A few new marks... (tw)
Ive only actively self harmed four times. I marked down the dates. It had been 21 days since I last did it. It had been on my mind for a few days... Id found ways to ignore or control it... but the urge was very strong.
I ended up having a conversation with a friend that sort of went south on me. Essentially, I opened up a lot of repressed self-hatred and I couldnt control it. The friend is someone I only know online so they couldnt physically be with me to help, but they helped talk me out of it.
I ended up scratching my forearm, shoulder, and thigh enough that there were marks still there many hours later when I went to bed. The marks on my shoulder are still very obvious.
Scratching is the first self harm I engaged in, but it took a long time for me to recognize it as that. The last few episodes though, the ones I recorded the dates of, were all with a blade.
That evening before bed... I dont know what got into me... but in addition to the rather deep scratches I added a few small cuts...
Ive been really depressed lately so Im not terribly surprised this happened. However, Im also not sure Im actually feeling remorse over it yet... I probably ought to, but Im somewhat enjoying the marks...
@viciimperium
Hi vici! First of all I want to say that 21 days is a very good thing, you should be proud of yourself no matter what.
You did very well in reaching out to a friend and talking about your emotions and feelings, even if it felt overwhelming in the end. You say you were able to connect with your self-hatred, and that's when you began scratching. Am I right? It sounds as if sh is a mean of punishment to you, and a release of this self-hatred. I think being able to reflect on your emotions, as you are doing, is a great thing. As you say, your self-hatred was repressed. It has to come out and be processed, just as you have started to do!
@admaiorasemper
Thank you for your support and encouragement. I really appreciate it.
So yeah, punishment I think is definitely the purpose for the scratching. Perhaps grounding in a way too cause I typically do it only when I start to get really upset. But we were discussing relationships which always makes me sad because Im 19 and have never had one and dont really have much as far as friends either. But idk... somewhere in there I started contemplating self worth and I remembering feeling a very pure self hatred. It was so intense...
The blade is different I think. Its a bit more of an excitement thing... its for the thrill of it all... overcoming the natural resistance, see the marks, feeling the sting... its exciting in a very nasty sorta way. I think Im especially susceptible to it when depressed which Ive been for a little while. Start getting numb so the thrill sounds better and better...
@viciimperium
It makes sense to me that you would resort to self-harm in order to ground yourself. The sharp pain that we feel can make us reconnect with the present moment when emotions become too overwhelming.
I would like to share with you a proper grounding exercise that my therapist suggested to me. Maybe you will find it useful... Basically, you simply need to sit in a chair and feel your weight against it, your feet flat on the ground, back straight. Focus on your breath: the coolness of the air coming in through your nose and the warmth of the air of your lungs leaving your mouth. Use this time to focus on what is going on in your body, where you feel tension, casting the light of your focus onto it and giving this time to grow and speak to you. Do not get discouraged if it doesn't work right away...
Hope this helps. Be gentle with yourself.
Can wearing leggings help me not want to cut? I wear leggings at night so I can't get to where I usually cut, but it's not effective long term