Right Goal, Wrong Path
We make poor choices and mistakes. It’s part of the human experience. Sometimes we can beat ourselves up when it happens. Looking back at these bad decisions, we wonder why we made them. What were we thinking?
It can be helpful to zoom out and to look at the goal or intent as separate from the challenging behavior. Most of the time the goal is a good goal! Here are some examples of right goal, but the wrong path:
Stealing:
Goal = feel secure/safe
Not so good path = taking something that does not belong to them
Substance Use:
Goal = feel confident or comfortable
Not so good path = using too much in a way that hurts self or others
Binge Watching or Doom Scrolling
Goal = feel distracted
Not so good path = burn several hours a day watching shows or reading “news”
Staying in a Harmful Relationship:
Goal = feel loved, cared for
Not so good path = sticking it out and enduring a lot of pain when not a lot of good evidence to support this decision
We are all growing all the time. We can get mad at ourselves when we make decisions that seem less smart. I think it is important to be gracious to ourselves. When we have patience, treat ourselves with kindness and understand that we have the right goal, but can do better on behavior or path, then we don’t get lost in a loop of self-punishment/harm/beating ourselves up. We instead step outside of that loop and allow ourselves to walk to a new place and a new way of doing things.
One way to start this process is to identify the goal of the behavior (what do I really want here? What am I hoping to feel or accomplish?) and then finding other, healthier, ways of making progress towards that goal. These healthy steps might feel uncomfortable at first, especially if we are so accustomed to the unhealthy steps. This happens because our brains tend to like some things that are bad for us, and the predictable more than healthier choices. The good news is that this changes with time and consistency. For example, we might eat pizza all the time, but then start eating salad every so often and over time, our bodies will start to crave salad like it craves pizza (true story!).
The other benefit to being kind to ourselves is that it enables us to also be kind to others. We tend to judge other people as we judge ourselves. Having grace for yourself allows you to then extend that grace to others. And we all know the golden rule: Treat others as you would like to be treated.
Life is a journey. Making mistakes and bad decisions is a core part of the process and it is how we learn. Oftentimes we have the right goals and just need better behavior to get to the destination we envision. It’s okay not to know the answer to the right path to take, either. We can get there one step at a time and we can support each other in the process as well.
Can you recall instances where you had the right goal but chose the wrong path? What advice would you offer a friend in a similar situation?
@GlenM
Thank you for sharing, Glen.
An instance I faced relating to this would be getting on the right path to feeling comfortable getting into a relationship and then ending up in a toxic one.
The advice I would give someone in my situation is to listen to your gut feeling because most of the time it is right. Once you are out of the situation, I found putting myself first and going no-contact (if you are able to) with them to be really helpful. At first, it may seem hard but it gets easier <3
@heathermarie95 such a great example - sometimes we can't see it until we are in it. And love the point about listening to your gut or intuition. Very smart. Do you have any tips on how to better listen to your gut?
@GlenM
im not too sure. im still learning :D
@heathermarie95 Your courage in stepping away from a toxic situation is admirable. It's a reminder that often, the strength lies in walking away and caring for oneself.
@Heather225 words of wisdom! and very good example - I hadn't thought of that before and that makes a lot of sense. I read this post a long time ago about how different social media sites are like relationships with a "person." At the time, *** was like a person that was kind of humble bragging a lot etc. And for me that resonated. I felt icky every time I'd go on.
How do you recommend we become aware of our compass so we can follow it in a clear manner?
@GlenM
Your analogy of sm sites as relationships is 100 percent true, and viewing them like that can really help with determining when to put space between it and your time and especially your boundaries, lest it become toxic.
Becoming aware of your compass to me is an ongoing practice in mindfulness. This requires frequently checking in with yourself, taking cues from your emotions like, “hey this isn’t making me feel very good / i feel anxious. Why?” You’ve got to answer that question clearly and honestly before moving on. The same goes for behaviors. Are there recurring behaviors (ex. like excessive scrolling or comparison to others I mentioned) that show your actions may be deviating from your original goals? When you feel out of control in your emotions, or like you can’t put the device down - those are big indicators that you’re ignoring your compass. Listening to yourself may feel intimidating, and it starts with trust. Give yourself permission to trust yourself and listening becomes second nature.
The compass and intuition are interconnected. I believe by staying attuned to your emotions and habits, you can navigate with purpose.
@Heather225 Your experience with online validation is an Alarming caution in today's digital age. It echoes my belief that real connections, though fewer, are far more enriching than the superficiality of digital likes and comments.
@GlenM I love this Glen! I love the idea that everything a person does has a goal of trying to do something to "better" themselves. I like the example you put of someone using substances to feel more confident, but in reality, it's harmful. Everyone wants to fit in, feel loved, and have a warm place to sleep. 99% of bad goals have good intentions in them and I think we all should remember this because we are all good people at heart. Sometimes I feel as though I can say things that other people can take the wrong way and I don't think before I speak. I deal with stress with humor, but not everyone thinks the same way that I do. It's important to try to remember what I am saying has meaning and try to remember my audience before I share. Great post!
@LittleBirdie30 so glad this resonated with you and great summary! Yes, I sometimes fear that what I might say (or text) comes off the wrong way. A common fear I think. Thanks for sharing!
@LittleBirdie30 Your aspirations to explore and help others are heartwarming. It's a beautiful goal, one that I share deeply. The world is an open book, awaiting our stories to be written with kindness and understanding.
@FeureVox I agree wholeheartedly Vox!! Thank you for your kind words! 🥰
@GlenM
This issue, the relationship of means to ends, of goals to the paths we might take to arrive, is such a rich and relevant one!
Thinking aloud, by free association, reminded me of a lesson from History: that you can't reach a virtuous situation by wicked means.
The historical archetype might be the phase of the French Revolution known as The Reign of Terror (la Terreur), led by Robespierre, who made massive use of the emblematic "Guillotine" with the ultimate purpose of arriving at an egalitarian fully democratic state. But those wicked means put them on a road very divergent, not convergent, to the utopic beautiful mirage they could see on the horizon in their minds. Wicked means would never lead them to a virtuous condition but to the opposite. It happened the same to many utopian movements, particularly after WWI to these days. Wonderful ideals, but things ended badly.
Some of us might have a similarly dark, self-destructive phase in our lives.
The other side of the coin (nearer our concerns with mental health) is that there might be a healthy and noble aspiration behind even the most self-destructive behaviors. There might be a very positive destination in mind, but a terrible mistake on how to get there. So if we rescue the baby when we throw out the dirty bathwater, there might be something of much value that was hidden from view. What motivated us to take the wrong road, might now promote taking a healthy path.
Another take might be an excessive emphasis on achieving goals no matter the means. This might be controversial, but perhaps we have become so perfectionistic that we ruin the simple good things we already have in a vain search for the perfect state of mind, the perfect relationship, social standing, popularity, whatever. I fell into these traps more times than I can confess.
I like how in recent years there has been a shift in popular culture from an exclusive focus on achieving high goals (there are tons of books and inspirational speakers on this), to establishing good daily habits, a healthy mindset, being aware of the present, and balancing our goals with family life and leisure.
We could also translate all this as a shift from achieving 10/10 mental health (however we might define it) measuring our current state against that standard of perfection, to appreciating our daily work on ourselves, developing our own potential (different for each of us), cherishing the good things we have in life and celebrating our daily small victories.
I would advise a friend to cultivate these healthy practices and wise views of things.
I made many mistakes at a time when I was captured by that perfectionistic "success" culture, some leading to total burnout and life breakdowns. Once you have done enough "breakthroughs" in life, is time to slow down and find a fulfilling and sustainable way of living, I think. By the way, "enough" is another great concept to reflect on...
@HealingTalk a wide ranging and very interesting post as usual :). Thank you for sharing! I just went to see Napoleon and the guillotine was the opening scene. Great points on evil means not leading to good ends.
And, I too, am glad that we are moving away from a constant focus on achievement, goals, and perfection. Life is messy. We may not like that it is messy, but it is and if we accept than then we'll have a much more accurate map of how life actually is than how we may want it to be. I think many of us have pushed it too far, experienced deep pain, and then had to learn the wisdom of a more measured pace, learning to value the small things. Most of the time it does seem like less is more.
There is a great old book titled "how to want what you have." I think that is what you are alluding to. A core skill I think for living "the good life".
Thanks again for sharing :)
@GlenM
Thank you for your kind words! I'm glad you found my post interesting.
I completely agree with you that life is messy but we want it to be orderly and predictable. So we might fall into wishful thinking and imagine it is like we like it, and make decisions aiming to goals based on that wrong "map". Assuming things will be some way and when they don't, we feel frustrated and burnt out trying to achieve the impossible.
Accepting how reality really is might help us make better decisions under uncertainty, which typically leads to improving ourselves, building strengths and skills that will help us take full advantage of (or at least less damage from) anything the future might throw at us.
So this increasingly prevailing paradigm of working every day little by little building the sort of capabilities taught in the new 7 Cups Academy's IDG Course, might be the best strategy, I think, that would help us develop our potential, including reasonable goals, in a healthy way.
And enjoy our life as much as possible everyday, not waiting for the "big prize" but, as you say, valuing all the good things we already have. In that respect, "How to Want What You Have" sounds like a great book that, starting from its title (great advice), surely provides useful insights and tips on living a "good life". Thanks for the recommendation!
And thank you for your thought-provoking threads, like this one, that promote us reflecting on the important things in life, something I really appreciate in this world full of distractions, where many silly things compete for our attention.
Your posts ring a bell from time to time, get us for a moment out of distractions, focus us on the things that matter, and this is very very appreciated and welcome! Thank you very much for this!
@HealingTalk Your reflections on history and personal growth speak volumes about the complex dance of means and ends. Your journey from burnout to a balanced life mirrors my path of learning to find joy in the simple and sustainable.
@GlenM my goals are too forgive myself for my past. And to help others. Oh and I want to be a explorer 😁 oneday. When I'm braver 😁
merry Christmas Glen ❤ gives you a giant festive tiny hug ❤
@Tinywhisper11 these are great goals! I share them with you. We are explorers in building a mental health system or perhaps discovering it together. Thanks for being on the adventure with me and Merry Christmas to you too! 🎄 and thank you for the giant festive hug! Sending one back to you too :)
@GlenM
Love this.
Right goal = follow my passion and value for education and academic curiosities
Wrong path = keep forcing myself to go to colleges when I knew my body couldn't handle it
Right goal = skim by financially
Wrong path = keep forcing myself to go to colleges when I knew my body couldn't handle it
For a friend in a similar situation I would say... Take a step back. Take some deep breaths. Know you only have your body. If you die, you will be dead. Stop. Breathe. Reconsider this path. Reconsider your goals. In fact, rename them, frame them differently. Treat yourself kindly. Remind yourself of priorities, along with values.
@TheSunIsUpTheSkyIsBlue
Hi there!
For sure, there are other paths to that noble goal! That might be feasible in your situation.
I have tried with great enjoyment some of these, and can attest that they really work. So I will share some (sorry if this is too long).
If you are passionate about a field of knowledge, you can master it, stay current, be active in its community, and even publish without ever needing to be physically present in a university building.. Some professional services can also be provided from home online, which has become very common recently.
And you can do all of this at your own pace.
There are many university-level courses available online covering almost all fields of knowledge.
Some I know are the ones in Coursera and EdX (literally thousands by hundreds of universities), most of which are free and you can get a certificate by paying a reasonable fee. Others are paid but cheap compared to brick-and-mortar university tuition fees.
Many universities videotape their classes and offer them online for free. Some I know are MIT OpenCourseWare (MIT was the pioneer on this and has a lot of courses), Stanford Online, Open Yale Courses, and the Harvard Extension School.
I have taken courses through Coursera and learned through video courses by MIT, Stanford and Harvard (!!!) and they are top-notch, given by the very best professors and scholars in their fields. Also Khan Academy has great classes in university-level topics.
There is another modality by which you learn online and go to the university only to take exams.
You can buy university-level textbooks in any field very cheap in used-book online bookstores. Textbooks are used for some months and many students sell them after that. You can google which are the best for what you want to learn.
Every discipline nowadays has websites and podcasts where you can stay current on new develpments in the field. You can also participate in discussions in their forums or in the specialized forums in the big forum platforms like Reddit, where there are very active communities for any imaginable topic.
You can publish articles on platforms like Medium or make your own blog. Also your podcast, there are free services that make this very easy and searchable by your potential audience.
Non-fiction books on various topics that have become bestsellers were written by authors who didn't have any university degree on the specific field. Malcolm Gladwell, Timothy Ferris and Bill Bryson come now to my mind, but there are many others. So even writing books is a possibility.
You can also teach by many means, like a website, a blog, a podcast, a YouTube channel, or a Udemy course. On some of these you can charge a fee.
So there are boundless possibilities to master a field of knowledge, stay current, be active in its community, and be productive in the specific field, most for free, and all at your own pace, without having to be physically inside a university building.
@HealingTalk
Thank you for this reply, I really appreciate it. I hope it's okay I copied and pasted what you wrote so I can refer back to it easily.
I think another part of this academic journey for me now, is realizing and accepting that education looks different for everyone. I have felt very pressured my whole life to get liberal arts degrees and accolades from prestigious colleges and universities, from my family putting that pressure on me.
I may not be able to receive the more common accolades that come along with passionate studies at those rigorous colleges. I may never have those feathers or badges in my life, to have a decorated name in a field of study. That is okay. I can keep pursuing academic knowledge and to share what I know and find communities about it in other ways, like you've so graciously written here.
Thank you :)
@TheSunIsUpTheSkyIsBlue Your academic struggles are a poignant reminder that education is not confined to an institution's walls but an expansive, lifelong journey. It's about embracing the different forms this journey can take.
Wow, thank you, Glen. I'm so grateful to be part of this community. 💙
@GlenM
Thank you this piece, so apt
@GlenM
This bit shone out to me
Binge Watching or Doom Scrolling
Goal = feel distracted
Not so good path = burn several hours a day watching shows or reading “news”
I think with the recent world news there is so much doom and gloom and it can be easy to create a negative and depressive decline to our own mental state. I have watched and read the news every day since I used to work at a newspaper, and it was our job. Now, I think after reading your post it makes me realize why I recently stopped, and although at first I felt a bit lost I have noticed that I feel calmer and less worried. The bad state of the world carries on but I am not surrounded by it and I can concentrate on more positive ways to fill my time, and when I can make a difference I do, one step at a time.
Listening - One Step At A Time!
I went to a title loan company to borrow money for me and a friend to go nearly across the country to my daughter’s college graduation. I was very low income and struggled to make those title loan payments. I ended up having my car repossessed then got it back and ended up having my wages garnished. I had the right idea in my heart, but a title loan was really a horrible way to go about it!
@agreeableCherry6688 Your story is a powerful testament to the love for family, even when the means challenge us. It resonates with my experiences of making difficult choices out of love and compassion.