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itidc
2,243 M Hopeful Heart 3
PathStep 105 Compassion hearts54 Forum posts154 Forum upvotes203 Current upvotes203 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2021 Member sinceJuly 28, 2016
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Idk if this is abuse or me over reacting (TW: Self h*arm s*icide abuse s*xual assualt)
Trauma Support / by itidc
Last post
 July 24th, 2020
...See more When I was younger I was m*lested by my cousin at a young age and I thought it was normal. It only happened once but it still affects me to this day. I didn't trust any guy with an afro for the longest time and now I can't form proper relationships with men in general. I have a husband but I mean as for friends and family I grew up and thought it was normal to crush on your family members. I don't know where the line is with guys who are friends so I distance myself, yes I know what not to do and what to do but it's like I'm scared they're hurt me so I pull away. Growing up I felt like an outcast honestly and I was told my dad is my step dad and my sisters are my half siblings. I was a problematic kid for a long time and got into huge arguments with my stepdad he'd scream at me and when I tried to get away he'd follow me into the bedroom. He'd constantly put me in tears and if I didn't answer him he'd manipulate me into answering him. He never did it with my other siblings only me. My mom has hit me with rulers, switches and her hand and my dad used his hand and a belt once. The belt honestly traumatized me. I've seen alot of stuff I shouldn't have. My dad taking a g*n and going outside I think to use it on himself after an argument and I also saw him break a dogs back by stomping on it and dragging it across the yard because it killed my cat. He then shot it and dumped the body and that will always stay with me the screams of the dog in pain. It was even worse because my cat had just died in my arms. I know this is abuse. I think this is abuse I don't know. I turned 18 and got a job my mom took over half my paycheck so I got fired and didn't get another job what was the point I barely had any money for me. Well I got close with out neighbor because my mom was hanging out with someone else my mom and the neighbor were close and so were me and my mom. She started working the nightshift and sleeping all the time but only got up to go to her friends house. She got jealous that me and the neighbor were close and made me a curfew first one I've ever had and I was 19. She said she was having a m*ental breakdown the same time I was. All that happened was she slept all the time and went to her friends. Which I now know why she's been on p*lls my whole life. She'd manipulate me and make me feel so bad when i tried to tell her how I felt and gaslighted me and made me feel crazy. I was s*icidal and they were pushing me away I felt like my whole family was falling apart. I tried to fix it and hang out with my mom but I stopped trying once she chose the friend over me so many times. I had panic attacks everyday and I knew I was either going to h*rt myself or move far far away so I choose the latter. Now my whole familys jealous of her because I spent ly last 2 weeks with her though I gave them a 6 month warning I was leaving but they didn't believe me. I try to talk to my friend about things but she has enough of the drama and last time wrote a post on facebook about my mom and my mom found out. We have such a strained relationship now me and my whole family and I'm about done honestly. Everytime my dad yells at me I go into instant fight mode so he called me over the phone and said I was a f*ck up and I ended up s*lf harming. They don't know and I don't plan on telling them. He was like "What did we do to you that's so bad I think we gave you a pretty good life." They don't hear me no matter what and to make it worse I can't tell my friend anything. They said it stays in our family but they literally told my aunt so they can run their mouths but I can't. I got money owed to me the past 2 years on my birthday, one of my YOUNG sisters got her tongue pierced and now she has a truck this year though she's not old enough to get her license. They act like a perfect family since I'm gone I feel like the black sheep they're trying to push me out so they can play the victim and say aww my daughter left us. (They always play the victim) I just feel like I'm the only one trying and what's the point. But that's about it I think it's abuse but idk.
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