Alcoholic Partner
I need help in how to support my partner without being angry and reactive. She is up to 24 to 30 beers daily and starts as soon as she wakes up. I just don't know how to help without being angry.
@Shenanigans14 Do you drink as well? If so, is it somewhat on the heavy side? Just curious if your partner will be as receptive to your argument that she is drinking to much. Not that I disagree, 24 beers a day starting in the morning is more than a bit on the heavy side. How to not be angry…um, I would totally understand your being angry. Perhaps you could write down how her drinking is affecting you. Include specific incidents and details. Something like, on Thursday of last week, I came home, had to clean up all your beer cans, wipe up your vomit, wash the dishes, etc. Then after a list of incidents, perhaps write down how this is making you feel. Like, because you passed out with a pan full of boiling grease, I am afraid I will come home some night to a burnt down home and you with it. Or I’m afraid you’re going to develop live disease, or I’m tired of picking up the slack. And in all those feelings make sure to let her know how much you love her and don’t want to see her do this to herself. And also perhaps get some advice from some folks in alanon. 12 step programs aren’t for everyone, but they will listen to what you are facing, and perhaps give you insight on what you can do.
I am not much of a drinker only now and then. I've tried to talk with her about it but she says I am only talking about me and make it about me when I am only trying to explain how it effects us both but she doesn't see it that way.
@Shenanigans14 So you want to “support” her you say. Support in what way?
In going through all she is and help her to not want to drink her days away. She won't talk about it and says I am trying to change her but I'm only wanting her get better.
@Shenanigans14 Well, she is an adult and she doesn’t want “support”. You’re wanting her to stop hurting herself is loving. Don’t get me wrong. She wants you to just let her just keep doing what she is doing. What you’re referring to as “support” sounds like you want to help her to deal with her problems like an adult. But she is not! And damn I don’t know how you can keep from being angry. So stop, “soft peddling” with “support.” You are not responsible for her dealing with whatever little bullshit problems in her head that keep her drinking. The sooner you expect her to act like a fricken adult, the sooner she will see you’re serious and change, or she will find a way to be alone with her first love - alcohol. And honestly, if she is a real alcoholic, the chances that she will end up any other way are slim. So lovingly kick her ass, because “support” is enabling. You wouldn’t be the first significant other to get stuck in “supporting”, and some people stay stuck there for years!
@helpfulAvocado7912 And just to be clear, when I said “lovingly kick her ass” I didn’t mean violence. I meant, start laying out the consequences, like you’re not cleaning up after her messes, or having serious discussions with her when she is drunk or hung over. Drunk people are idiots when they are trying to solve their own problems, and your engaging in “discussion” with her when she’s in that state makes most of what you say go in one fuzzy filter or blackout and out the other. Alanon folks are your best bet for advice on this. I’m just feeling triggered because relationships are hard enough without someone being a fricken anchor. And like another poster said here, your significant other is using as a maladaptive way of dealing with their problems. Outward anger toward her is not productive. But do allow yourself to feel anger, because this situation is frustrating.
— All the best
@helpfulAvocado7912 You are definitely right that i am enabling by trying to be supportive. She won't talk about it at all so i'm not sure how to express consequences with her, first because she is never not drinking and second, she says always make it about me if i try to talk to her about it.... kind of stuck on this.
@Shenanigans14
I'll point out your first mistake. Said it yourself. You are trying to change her. You can't change her. End of. Not going to happen. Accept that first. Then move on from it. You have to change yourself.
You're not raising a child here. So don't treat her like one. She cleans up behind herself, does her own laundry, cooks, gets herself up from bed to be on time, everything.
How's she getting the alcohol? Stop bringing in the house. Period. End of. She wants to drink, she has to go get it herself. Afraid she'll get a DWI? Realize that she's choosing to drive impaired. Hurt someone else? It's possible. Probable eventually. You're not the one making the choice.
Does she work? Have a job? A trust fund? Any source of income? Alcohol is expensive. If you're buying, paying for it, giving her one cent for anything, stop now.
Enabling is doing for someone else what they can and should be doing for themselves. Part of that is facing their own consequences. She wants to talk, she has to be sober. Go out? Sober. Have friends over? Sober. Not sober? Not happening. End of. It's not mean. It's drawing healthy boundaries.
Talking to her won't do you or her any good. You've already said it and nothing changed. So let your actions start talking. You start making changes, she will have to. It won't be a nice adventure but either she will be forced to change something or you'll get tired enough of it to leave. You can't have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person.
@Shenanigans14 It's hard to cope with any type of addiction, both for the person going through it and their social environment. Try to get in her shoes dear. It's an unhealthy but direct coping mechanism. She doesn't realize how unhealthy it is and she doesn't do it on purpose. You need to understand her and empathize with her to get rid of the anger. If you fight her she will react negatively and continue. If she sees you care about her there's a higher chance she won't need alcohol anymore. I wish everything to go well and I know it will. We're here for you to support you. Thank you for sharing!
@calmDew1576 Thank you. I will try to be more empathetic about it and look at it from her view.
@Shenanigans14
I hear you, not taking the anger out on her is difficult. Please join us here in the forum as much as you need to. We're here for you and support you.
I've been on both sides of the addiction spectrum. I was amazed by how much of my own enabling was actually motivated by self-preservation. Or at least what I thought was self-preservation. I was also pretty shocked to discover I was an addict. I can only share what I've learned from my own experiences.
She's an addict. You can't help her. She doesn't want help. Everything you've said so far screams that she doesn't believe there's a problem. Until she's willing to admit it to herself, and change it for herself, there's nothing you can do. All you're doing at the moment is enabling. The only way to help her is by not helping her. No matter what you do, or how hard you try, ultimately, you can't save her from herself. The best way to help her is to care for yourself and let her deal with the repercussions of her addiction.
I know that may sound harsh and I'm sorry for that. I'll give a huge +1 for you to find and attend alanon or narcanon. You'll find the peer support you need to help navigate forward. You'll also find ways to help you make changes that will ultimately help your partner.
Life is challenging enough at times. When the ones we care for are wrapped in addiction, it's even harder.
@kayleebee Are there online Al Anon's?
@Shenanigans14
Yes. You can find an analon meeting near you or an online meeting at alanon.org. They call them electronic meetings and I believe they use the Zoom platform.
There's a hosted live chat here for those in recovery. I don't know the schedule for it since it's been varying lately. It's not meant for family members of addicts but I do believe you should attend when you can. There's a lot you can learn there. Also, please stay here on the support forum. We'll help you any way we can.
I'd like to touch back a bit and say how wonderful you're doing. It's not easy caring about someone bent on self-destruction. It takes a tremendous toll on us and support for you is vital for you to succeed. I'm so glad you're reaching out for it.
@Shenanigans14,
hey I completely understand that you because my partner is also an alcoholic he drinks every day and mostly when he wakes up he starts drink immediately. I know 24 to 30 beers a day is just a lot wow how can she handle that much without getting sick? I mean she is just abusing that alcohol and she definitely needs help. But I’m there with you I also want to try to get some help on how to support my partner without getting upset, but honestly its really hard to not get upset with an alcoholic. Not sure about you but hopefully your partner is not verbal violent with you like mine is to me. It’s really depressing and hard to live with a person that drinks every day and doesn’t want to stop. I mean I also was pointed out by my counselor that theirs Alanon organizations like people are telling you that you can go to them. Not sure where you live but I guess over here they are in person groups that they meet every Thursday and I guess they talk about addictions and support one another. So have you tried to talk to her in letting her know how her drinking is making you feel? Does she even listen i bet you have. I do the same I try to tell mine many times how he’s drinking is affecting me and he just seems not to even care. He cares more about he’s beer than me :( i hope we can be there for one another and maybe we can work something out together and see if it works. I’m a listener here as well so if you want you can message me anytime hopefully everything works out for you to.
Unfortunately, if you can’t convince her to try and get help, then it’s time to leave the relationship for a while. It will only continue until she changes herself. Every time you call her out, she’s going to get angry because denial is one of the biggest coping methods with addiction. I am still addicted to alcohol, but I choose to get help. I know it sounds insensitive, but it’s going to eventually impact your life greatly. Doesn’t mean you have to split up forever, but she needs help.
@Shenanigans14
Supporting a partner with alcohol addiction: