I just hurt myself for the first time
I cut myself for the first time yesterday. I used a mechanical pencil then used a pencil sharpener blade. It felt really good and made me feel much better. Is that a bad thing? I'm cleaning the cuts and blade and staying away from veins and arteries, so is it an actual issue?
-Evelyn
@runningfromtime
The actual issue is that the act self-destructive, and while it felt good the first time it still isn't a good way to deal with stress or other negative emotions. I'm speaking from personal experience. A few months ago I'd begun to self-harm because of stress, and I'd noticed that as I grew more and more upset, I'd go to greater lengths to feel the same level of control.
You could try talking to a friend about how you're feeling. When I got started with safe alternatives to self-harm I liked to draw on myself so I was less likely to ruin the drawings with fresh cuts. I eventually moved on to drawing single lines in red ink and that would get my mind off of actually cutting because I'd look down and see the red line and think, "I don't need to cut, I just drew that line."
@integrityblues
I have a friend to talk too. I'm aware of the harmful nature of it, but it is hard to focus on the facts and not the feeling that it induces. I really hate myself for doing this but at the same time it is something in my life that I finally have control ove
@runningfromtime
I understand that, too. I'd cut to release stress and feel more control. So instead of cutting to feel that control, I would redirect it. I'd control the urge to cut with the ideas I mentioned before. Or I'd force myself to do something else. I'd go for a walk, do chores or errands, cook, whatever, just so long as it got my mind off of actually doing the self-harm.
@integrityblues
I did try that yesterday. I had a pretty bad day but instead I got up and did laundry and dishes. I texted a friend too, which helped. I'm really trying to find more constructive ways to release stress. I do read and I enjoy writing. It's all a matter of what works in the moment and will continue to work
@runningfromtime
I'm glad that you're finding creative ways to get through the stress! Writing and reading are two of my favorites!
@integrityblues
I won the school writing contest and scored highest on the AP English final, so I know I can turn to a strength. The only problem with my writing is I always tell myself that it could be better. If I just reworded this line or added a paragraph here then it would be perfect. Despite being 5th in my class, I always feel like I could do more. That I could be better. That I'm not working hard enough and that's why I have a A- in Honors Chemistry. I'm trapped in this destructive cycle of never good enough
@runningfromtime
I get it. I hate it when people tell me that I've got to stop being so hard on myself, so I won't try and tell you that. I think its great that you've done so well in English! I personally can't even imagine taking any level of Chemistry, let alone Honors!
@integrityblues
Thanks. I get so tired of people telling me to stop being hard on myself. Don't they think I have tried. My never good enough feeling stems from being really smart and really ignored. My brother got worse grades than me but was praised when he got a B- on a test. I would get an A and I would get an "Oh, that's nice"
@runningfromtime
Maybe your parents thought that your brother needed extra encouragement? Have you thought about talking to your parents about how that made you feel, and maybe how it relates to some of your problems now?
@runningfromtime
Like i said before,
do not ever hurt yourself to solve a problem. I don't care what it is or what's going on you have to fix that problem within yourself you may can not exactly change your feelings but change you within. Sometimes we go through a lot but right in the middle of the darkness we go through, the answer is right in front of you, and it is too dark and you cant see it. But, take a second and look at everything dark and somewhere in that there might be a light to were you can look and say this is what I need to do and why Im feeling this way. Think in that dark moment there is a light somewhere in it and youre going to find it, stay there until you fight it through, its going to come to you. Whatever is making you feel this way fix it take the time to make a daily routine or find some type of music to make you feel better and support you on the way. Because it's never your place to say when you're going to leave this earth.
@runningfromtime
I wouldn't know if it were an issue...I would have liked to ask you a few questions...
I hope you are all right.
@runningfromtime
Just because you're not trying to kill yourself, doesn't meant it's not an issue. It is an issue. A big one.
And I understand that it felt good.
Because asking you to stop would be hypocritical, all I can do is wish you all the best and hope you can work through whatever it is that is hurting you to this extent.
