Hello (my life is a trigger warning)
I have been through a lot in my life and from the very beginning my emotions were always a bad thing. I am middle aged and do everything in my power to not cry because I fear what happened to me when I cried as a child. I have never been able to deal with things properly and I believe that is a big underlying root cause of my self-harm.
'It' is something that I have lived with since I was quite young in a lot of different forms but recently I have gotten my life on a track leading in the right direction and I know that I need to learn different ways to cope with my life stressors if I am to be successful in any of my relationships to include those of my children. Also recently, my self-harm has taken on a more aggressive form that scares me. I was careless and someone close to me found out what I was doing. She had a really bad reaction and I am afraid to self-harm because of it. I want to find another release, something that gives me the same feeling as self-harm but the thought of not being able or allowing myself to hurt myself gives me anxiety and I have panic attacks more often.
Currently I have refrained for 12 days, but I can feel the storm building. It is right beneath the surface like a thunderstorm right before the first release of crash lightening. I crave it, but I know I will regret my actions afterward and I will panic at the thought of being caught. My thoughts and actions scare me and it is a horrible thing to not be able to trust yourself.
I am hoping by coming here I can gain courage to get even more help in the near future. I am scared of therapy and more people knowing my story. But I think it might be the only way to learn better ways to cope and deal with life. I need to teach my children healthy ways to live their lives through example. That is my goal at least. I can type that with confidence but when I think about the steps to get there I want to break down I break my streak and throw caution of being caught to the wind.
Thank you for listening.
-Myst
@Mystrife Hi I was not familiar with self harm. But I was moved by your story and read an article on self harm under self help guides on 7cups. It was a good article and I hope that it could be helpful for you.It is understandable that you want to provide a good role model for your children. I hope that you are able to get the help and support that you need
13 days. This storm inside is starting to get painful. It is growing too big for its dwelling. Last time it came out in a carved word that will be a constant reminder of how I felt in that very moment. Sometimes storms come through and seem ominous but it doesn't even rain, other times they are maelstroms that cause destruction in its wake. I wonder what storm I am facing this time. I know whatever comes I can handle it because I always do, but rebuilding after the big storms always takes its toll...
16 days. This weekend was beyond trying. This morning has been just as hard. The world thinks all is well, as is the norm. I am doing everything right. I have stood up for myself this weekend even though it has torn my internal will to shreds and I feel like I have nothing holding me together but this fake mask of bravery. The mask takes so much effort. I can feel the urge to remove the guise and be real, bleed real, feel real. What about 17, 18, 25, 30? Why do those numbers not have more weight? Why is 16 acceptable right now? Next time I can make it to 17, right? Next time, why is always next time...
1 day. I tried. I was weak. I feel like I failed something. I failed myself. I failed my family. I failed some test that has been given. I don't know what I get when I pass, but when I fail I get anguish. I get self-hatred. I still have my mask. All is still right with the my world. I am still able to hide my shredded self from the outside onlookers. I get to start my next time count now. I wonder if I should start a count of how many times I have had to reset my counter. I have hope but I'm not sure why. Hope hasn't worked very well lately. Faith? How can you have faith when you fail every chance you are given. I was told that as long as I'm trying I am moving in the right direction. If I continue to move backwards even though I am facing forward isnt that still the wrong direction?
@Mystrife
Hi Myst. I hear your pain and I am here with you. I was moved by your posts. And I was also impressed by your level of awareness. You may not be able to see this, but you are doing a great job.
Relapse is part ot the recovery process, which never occurs in an upward, linear fashion. There are always steps backwards as well as step forwards. I want to share a picture with you that I hope can make you smile or at least help you to see things from a different perspective...
The number of times you fail, as you say, is also the number of times you show the strenght to get up again and keep moving forward...
I am here for you
Thank you. I want to see the good job at some point. I know there are some times when I have successes. I try to think of the song by Christina Perri Tiny Victories. One day the tiny victories will be just the way I live my life and I will have to find other things to succeed at.
I like the picture, thank you. It does make me smile because even without being in the recovery process, that is a representation of me. I cant walk a straight line for anything. If there is something to run into, I will find it.
I want to keep getting up and moving forward, and I will because I always do. But sometimes I just need to fall and be down a while, I am tired and I dont want to be strong… just for a little…
2 days.
@Mystrife
It is ok to fall and stay down for a while. Strenght too needs a rest.
7 days.
My storm is back. My head is in a vise, my insides are in knots, my muscles are tense. I close my eyes and can see the action, the marking, the pain. It's almost tangible, but not quite.
I am being bombarded from all directions with needs from everyone I know. No one will look at me and see me. They won't see that I am struggling. They are all selfish in what they want and need. I just need to sleep. I am so tired. I have to be strong and take care of them and their needs. If I can't I will ruin the last relationships I have left. How many last straws will my back take before I end up incapable of dealing with my stresses and stressors? I am not sure what else I can take on, but I know I have to. I have to grin and bear it, I have to get up and move on, I have to be strong for "them". Who am I to say my needs are more important than theirs? I just really want to sleep.
@Mystrife
Hi there. I hear you. You really sound so tired and in need of a break… I know it is difficult, but please try to remember that the first person towards which you have obligations is yourself… Self-care is a priority and a necessity. It doesnt make you selfish and no real relationships can get ruined because of this… You say you have to be strong for them, but it makes me wonder... can they not be strong for you too? Your needs are as important as those of anybody else… You mentioned sleep. What else do you think you need right now? Can you identify them?
@Mystrife
Hi there. Just wanted to check up on you and see how you are feeling today... I hope you managed to get some sleep and put up some boundaries. No pressure to reply :)
@admaiorasemper
Hi. Thanks for checking in. I am feeling extremely overwhelmed. I have a lot of stressors right now and I feel like if one more thing happens then I know I will be incapable of functioning but each day there is something else. I am trying to take care of myself first, but when you have been brought up to understand yourself as being lower than everyone else then it is hard to change. I am also trying to have a positive outlook and tell myself that tomorrow will be a better day, however, everyday is the same or worse as the one before. How long do I have to keep enduring each bad day before I get some reprieve? My hope for good things to come is fading.
Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since the last relapse. I don't know if you can even call them relapses if its just an ongoing thing now. Isn't a relapse a setback on the road to recovery? I feel like I'm on some road and it's not necessarily going to lead me to recovery, but hopefully to survival...
@Mystrife
It feels very important recognising, just as you are doing, that you have been brought up in seeing yourself as lower than everyone else. This is a belief that has been forced upon you. Beliefs do not necessary speak truth, and this one certainly doesn
22 Days.
I am tired. I want to gain control of my life and circumstances. I want to feel in control of something. I feel so lost that it hurts. I feel like there are weights attached to my limbs and a vise on my heart and head. I feel like I'm drowning and my lungs are incapable of taking in air required to breathe normal. It is hard to concentrate on tasks or people around me. The urges are getting harder to ignore, and trying to grasp at the reasons to fight the urges is starting to feel like catching smoke in a net, impossible and pointless. I will keep moving forward for my kids, but each step gets harder, heavier, more painful, and less steady...
@Mystrife
You have no idea how much your drowing metaphor resonates with me.
There is something we can have control of. Our behaviour, our words, our efforts and our actions. It is a lot and it is actually all we need. Circumstances do no fall into those categories, and so is anything that is down to other people. When confronted to this, we have a choice... We can feel upset, angry, disappointed, sad, defeated and scared. Or we can feel relieved. Because if we cannot control those things, it also means that we are not responsible for them. We are free from them... and we can spend our time focusing on those things we can change, should we want to.
*hugs*