My Recovery Journey

I'm going to be okay. I don't have to get everything right. I'm learning and that's what's important. I don't have to be there for everyone.

but i'm sorry. I tried. I want to be a good friend. Sometimes I say the wrong thing and sometimes I mess up. I'm not always kind and helpful. I'm always a mess. I try my best, but sometimes I'm not enough. I'll keep trying, but I'm sorry if I wasn't a good friend.

I didn't relapse though! At least I've been getting by. I've been doing okay overall. trying to work on myself and be a better person when school reopens. I've wanted to sh again but I didn't do it. I think I'm getting better. Sometimes I still dissociate and feel really weird, but I'm getting better at noticing when I'm feeling particularly awful.

it gets better. it does. I just have to keep going

My family is not big on gifts. As far as I can remember my parents only ever picked out one gift for me, a little stuffed animal when I was seven. My parents ask me if I want anything as a birthday present, but I usually end up receiving some money instead of a gift.

So this year I decided to buy my brother a birthday present. I didn't really know what to get him, but when I saw a nice set of headphones I decided to ask him if he'd like one. That's when the torrent of bad thoughts came.

"stupid, stupid girl" "why the **** are you doing this?" "you're useless" "what the **** is wrong with you?" "why would you waste money on such a thing?" "he's going to be so irritated with you" " shouldn't you know him well enough to know what he likes?" " useless, stupid girl"

Over and over again. All I was doing was trying to get my brother a birthday present. When I look back now it was so silly. Those thoughts made no sense, and they had no ounce of truth in them. Those were the exact thoughts I'd spent years learning to fend off and hold back. Yet, they engulfed me in a matter of seconds. I nearly walked out of the store there and then and decided never to consider something so silly again.

The same thoughts convinced me not to wish my mum a happy birthday, which, frankly, I don't remember ever having done in my life. Twice. Twice they convinced me not to reach out to a friend for reconciliation after a year of pain and tension.

My brother loves his present. Of course he does, I spent half an hour carefully moving back and forth between options and even consulting him. None of the bad things I had imagined actually happened.

This time I won. This time I beat the bad thoughts and I went through with the perfectly normal and sweet thing I had decided to do. I'm learning, and I'm getting there, and that's enough. That's enough for today

It's been some time since I last posted here, which I guess is good news. The urges still come occasionally, but they're not as strong and blinding as they used to be. I haven't hurt myself for about 4 months now, and that's progress.

Sometimes in the shower I still catch a glimpse of the scar that's left from several months ago, but it no longer triggers me. I used to feel deeply ashamed whenever I saw them, or thought about what I did. I knew it was bad, even while I was doing it. But cups has helped me learn to be kinder to myself.

I guess we all make mistakes. Life is full of ups and downs, and we've all done things we regret. I messed up, and I didn't take care of myself. But that's okay. As long as we keep going, we can always try again.

I am so tired.

I'm just so tired. I keep trying, but I can't tell if I'm getting anywhere. I haven't relapsed but I feel like I'm paying for that now because my heart hurts so much. The emotions are too much. I don't know what to do with them. I have no more tears left. I feel like I have no more anger left, even though the resentment simmers. I wish my fear would run out too. I'm so afraid. I'm so lonely. I'm so sad. I don't know what to do. Somehow I have to keep going. I can't let go now. There are people who actually care about me now. Or, rather, I'm starting to see how they've always cared about me.

Even though it has never felt that way, I'll keep trying to remember and convince myself that home is safe. Home is safe. My room is safe. No one will come and hurt me here. My dad hasn't yelled at me for the past year. My mum hasn't tried to guilt me into opening up to her in the past year. The yelling at home isn't as much as it used to be. I've noticed that I've been talking a little more. I've been feeling a little happier these days than last year. Home is safe. They won't hurt me. My parents love me and try to be good parents to me. They haven't been doing very well but they still try. I try.

I still just want everything to be over. It's agony, knowing that too many people care too much about me now for me to have that option. I just have to go on with life. I'm scared that bad things will happen. Am I really safe here? I have to be. I'm safe here. I can't keep living in fear. Things will slowly get better. I have to trust in that.

@honestpanda81

Hello, my wonderful and amazing friend. How have you been?

It's been such a long time since we last talked and the first thing I want to tell you is that I miss you a lot. Did you know that you're one of the sweetest and caring persons I've ever met? You're a blessing in my life and I'll always be thankful for that. You're my friend, my lifemate, my grace.

I hope things are going fine for you, but if they aren't, I want to remember that you're such an strong and unstoppable girl, and it is ok to take a rest sometimes to regaing your strength to walk again. And you're not alone.

I love you, my Pandita. I love you so much and I wanted to tell you that I've progressed so much, and it is all thanks to you.

I love you 💗💗

I am in so much pain, and not enough pain. My heart and soul heart so much I wish I could just melt into the ground and disappear forever. It blood a little this time. I hadn't done it in 6 months and I overestimated the amount of force I needed. I got that pair of scissors because I wanted to learn to associate scissors with normal everyday life, but I've done it again. Maybe I should get rid of them.

The cuts don't hurt anymore. I wish they did. They hurt for a lot longer this time, and really stung when I went to wash up. That's the first time that's happened. I miss the physical pain already. It's funny, when it was hurting I wanted it to end, and now that it's stopped I want to keep going.

I can't do this. I wanted to badly to scream today. I wanted to yell out my secret and tell my truth. I wanted to show them who I really was and let them understand the real me. But I couldn't, because they made it so clear that they wouldn't accept me for who I am. I would have lost everyone.

I hate myself. I wish I didn't feel this way. I hate the way that I am. I feel so dirty and disgusting. Would they be right to be ashamed of me? I held off from cutting for so long, and what for? I've fallen back here once again. Stupid, so stupid. So so so so stupid. Please make it stop, it hurts so much, and it doesn't hurt enough