Self-Criticism
Hey everyone and happy Thursday! I hope everyone has been having a great week so far. I've gotten a lot of good news this week and have gotten the chance to strengthen a lot of my friendships. All of my projects are going well too and I'm really excited to start new ones. I've also had the time to learn a lot more about healthy relationships lately! I hope you all are doing well.
We recently got a suggestion to talk a bit about self-criticism! I don't know who suggested this topic, but thank you in advance for suggesting it and everyone is welcome to suggest more pieces in the future.
Self-criticism in my opinion is incredibly related to self-harm and the self-harm recovery journey. I see it appear when we self-criticize ourselves for small mistakes that we might have made (and sometimes, unfortunately, it's not even our mistakes) or self-criticize if we relapse. Self-criticism is also really prevalent in other mental health journeys as well. I think we, as humans, often are too harsh on ourselves. The recent years have also made self-criticism (the unhealthy kind) a "popular" thing to do as well, which is something I myself have (unfortunately) taken part of.
Where does self-criticism stem from?
I think a great step to stopping self-criticism is figuring out where it's coming from! This can be done by asking ourselves some really tough questions. Like, why am I being so harsh on myself about this one particular issue? Have I been overly harsh on myself about this issue in the past? Is me being self-criticizing a re-occurring cycle? How does it make me feel?
After asking ourselves questions like these and honestly coming to terms with why we are too harsh with ourselves, we have to understand what is true and what isn't true. For example, I'm really harsh on my intellectual ability and I often call myself or deem myself as "dumb" for extremely minor mistakes or bad test scores. When this turns into actual self-criticism, I can ask myself these questions and figure out whether it's true if I'm "dumb" or not. Taking the joke of it aside, I know that I'm not actually dumb and that I can learn to grow instead of over-criticizing myself with no real intention of learning. Realizing what is true and not true is really important.
A mini step that we all have to take too is to accept some truths to our self-criticism. In another world where I'm criticizing my work habits instead of my intelligence, I might have to come to terms with the fact that I don't have the best work habits and vow to be better at them.
What are things we can do to stop over criticizing ourselves?
After understanding and accepting where our self-criticism derives from, this is when the actual work begins. This can be done in a lot of different ways, but I think one of the first steps to this is gentling our language. Our language that we use to talk to ourselves is important to how we view ourselves and how we view the world. When we use overly harsh words that are about true things that we can improve on, that might hinder our growth. We might have to change that language into phrases or reminders that promote growth instead.
Hypothetically, if it is true that I do have to work on coping better with whatever I'm going through, I can switch my language I use with myself from "I'm going through so much right now and I'll never be able to cope" towards "I'm going through a lot right now and although it's hard to cope, I'm trying my best."
But for things that aren't actually true, we need to creatively find ways to stop reminding ourselves these things. Otherwise, it can be really damaging for our mental health and is just flat our incorrect. The language we use to put ourselves down can actually affect how we might also push others down, which isn't good.
In an example where I'm in a recovery journey and I keep telling myself "I don't deserve help or good things", I'm actively putting myself down and telling myself that I don't deserve anything good. After some deliberation as to why I feel this way (asking questions from above), I (and all of you too!) should safely come to terms with the fact that everyone deserves help and everyone deserves good things to happen to them. This is a universally agreed upon fact that I can later use to remind myself whenever I tell myself harmful and unhelp things. Another great way to do this is to share with a friend or a loved one about how you criticize yourself too often and ask them to hold you accountable for it. I've done this with friends, and they're always more than happy to give me a gentle reminder to not say hurtful things to myself whenever I accidentally do.
Discussion questions:
1) Are you overly harsh on yourself for things? Do you self-criticize often? Why so?
2) What are some things that you are harsh on yourself for and how can you improve the way you speak to yourself?
3) Name me the closest object next to you and tell me what's special about it! (Example: my favorite black pen is next to me and it's special to me because it writes very smoothly.)
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@TheAtticusFinch
Hey there :) I'm glad to hear that things are going well for you :) Hope that it continues like that :)
This is a very interesting post. I don't know about others but I've never really talked about self-criticizing with anyone. I'll talk about some topics that I'm having issues with, but I never actually talked about self-criticizing. So it's a good idea to bring up the topic. Thank you anonymous person who asked for it :)
1) Are you overly harsh on yourself for things? Do you self-criticize often? Why so? Hum I think I am though I don't know if I am. I'm simultaneously hard and 'soft' with myself (if this makes any sense). I do self-criticize pretty often, to be honest most of time I don't realize that I'm doing it. But on days when I'm really down, all the criticizing goes out the window.
2) What are some things that you are harsh on yourself for and how can you improve the way you speak to yourself? I'm harsh on not being as independant than I should be, for wanting too much attention. I also think that I'm not that good at my job and that generally people think I'm boring. What helps me is talking it out with people. For example, for my job, I talked about it with one of my coworkers and she said that sometimes she felt the same but that it's not that we suck at what we do, it's that we haven't got the right conditions to do a good job. You know, it's just trying to put things back into their context. That's what works the best for me.
3) Name me the closest object next to you and tell me what's special about it! Oooh it's my JBL speaker. That thing follows me everywhere, I balance my phone on it and carry it around my flat when I'm listening to music, it comes in the bathroom when I shower and it even comes in the car with me when I have a long trip :)
Thanks for the post, take care <3
@Slizzy564
Hey Slizzy!! I feel like we haven't chatted in a while :o How are you doing and I missed your replies! Thanks for replying below. I had to make a few forum posts this week and my replies are a bit behind schedule! <3 Awh, yeah same it's not a topic I have really dealt with often until I started talking about it in therapy fairly recently too. I think I get where you're coming from. Being hard on ourselves is almost an unconscious thing, so it's not your fault if it's hard to decipher whether or not you're too hard on yourself. I can relate though, once I'm feeling sad I'll go down a rabbit hole of why I suck :( bad bad bad! Wanting attention is a toughie, I believe you and understand where you're coming from. I think the whole frameworking of "wanting attention" might be a bit true in the sense that we all want attention as human beings and well all deserve attention. Being independent is one thing but being able to reach out for help is also a thing too and they aren't mutually exclusive to each other! :) I'm glad that you're able to confide in your co-worker about your job and being scared of being boring shows that you're alert (maybe a bit too alert) about how others perceive you. I hope you get to talk it out more! That works for me too. Woah, I've never met anyone who carries around a speaker actually, so that's super cool! I feel like I do the same, except it's with my airpods xD I always have a podcast, book, or music on. :) Thanks for replying today Slizzy, as always. <3
@TheAtticusFinch
I know, I haven't been on the forums as much over the week. I've had a busy week so I'm making the most of my weekend :) Replies behind schedule are fine with me, no worries <3
I feel like self-criticism has a bit of a snowball effect, starts off small but can soon become huge x)
Even though we all deserve attention, it's hard finding the good sort of attention you know ? Not too much, just the right amount and with the right people. A healthy type of attention.
I know but I tend to think that being independent means doing everything on my own. I know that it's not true but my brain doesn't want to understand x)
Oh I'm definitely too aware of how others perceive me. Or more like I let it affect me too much. Being truly myself is hard to work on at the moment ...
Haha I always have music on too :) Just that I share mine with everyone (like it or not ;) ). Mind you it's mainly just me and my cat x) What sort of podcasts do you listen to ? :)
@Slizzy564
Slizzy!! It's been a while since I've gotten to my forum replies and I'm glad I'm getting to this one first. I haven't been on the forums either do to some personal mental health stuff and am about to be really busy. Self-criticism is definitely a bit of a snowball effect and can be a small habit that turns into a really harmful one for sure. Hey hey, totally not your fault that your brain convinces you that independence means doing everything on your own. The definition of independence varies and the healthy definition of it is up to you to decide <3 Hmm I listen to mostly educational, philosophical, and political podcasts but I really need to get back into the more fandom-based ones that I used to listen to! :D
@TheAtticusFinch
Aww thanks that's sweet of you :) I'm sorry to hear that things have be hard lately. I hope you don't get too busy, don't forget to take some time for yourself <3 You know I'm starting to think that my brain has a mind of it's own, just making up random stuff ! I'll get bacl to you when I've found my definition of independence ;) Ooh sounds brainy ! I like more of the entertaining ones :)
@TheAtticusFinch
Hi
1) Are you overly harsh on yourself for things? Do you self-criticize often? Why so?
Yes to both I'm trying to stop though. I overthink about stuff I do and pick out things I could of done better and I critize alot especially about my appearance but I'm working on it.
2) What are some things that you are harsh on yourself for and how can you improve the way you speak to yourself?
My appearance and weight, I'm actually not ugly so I need to be nicer to myself and I'm working on improving my weight so I think that will help alot!
3) Name me the closest object next to you and tell me what's special about it! (Example: my favorite black pen is next to me and it's special to me because it writes very smoothly.)
My dog's toy he loves it even though it's a torn up mcdonalds toy but he cherishes it because it's from my parents house in the united states. 
I hope you have a wonderful day!
@itidc
Hey there :)
Overthinking leads to many (most of time negative for me) thoughts. I can totally relate to overthinking stuff and picking out all the things that could have been done differently. I don't know about you but when I go to bed my brain just doesn't want to be quiet ... Appearance can be a tricky topic. Though I'm glad to hear that you're working on it ;) Of course you're not ugly. But sadly sometimes we are harsher with ourselves than with others ! Keep up the good work and I'm sure you'll sort out your weight. As long as you're healthy that's all that matters in the end :)
What kind of dog do you have ? :) I find it adorable that animals, just like us, have their favorite toys, blankets, places to sleep etc.
@itidc
Hi there itdc! :) I'm glad to hear that you're working on all of those things you self-criticize yourself on. Those are, admittedly, really tough things that I think we all face and it's valid that you overthink. I hope you get to improve on how you look at yourself in a healthy way, and for sure you aren't ugly (no one is). I can really relate though! About a year ago, I was also hypersensitive about my weight and my appearance and I promise it gets better over time. Awh, I love that your doggo is attached to a McDonald's toy, that's adorable! :) Thanks for sharing today itdc. :)
@TheAtticusFinch
Hi
They're super tough and thank you. I can't wait for that I'm still in the obese caegory but I have lost 30 pounds but since quarantine I gained almost 10 and I'm trying to stay on track.
I just bought him a rope toy and he loves it too! Thanks for reading and replying!
@itidc
Hi there itdc! :) I'm glad to hear that you're working on all of those things you self-criticize yourself on. Those are, admittedly, really tough things that I think we all face and it's valid that you overthink. I hope you get to improve on how you look at yourself in a healthy way, and for sure you aren't ugly (no one is). I can really relate though! About a year ago, I was also hypersensitive about my weight and my appearance and I promise it gets better over time. Awh, I love that your doggo is attached to a McDonald's toy, that's adorable! :) Thanks for sharing today itdc. :)