conversation with my therapist (+ a question)
so my therapist knows i sh, but she doesn't know all the details - she knows my parents found out, but doesn't know how it went down. i've been able to talk to her about some of it easily, but talking about what triggers me or how i've been ridiculed for it is just too hard to do right now.
the last time i saw her, on tuesday, she asked if i would be comfortable showing her my scars. i said no. she said we would work up to that, which to me would be incredibly unhelpful. i don't want her to see. if i knew she was going to see them, i would probably want to sh more so that it looked more "serious" (yes, i know the severity of sh isn't correlated to how much a person is struggling.. but still). currently they're pretty faded because i haven't self harmed much lately. it just seems so unnecessary and like it might actually exacerbate the problem.
the other thing was that she was talking about it, and how we would work up to more scary/hard to talk about things that have to do with my sh and stuff, and eventually work on stopping. when she said that it kinda triggered me and i started crying but i couldn't tell her what was wrong. the idea of stopping scared me so much. sure, i haven't been doing it much lately, but i need to know that it's something i can go to when i need it. i know i can say no to showing her my scars, but it's not like i can tell her "no, i don't want to stop." idk. maybe i can. i doubt she would say "okay that's fine" to that though.
this is unrelated, but is it worth it to tell teachers about your mental health issues? like, would they be more lenient? do they have to be? would i have to have a diagnosis? depression and anxiety have really really affected my ability to do schoolwork and get help for it, and my grades are not looking good right now. this is kinda my only hope to not fail this semester.
@pw123,
I totally relate to you. I love.my therapist. But getting into scary topics is terrifying for me too. I feel like someone shoved their hand in my torso and started stroking my organs while a therapist sits there observing and then asks me, "now, how does that make you feel?" . It good in long run , but at that exact moment I wish the the ground will break and swallow me. Embarrassment, guilt , triggers, flashback, un wanted -shame . Its too much. Hearing myself say out all those hurtful memories is partially like see it all happening again . So me and my therapist sometimes use chats to talk to each. We both will be in the same room but I will just hide behind a glass screen there while we share such things. I know , it's not the best way, not ideal, but plainly can't do it anyother way. So this is what we do. I d k if this can work for you, just telling you this is one way some of us do it , that's all. You are an expert on your preferences, you are in control
@pw123,
The very first time when my therapist told we can EVENTUALLY stop SH. I still remember a cold shiver had run down my spine. It was more than terrifying. I couldn't even imagine myself surviving without it. But eventually we did it. They won't force you to stop it. They will go by your pace. As much as eventually you want it. And it's okay if you feel that you don't want to stop. It's okay to tell too. They can look through our words and see that we are terrified about the mere idea. It will help them to understand more about how much sh means to us. And it's a good thing when the understand us right, they can use their ways more efficiently to make us feel better. If you ever want to pick up his suggestion, it's will take a long time to accomplish it. So you will have plenty of time. I know the idea still terrifying . Just know that it's okay to feel so.
@pw123,
And yes speaking to our teachers will help. The good ones will understand. Mine did. I told them myself. I remember practicing what to tell them in front of my mirror. Because if we sound childish, they will just think we are making excuses. Also i took an official letter written by my therapist to prove my point. I didn't read what was written. But it helped me to convince them . But if it's hard for you to tell yourself, it's okay to ask someone else to do it for you. People who know your struggles a little bit. the second option has more chances to work without a diagnosis.
@Perfectlyimperfect87464 thanks so much for writing all this. it's nice to hear that someone gets it and that i'm not weird for struggling to talk to my therapist about hard stuff. i think you're right and i'll tell my therapist that what she said about stopping scared me. i hope my teachers will understand.. maybe ill have my therapist write a letter for me, because i can't do it, and there's no one who can do it for me because no one knows. by the time she does, it might be too late though :/ thanks for the support and everything i really appreciate it :)
@pw123,
Yeah it's hard not to feel like we are weirdos to find it difficult to talk to our therapist. Well , when I am to exhausted of feeling so , I would call myself a freak. But there's this thought that my sane part keeps reminding me- after what you went through, it only *normal* to behave like this. You would actually be weird if you would have behaved normally !?? There's one thing I forgot to say, I wore hoodies when I had to make tough conversation. But yeah if we could manage to be a little open , it helps a lot. And giving a letter is a wonderful idea. It's okay if you don't want to talk to your teachers in person.The letter would do the job. And it wasn't any inconvenience to share my experience or suggestions. You don't need to thank me for it pw. But it's good to know that it was a tad bit useful for you ☺️