In love with an alcoholic
I’m looking for some perspective and advice.
I’m in a relationship with someone who reignited what I thought was long gone… my ability to love.
He’s thoughtful, generous, and just someone I can be completely myself with.
…unless he’s had too much to drink.
He hasn’t reached the point of hard liquor yet, only beer, but I have a fear that it isn’t far off.
He is, for the most part, a functional alcoholic. He drinks starting anywhere from 10a and continues throughout the day.
It began when his wife of 14 years left him for another man.
A solid foundation for such a sinister addiction.
I found out not long after we decided to be exclusive, so I knew what I was doing… just didn’t completely understand yet. I had already been swept away by the starting twitterpation.
It started with a few crazy fights that were far too intense early on and I initially thought that it was just us. We just didn’t fit.
Until I noticed a pattern colliding with how much he had throughout the day. He would apologize and rationally explain what was going on in his mind during the argument.
While he’s addressed/admitted that he’s an alcoholic and that he wants to stop, he refuses to find a solution.
I don’t fully understand it well enough to take a stance. I don’t want to be an enabler, but it’s also still only 8 months in and I don’t feel like I have a right to ask him to.
He said it was going to be hard for him to get past and, being the foolish optimist that I am, I told him that I would hold on.
my friends have told me that it’s better for for both him and me to walk away and let him figure out his path.
Is it selfish for me to stay? I can say that I love him. I know this because of the small things… quirks, the easy we communicate, the perfect fold under his arm for my sharp shoulder blades… the way that I shifted from hating the way he treated me when he was drunk to worrying about it cutting his life short or lowering his quality of life with a disability.
We would be fine for a week and then he would blow up about something very small. He’s never been violent… only incredibly hurtful. A few times even claiming that he has no emotions and could care less about me. This is all wiped away with an apology a few days afterward.
I’m trying so hard not to take some things he says personally, but it does occasionally tear me down.
i don’t know what to do… I want him in my life but is that only hurting him more?
I don’t expect a solution or even suggestions… I just need something… some kind of perspective from another person who has been on his side of the road.
thank you for taking the time to read this…
I’m literally sitting in my apartment, moping after one of these arguments flushed me from his house.
I have learned to sit and wait for him to calm down and reach out to me, because rationality goes out the window when I try to reason or even agree… every response I give would be seen as some hidden agenda/manipulation/sarcasm. So I just stay quiet and wait.
@Samickle
In many cases the person will not change until they really see it as a problem..... Oh they wiil acknowledge it but not stay with a plan to stop ....
loved ones can say "you need to stop " and many nod and agree try for a short time then go back to their behavior. Functional alcoholics sometimes feel it is not causing other issues so it is not that bad.
He must not think it is that big of a deal..... it is a hard position to be in .... but as long as you make nice after these drunken fits he does not see it as that big of a deal. he thinks you will get over the next episode and the next etc. Waiting for him to get over things time and time again is enabling IMO.
What is your obligation to ..You....... I am sure you do not deserve this treatment and yo- yo is it a day he drank a lot lifestyle... Make a goal for you of how long you are willing to put up with it....
when he is sober tell him your boundaries that you care for him but in YOUR best interest since he does not deal with his issue you will need to move on.
Hi Samsickle. Unfortunately, I've been battling the same thing with someone I love very much so I can relate to the frustration and sadness you must be feeling.
One thing I can say with some certainty, though, is that asking someone to change for you will only lead to their resentment, they must do it for themselves.
I'm sorry I can't offer anything other than a compassionate ear.
Hi, not an easy situation. I used to be in a co-dependent relationship with a person who had alcohol problems. Unfortunately nothing good came out of it and we had to split. So maybe you could seek professional help on that. Cannot say anything for this very situation, but for the future you might get stronger and that will help you stay away from falling in love in advance, i.e. prior to people proving that they deserve it.
Hi Samickle.
I’m sorry you are going through something like this. It is a difficult situation to be in with your loved ones.
I have been there and I have to say that Al Anon has been extremely helpful. You are surrounded by people in the same situation and also people who have learned how to deal with it and are living a happy life. It has been very helpful to me to hear the perspective of others in the same situation and to know that they understand exactly what I’m talking about.
You can go to meetings in person or they have online meetings through zoom or phone meetings. At the beginning, I did at least two meetings a day Usually one in person and one on the phone. Maybe give it a try.
Best of luck to you.
Its not your responsibility to fix his life.
I know a little bit how you feel. My mom which i love is an alcoholic, she drinks because of her anxiety and depression. Thanks to me she knows that she qualifies for psychiatric help or psychotherapy and yet? She rather drinks this hard drug as opposed to do something sensible.
No matter what i do, most of my help is pointless. Once i distanced myself from her i felt massive relief.
The sad truth is that alcoholics need professional rehab, your effort is most probably pointless.
The last paragraph fix: *most alcoholics need
Unfortunately I know all too well what you are going through. My son's father is an alcoholic. We have been together for 12 years. The alcoholism has caused so much damage throughout the years and I am just now trying to set boundaries and live for me and my son. He lies and hides his drinking, hiding empties throughout the house ( I've even found nips in the walls). What I have learned is that if they are using it as a crutch like your boyfriend is about his divorce, it won't stop. It masks their pain and therefore they need it to function. If he doesn't fix the root cause and want to get help you will be stuck in a very frustrating cycle. The longer you are in it, the harder it is to get out... 12 years and counting.
