My rank dropped contrary to everyone’s expectations

I would really appreciate to hear your thoughts about this entry 💗

I am currently a senior, a candidate for valedictorian.

I was first place during the first term grading but my rank dropped to second place. I thought I was okay at first.

sSome teachers were shocked about my rank and were worried about my reaction to it. I was the only one the congratulated as a form of comfort. I didn’t understand it but slowly I realized that I may be receiving pity.

The teachers, my classmates, batchmates, schoolmates, friends and family saw how hard I worked.

while I was at school, I studied everywhere and during my free time. I studied at the school bathroom, canteen, waiting area, and also while walking and eating.

there were times I barely ate and barely slept just to study and complete tasks.

I know that no one is mocking my hard work but because of my previous school’s bullying, I started to think they’re mocking me like, “she works so hard but she still isn’t first” or “she’s a try hard”

im afraid that the rank I thought I could appreciate just become another source for mocking although that didn’t happen (yet idk)

I was never confident with my abilities to begin with, I also don’t regret working hard since I think I’m not naturally smart. I just don’t wanna go back to the point where I feel ashamed that I worked so hard only to achieve so little or far from peoples expectations. I’m also a people pleaser just to make it worse.

the reason why I failed is about so many things; from my uncooperative, unresponsive, and always absent research groupmates, exerting my body to practice the dance for a school activity even thought my health is not that good to begin with

my first reason would be when I received the first place though. I’ve always found recognition ceremonies unpleasant. I loved learning itself, I didn’t study to be recognized. But when I received first place, that’s when I felt pressure and I didn’t find studying as an enjoyable activity but rather as a necessity.

there was a scholarship in our school that if we were first place last school year then we didn’t have to pay tuition, I contacted about the school about that scholarship because I was hoping for the tiniest possibility. I really wanted to ease our family’s financial burden even for a bit.

it turned out that I was second place, and the first place from last year got the scholarship.

I don’t resent her and I do think she deserves it. I just felt bad for my single mom that I wasn’t able to get that opportunity for her even though she never pressured me about it or about my studies.

I was able to be first place this school years first term while the first place from last school year got second. I won’t lie, I’d admit that I’m jealous that she got scholarship benefits and there was also a part of me that wished she would give me the first place spot since she was able to get the free tuition benefit already. The thought was absurd and I hated myself for thinking those thoughts.

so now I’m second place, I’m quite relieved but also sad. I didn’t let it show at school nor did I appreciate the what I assumed as outright pity regardless of their kind intentions.

I just don’t wanna regret working hard even if I wasn’t able to reach expectations.

I also wanna stop thinking that I would be mocked or attacked behind my back. I don’t wanna be ridiculed for working hard and not achieving what they thought I would. I wanna move the trauma my previous school gave me. I missed the me that was able to receive kind intentions well but now I start to be suspicious about everyone since the very people I trusted before were the one who hurt me the most..

thanks for reading this, I hope your wishes come true and live a happy healthy peaceful life.