I don't feel valid, even after 2+ years clean
Hi, first of all, this is my very first post and I hope I'm not doing anything wrong. Also, I'm not a native English speaker, so please excuse any weird punctuation or grammar.
I'm currently clean from SH since over 800 days (which I am proud of), but even after so long I keep getting thoughts like "It never was valid" and "I have to relapse to deserve recovery". I made a lot of progress in recovery, but whenever I'm reminded that other people had to go to a hospital, have scars or used actual blades I feel like I'm not valid. I did SH for a long time and started quite early, but it was never dangerous or anything (Idk if details could be triggering or are even allowed). I also never really did it daily, so it feels strange that I’m not over it by now.
It's not like I'm just clean, I did tons of work on me and my past, have a great therapist and ways to cope, but these thoughts and feelings just won't leave. I can’t seem to be able to move on. I feel like I have to prove myself that it was bad enough and I deserve to get better, and I don’t know how to deal with that or if anyone else still struggles like this after so much time.
@ShyPine235
Congratulations on your recovery ...
Recovery is not comparative and I hope you will see you are lucky it did not become so bad as others had it. YOU deserve to feel good about your progress not compared to someone else.
I think of any recovery one persons rock bottom to seek help is not even close to someone else and that is OK.
@toughTiger6481
Thank you. I know it's got I didn't get worse, it just doesn't feel like it. I think I just want my struggles to be seen by people without me having to explain and reason about every little detail until they believe me. I had too many people dismissing my trauma and illnesses without even listening, just because I "didn't look/act ill". But I guess understanding where these thoughts come from already is a good first step. (Right?)
@ShyPine235
Any illness or situation that is not clearly visible is a struggle. I understand that and it is not your job to make anyone believe your pain or SH.
It is a good step to know you have these feelings. i wish you continued success and do not let others bother you.