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ryxlyy
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PathStep 2 Compassion hearts36 Forum posts13 Forum upvotes21 Current upvotes21 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2023 Member sinceJanuary 6, 2023
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My rank dropped contrary to everyone’s expectations
Student Support / by ryxlyy
Last post
 January 28th, 2023
...See more I would really appreciate to hear your thoughts about this entry 💗 I am currently a senior, a candidate for valedictorian. I was first place during the first term grading but my rank dropped to second place. I thought I was okay at first. sSome teachers were shocked about my rank and were worried about my reaction to it. I was the only one the congratulated as a form of comfort. I didn’t understand it but slowly I realized that I may be receiving pity. The teachers, my classmates, batchmates, schoolmates, friends and family saw how hard I worked. while I was at school, I studied everywhere and during my free time. I studied at the school bathroom, canteen, waiting area, and also while walking and eating. there were times I barely ate and barely slept just to study and complete tasks. I know that no one is mocking my hard work but because of my previous school’s bullying, I started to think they’re mocking me like, “she works so hard but she still isn’t first” or “she’s a try hard” im afraid that the rank I thought I could appreciate just become another source for mocking although that didn’t happen (yet idk) I was never confident with my abilities to begin with, I also don’t regret working hard since I think I’m not naturally smart. I just don’t wanna go back to the point where I feel ashamed that I worked so hard only to achieve so little or far from peoples expectations. I’m also a people pleaser just to make it worse. the reason why I failed is about so many things; from my uncooperative, unresponsive, and always absent research groupmates, exerting my body to practice the dance for a school activity even thought my health is not that good to begin with my first reason would be when I received the first place though. I’ve always found recognition ceremonies unpleasant. I loved learning itself, I didn’t study to be recognized. But when I received first place, that’s when I felt pressure and I didn’t find studying as an enjoyable activity but rather as a necessity. there was a scholarship in our school that if we were first place last school year then we didn’t have to pay tuition, I contacted about the school about that scholarship because I was hoping for the tiniest possibility. I really wanted to ease our family’s financial burden even for a bit. it turned out that I was second place, and the first place from last year got the scholarship. I don’t resent her and I do think she deserves it. I just felt bad for my single mom that I wasn’t able to get that opportunity for her even though she never pressured me about it or about my studies. I was able to be first place this school years first term while the first place from last school year got second. I won’t lie, I’d admit that I’m jealous that she got scholarship benefits and there was also a part of me that wished she would give me the first place spot since she was able to get the free tuition benefit already. The thought was absurd and I hated myself for thinking those thoughts. so now I’m second place, I’m quite relieved but also sad. I didn’t let it show at school nor did I appreciate the what I assumed as outright pity regardless of their kind intentions. I just don’t wanna regret working hard even if I wasn’t able to reach expectations. I also wanna stop thinking that I would be mocked or attacked behind my back. I don’t wanna be ridiculed for working hard and not achieving what they thought I would. I wanna move the trauma my previous school gave me. I missed the me that was able to receive kind intentions well but now I start to be suspicious about everyone since the very people I trusted before were the one who hurt me the most.. thanks for reading this, I hope your wishes come true and live a happy healthy peaceful life.
Recently joined 7 cups
Newbie Hub / by ryxlyy
Last post
 January 11th, 2023
...See more I’m new here and has been using 7 cups for a week. I am really grateful for this community. There has been many times when I feel like I m not allowed to share how I feel and often times I’d rather become a listener than voice out my feelings. I was afraid that communicating my feelings would only make them worse. I constantly invalidated my feelings and tried to get through my anxiety alone. Having someone I could confide in under the comfort of anonymity has been really helpful. I hope many people would discover this community and be able to take small steps towards healing. Thank you 7 cups! introduction: I’m turning 18, graduating highshool, be just took my dream college’s entrance exam (I hope we all get accepted in our dream school) I love cats, anime, movies, drama, books, and studying (although I still find school uncomfortable, I still have my passion for learning). I also love talking about my hobbies with people that has the same hobbies as I do. thanks for reading, hope we all heal from all that we’ve gone through.
I love BL danmei!!
TV & Movies / by ryxlyy
Last post
 January 17th, 2023
...See more im currently readying dumb husky and white cat Shizun, I finished reading scumbag villain self-saving system, I watched the real life adaptation of mu dao zu shi or grandmaster of demonic cultivation, Untamed. I read the mangas and watched the anime of heaven’s official blessings. im planning to read thousand autumns so too!!
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