it happened, it turned inward and I started to punish myself in different ways. Sadly, I also reacted in ways which were not like me at all. (Please also check this post about Post Traumatic Growth if interested)

It took me a long time to start the healing process and I’m still a work in progress, but doing well mostly thanks to 7cups.

I know there is still anger and it comes out in different situations, like when people look similar or behave in a similar way to my abusers.

There are still situations where I react based on what happened in the past, thankfully very seldom now. An example is when things feel like they are going wrong as in the past, anger arises and it’s hard for me to stay calm and patient and wait to see what really is happening.

Moving from anger to patience can be a life changer.

Here are some points I find very helpful to create a "Calm Down toolbox” and develop more patience:

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1. Identify your triggers and learn the physical and cognitive warning signs

2. Step away from an unhealthy situation like aggressive confrontation to avoid fueling the anger.

3. Move, exercise, engage in hobbies to rechannel the surge of energy created by anger and to get a clearer mind.

4. Actively build a tolerance for being a bit uncomfortable while you postpone giving into angry thoughts.

5. Practise being a good listener to avoid misunderstandings.

6. Healing starts with self care so look after yourself and become an observer of your thoughts to cut off anger from taking full control

7. Leave a potentially explosive situation and retreat to your room or a bathroom to collect your thoughts and calm down.

Other helpful tips

• Having a healthy diet, exercising, getting enough sleep and rest and doing fun stuff are some things which strengthen your nervous system and allow you to become calmer.

• Breathing exercises and progressive muscle relaxation are two common strategies for reducing tension.

• Calming self talk like “This shall pass and I can do it” or “Let it go”

• Incorporate mindfulness like meditation, grounding exercises or mindful movement into your daily routine, so when you need them, you already have the calming tools in place. For example, Yoga and tai chi can help to create positive feelings which have been torn down from emotional trauma and help us live with a more relaxed body.

Participation question:

Who or what in your life requires the most patience from you?

Seeking Help

If anger has been causing problems in your life and you’re struggling to tame your temper on your own, you might want to seek professional help. Some mental health problems can be linked to anger management issues.

Are you looking for a therapist? 7cups has online, certified therapists with a paid option. For more information click on link https://www.7cups.com/online-therapy/?ob=1

That way you can participate in all the latest developments of this community. Please allow 4-7 days for your request to be processed.

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