It's not my problem.
Trigger Warning. Drink and decidedly unpleasant consequences.
This evening my partner went out for a car part. And came back 6 hours later, drunk. The first thing they said to me was that I was a horrible person.
Hurtful. Despair.
A big deep breath. This is not my problem.
And then I responded with compassion. I'm so damn proud of that.
My partner promptly fell asleep.
They are not sleeping well. They keep waking, almost vomiting, and then immediately falling asleep again.
At some point they likely will vomit. They normally do in this situation. Normally I would get a bucket, so it's handy. But I've just been learning about enabling. Maybe I should let there be a mess that they have to clean up in the morning. After all, it's not my problem.
Maybe I'm going to be OK.
Thanks for listening.
@Clio9876
Good for you! it is hard to not make sure there is a bucket or preemptive helping them.... it is not your problem and when we enable that only prolongs them from hitting rock bottom or catching a clue it is a big problem that is THEIRS.
@Clio9876
Thank you for sharing this. I can hear the strength in your words, even in the midst of hurt and frustration. It takes so much self-awareness to pause, take that deep breath, and remind yourself that their actions and words are not a reflection of you. That’s a powerful step in protecting your own peace.
Your response—choosing compassion while also recognizing what is and isn’t your responsibility—is something to be truly proud of. Learning about enabling and setting boundaries isn’t easy, especially when emotions are involved. But you’re doing it. You’re showing yourself that you matter too, that you don’t have to carry what isn’t yours to carry.
And yes, I believe you are going to be OK. More than OK. Keep holding onto that strength and self-worth. You’re not alone. Sending you support and kindness. 💙
Much love,
Kayla 💕🫶🏻
@KaylaBella
Both you and @toughTiger6481 communicate a strong belief that I am doing the right thing(s). My partner communicates a strong belief that I am doing the wrong thing(s).
My doubt is whether to believe you or them. If I believe you, then i stop trusting my partner.
I'm trying to believe in what feels most right to me. But that doubt, it eats away at you.
I think that loss of trust is the worst part of living with an addiction. In fact, I think me telling my partner I felt I couldn't trust them is what led to "you're a horrible person". Do I really have control over whether I feel I can trust someone or not? Or is the fact I can't trust them their problem?
The fact I don't trust myself is my problem. I think I will focus on that one.
Thanks for listening.
@Clio9876
Doubt can be exhausting, especially when it comes to trusting your own instincts versus what someone you love is telling you. It makes sense that you’re struggling with who to believe—because trust isn’t just about facts; it’s about emotions, history, and the deep hope that things can get better.
You asked if trust is something you control or if the fact that you don’t trust your partner is their problem. And I think the truth is, it’s both. Trust isn’t something we force ourselves to feel—it’s built through actions, consistency, and honesty. If your partner’s actions have made trust difficult, that’s not your fault. You’re not wrong for feeling what you feel. But at the same time, what you do with that feeling is yours to navigate. And right now, you’re doing that in a thoughtful, self-aware way.
Focusing on trusting yourself is such a powerful step. Because when you trust yourself—your perception, your boundaries, your needs—it becomes clearer what is and isn’t yours to carry. Keep leaning into that. You’re not alone in this.
Sending you support and strength.
Much love,
Kayla 💕🫶🏻