We Are Not Our Mistakes

I want to start by letting you all know that I have made A LOT of mistakes in life. Thousands! And guess what? I continue to make them on a pretty routine basis.

I’m not proud of all the mistakes I have made, but I recognize that they are a fundamental part of what it means to be human. Understanding mistakes and learning from them is a key lesson in life.

I wanted to share some ideas that have helped me with the hope that they might help some of you that may be struggling with feeling like a failure or like you have made too many mistakes.

Here are my top 5 ideas for better understanding mistakes.

1. Mistakes are a behavior or an action. They are not you. You are not your mistakes. You may have made poor choices, hurt someone, hurt someone after being hurt, or hurt yourself. Any or all of these may have happened many times. It does not not matter how many times. You will never be your mistakes.

2. Mistakes make sense in the context of your life. They are usually tied to hurts or pain you have experienced. A person might drink, eat, or use an unhealthy amount of drugs. Some people might look at them and say, “Hey, stop that behavior.” That person doesn’t understand that the individual struggling is in some level of pain. They would stop if they could. They are doing the behavior to feel better about themselves. It helps them temporarily get to a better spot. The goal is good, but the path to get there is hurting them.

3. Don’t hang onto mistakes and replay them in your mind over and over again. If you want to do better, then it is much more effective to just let them go - you can imagine them on a cloud floating away - than it is to keep thinking about it or beating yourself up. We all get off the path. Some of us more often than others. The key is to just find the path again and start walking on it.

4. Some people really want you to identify with your mistakes, hold them over you, or treat you like you are a mistake. If appropriate and you feel safe, then it is okay to pull your boundaries in (don’t be vulnerable) and apologize in an objective way. Acknowledge your responsibility and the outcomes that resulted from the mistake. You can simply say - I’m sorry about X. I did not mean to hurt you. If they continue to pile on then feel free to protect yourself and ignore them. One way to do this is to spend less time talking to them. Something to note about people that do this a lot. They are usually pretty miserable. They tend to treat others like they treat themselves. That can help you have some empathy for what they might be going through internally.

5. Mistakes teach you hard to learn lessons. Nobody likes failing, but that is how we learn. It is good to embrace the process, because - whether we like it or not - that is how we are wired as humans. The good news is that once you learn from the mistakes you can help other overcome the same challenges. In this way, a mistake is like a gift that rewards you 2x - it teaches you a valuable lesson and it helps you learn how to better help others.

Looking at failure or mistakes in this way requires a shift in thinking. Failure is just information. It isn’t anything to be ashamed of. It teaches you about life and then helps you grow. That is how I see mistakes and failure in my own life, in my family, on our team with our leaders, and in the broader community.

As several great personalities have said, “You never fail until you stop trying” - we must remember that as long as we try to learn from our mistakes, we are not failing but embracing growth.

Any points I am missing above? If yes, then drop them in the comments and I’ll add them in. What has helped you forgive yourself and overcome mistakes? We also have a growth path here that can help. Any and all thoughts are very welcome!