self harm feels surreal (relatable?)
Like I was just standing in my shower, blood everywhere, holding my arm up because it felt like 'Oh, ***, this is it. I need to go get stitches again. And what if I pass out on the way to the hospital?'
But, then the bleeding eventually stopped and I will go to work tomorrow like everyone else, like nothing even happened- despite all the scars and scabs under my clothes, I just smile and carry on.
Like I'm looking for a dramatic moment of change, for it to be 'bad enough' for someone to tell me it's okay to take a break, that I don't have to keep living like this. But even after I spill so much blood again and again, I still carry on and on and on.
The self harm is the only way I can tell myself that my feelings are real and yes I am in fact suffering badly even if no one acknowledges it, not even myself.
I have daydreams about fainting or breaking down at work, but I never do. I want to curl up in someone's lap and have them take care of me.
The contrast between the horrors of my personal life and the persona I adopt at work is insane. It's absurd. It's surreal.
Does anyone relate?
@determinedSea4370
I feel your deep emotional suffering in every sentence you write. Especially when I imagine the things you describe as your favourite vision of future are not the everyday things around you now.
I don't know why, but reading your story reminded my a book I read several years ago. It was about an airline captain who saved his plane and passengers during a crash, flying while under influence. At the end it turned out he just needed to fly for a small agricultural plane company, staying sober and being with a lady he loved...
Maybe it is some kind relatable to you, a teacher (?) pressed upon by a constant flood of requirements, regulations and fear of not being good enough, but inside carrying a sweet and delicate soul of a writer, shouting for letting her out?...
@jacek73 That sounds like a great story! Thank you for the suggestion, I will try to track the title down.
@determinedSea4370
Your words take my memories back to when I was in crisis (trigger warning) cutting when ever given an opportunity (I was in prison and was just told that my daughter took her own life)
I feel your words are much more than attempts to let some of the trauma out. Fast forward 10 years, now I've been seeing 2 therapists, taken my meds, and helping out on 7cups. This started by reaching out Great Job! Give yourself credit because I can tell you the support from 7cups members is best because many of us lived it and had to work on understanding and loving ourselves enough to learn how to take the next step which is to learn how to advocate for yourself, and to do it because your beginning to focus on finally finding solutions, and like me, I had to learn to get out of my own way. We learn to get to know ourselves and then our emotions can no longer control us, we learned how to control our emotions. One day I drew a red heart ❤️ on my wrist and vowed to fight back by learning all about my own mental health. You've got this!! Tag me any time. Stay busy with positive hobbies like drawing and writing poems or raps. See my poem called perception in my profile.
Blessings, Day