I slipped. After almost 20 years.
The shame I feel is immeasurable. Well, it will be once the high wears off. I took double the dose of my prescription anti-anxiety medication. Not enough to cause me harm, I'm no where near the maximum therapeutic dose. But it just doesn't do enough if I take only the recommended dose.
Again, I didn't take anything that is harmful or could cause my immediate or long term problems.
But when I was a teenager, this is how it started. A little extra, to take the edge off the enormous emotions I couldn't deal with. And now, were in the same place.
I have all these enormous emotions that I can't cope with. That I can't deal with. I just want my brain to stop for a bit and let me alone.
And even if it's a completely *** up state, at least it's not too much. Too much emotion, too much anger, shame, self-hatred. Self blame. Always the self blame. I'm responsible for everything bad that's ever happened to me. I'm responsible for every bad person who hurt me.
And I'd never judge someone else so harshly as I judge myself. I'm so proud of everyone else, even when they slip, but for me? I'm awful.
And realizing how awful I must be that I drew all these abusers to me, that I brought it on myself, even as a child. As a toddler, somehow I was evil enough to need to be punished.
So I took extra medicine to make it stop hurting. To make it easier. Because if it's easier, I can sit with it. It doesn't hurt. It doesn't drag across my skin and rip it off in chunks that will never be able to be replaced, no matter how hard I try.
Because I keep trying to put myself back together and more keeps falling off.
And so I slipped.
I need relief, and I've found it. And then that makes me consider more extreme relief. Street drugs. They'd be easy to get, probably just as easy to hide from my wife. But is that who I am? No. Is that who I want to be? Oh god, no. Is that who I might become? I'm afraid of the answer.
But when I wake up tomorrow, after doing this and having these thoughts, the shame that I'll feel will disgust me and the self hatred will be at the max and I'll be right back where I am now.
And I'll be right back to wanting to take the edge off.
And I'm scared, I'm alone, and I don't know what to do or how to cope.
I don't know if anyone has advice, or can be empathetic. But I had to let it out.
If you read this all, thank you for reading. I know it might be incoherent at times, the meds kicked in right before I started typing, and they're continuing to numb me and make me nothing.
Sorry again, and thank you.
I should add, addiction runs in my family. I'm an alcoholic myself, haven't drank in years. (Except one drink at Christmas with the in-laws, but it was only one.) But my wife has struggled with addiction and has never released.
I'm genuinely such a huge disappointment. I feel worthless. Even now, with the high, I feel worthless. I want to take more to forget. (Again, not enough to hurt myself, but enough to stop feeling. I just need to stop feeling.)
I don't know who to turn to. I have no one in my life who would understand, not judge me, and not taking my meds away. I need those. When I take them right they help. I don't want the ADHD med taken away either, and I feel like they will be.
I'm royally messed this up. I'm ruining my life. I don't know how to fix this. I don't even think it can be fixed. I'm just proving their point. I'm worthless.
@witchybirdie
Hey. The rule is "first thing is to do no harm". The rule applies also (or even mostly) to yourself. I believe you should do no harm to you, either by intoxication, or by overdosing medicines, or - what is equally important - by thinking of yourself as if you were doomed, worthless and lost. You still have too much too lose.
Recovering from the addiction is not an easy process itself. If your home background was unsafe, unstable, confusing - make it twice as difficult. If you have been a victim of abuse - make it further twice as difficult again.
But how about taking it small steps, one step at a time, first things first? And keeping to some very BASIC rules - when you are trying to recover from the alcohol abuse, having "just one" with your in-laws is breaking the entire system.
I believe that deep inside of you you are a good person, but a person who was deeply wounded. And it doesn't help when you feel guilty, put all the blame on you, and make excuses for the people who hurt you. You deserve to be alive, happy and free.
Apart from the doctor who is prescribing you the medicines, do you work with a therapist on a regular basis, attend any group or 12 Steps meetings? How about giving yourself a chance to feel less alone in your struggles? 'Cause I believe your life is one of a kind, and it deserves saving.
How are you today?
@jacek73
Thank you for that. I'm ashamed of myself deeply today, but I'm okay. I talked to my wife, we came up with a plan that she would be in charge of that medicine. Shed hid it and only give it to me for panic attacks as it is prescribed.
And yeah, I definitely had an unstable home background and was heavily abused, so... I'm just starting so low on the ladder already..
Eh, I agree for the most part, but I had one and I called it a day. That wasn't me when I was younger. I can handle one and not crave more, no matter how much I hate being there. I'm sure AA says different, but that's my personal system and it hasn't failed me. I haven't drank in years, except one at the in-laws occasionally.
I do see a therapist weekly. I am not a number of a 12 step program. I went to one once and the reliance of God, who I don't really believe in, really turned me off, so I never went back. I'm not a "God will save you" kind of person. And a lot of the steps acknowledge God and that makes me... Uncomfortable.
I'm doing better. I talked to my wife. It was a slip. She said I can get back up from it. Like slipping on ice. It might hurt, but we can get up and keep moving forward.
Thanks for replying. ❤️
@witchybirdie
Good to hear you're good. The way she supports you, your wife must be a great person I can hardly imagine!
I understand that 12 Steps might be not likable to quite many people. I used to attend ACoA meetings, and being a part of community felt great, but what I disliked was some "do as the book says, there is no other way" attitude.
I’m not sure where you are at today not sure when you typed the message but I feel your pain. I’m early in recovery maybe two years in a handful of times used. I’m a drug addict. I shot heroin. I shot Coke. I smoke cocaine for years and years and years and I finally stopped. I’ve had the courage to not go back to the mess. I was in, I can tell you you’re not alone we think we are but in all seriousness, you have to go to meetings and honestly I stopped and I’m starting to go back. It’s literally something you have to do after mine or something. You’re not the only one you have to remind yourself that you’re not alone and most importantly, forgive yourself , when you forgive yourself, you won’t blame yourself. You know you made the choice. That’s all you did. You made a choice. You were not evil as a child when you were getting hit that’s not your fault you can’t blame anybody for that. Love and light to you always.
@magneticwaterfall7305
I'm okay today. Still ashamed and upset, but I'm okay overall.
Thank you for sharing that with that me. I appreciate knowing that I'm not alone.
I tried a meeting once and it was so God heavy and I'm not really a believer, so it really turned me off to the concept. I can try again, though.
Love and light to you, as well. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply and be there for me.