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the only reason im still sober
justmiles March 25th
.

day 511 of being sober

extreme TW!!!!! going into detail of hallucinations and drug use in this post as well as sleep paralysis!

context- i love to sleep, no i really really love to sleep. i love naps, going to bed early, sleeping in, you name it. i just like to sleep.

before starting the use of substances i had sleep paralysis (what i would consider "normal" sleep paralysis) i would have hallucinations of people coming into my room, the episodes would only last a few minutes at most. 

i slowly had these small episodes more and more often but then a sudden change happened in my sleep paralysis. what i would call (sever horrific episodes)

please dont say "it just feels longer when youre in them" because im positive these episodes would last hours. 

at first the hallucinations were the worst part. it was like my brain pulled everything scary i have ever seen in any movie into the room with me. 

second- the loops. i would be certain i was awake. i would get up from bed. even call someone to tell them i had sleep paralysis! and bam i would snap back into bed, frozen, with the nightmares all around me

third- out of body- i would pull myself out of my body and sometimes make it all the way outside screaming for help

fourth- family. i would hallucinate that my family would come into my room and that i would fall between the bed and the wall and they wouldnt be able to find me to wake me up. "help me help me please" i would try to scream but it was like trying to talk with a really dry mouth

fifth- the voice. when i would be going through all this i ussually was really upset. like mad that it was happening. i once screamed out "none of this is real! this is all bs!" and then i heard it, a voice scream back "is this not scary enough for you?!"


i never put together that the sleep paralysis was linked to drug use intell both stopped at the same time. its honestly the only thing keeping me sober. god it was a scary place. one i never wish to return to. 


i truely think no words could explain how scary it was, this post doesnt even come close. 

1
SerenelyClean March 26th
.

I experienced almost this exact thing, and yes it was soooo bad when I was using. I'm a recovering opioid addict so I was always asleep, or nodded out. But it was BAD... I still get it ever now and then, but only for about 30-60 seconds and not very often. Where as before It would happen ever night. And I can't say I saw things, but I would feel this feeling if sheer terror, but having no idea why, like I was terrified, like something was there. Idk, but like I would finally wake feeling on the verge if a heart attack my heart would be beating so hard and so fast, pouring sweat. Oh! And the loop thing, I would "wake up" about 3 times on average before I would ACTUALLY wake up... and I remember screaming at myself to wake up.. what I do still have on a regular basis tho is night terrors... almost every night, see I didn't actually dream much in active addiction, sleep paralysis yes but not dreaming... but since being sober I have night terrors ALMOST every night. At least 5 nights per week

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