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pw123
37,081 M Determined Treads 8
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts2,198 Forum posts168 Forum upvotes279 Current upvotes279 Age GroupAdult Last activeApril, 2024 Member sinceAugust 20, 2022
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umm please stop looking at my profile gross go away



























seriously





Recent forum posts
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four months!! 🦀🦀
Self-Harm Recovery / by pw123
Last post
 November 4th, 2023
...See more i dont usually post, and im not active on this site anymore except for stopping by to say hi on occasion — but i just wanted to celebrate this somewhere :) theres no one i can really tell this to, nowhere i can post this, so.. its going here. im four months clean!! my best so far. i think about it sometimes — only when i have a really stressful day and im upset/overwhelmed. but im not depressed anymore, and i have other methods in place, so its not something i fully consider. plus, ive gotten rid of my tools (i actually made an art piece out of them, kinda). its not something i see myself ever going back to, really. i just dont consider it a real option anymore. like i deserve better than that. so after a year and a half of sh, im done :) i know four months might seem like too short a time to say that. but before that i was gradually adding more time in between, like a month here and a month there; and so much has happened in these four months to really solidify my decision to quit. anyways, idk if anyone really reads these, but thats my victory. please know that its possible to recover. i never thought it was. i thought i “knew” i could never get better, but im here and im okay. you are not hopeless or a lost cause or any of those things your brain tells you. you’ll survive this, even though it seems impossible, even if you have to survive it many times, youre worth it and you can. <3 (idk if im allowed to post a link from tumblr so i wont - but to write love on her arms (twloha)’s tumblr page is full of really sweet reminders for people struggling with depression and sh. scrolling through it is one of those kinda comforting things for me that i go to in moments where im distressed. thats all~)
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conversation with my therapist (+ a question)
Self-Harm Recovery / by pw123
Last post
 January 20th, 2023
...See more so my therapist knows i sh, but she doesn't know all the details - she knows my parents found out, but doesn't know how it went down. i've been able to talk to her about some of it easily, but talking about what triggers me or how i've been ridiculed for it is just too hard to do right now. the last time i saw her, on tuesday, she asked if i would be comfortable showing her my scars. i said no. she said we would work up to that, which to me would be incredibly unhelpful. i don't want her to see. if i knew she was going to see them, i would probably want to sh more so that it looked more "serious" (yes, i know the severity of sh isn't correlated to how much a person is struggling.. but still). currently they're pretty faded because i haven't self harmed much lately. it just seems so unnecessary and like it might actually exacerbate the problem. the other thing was that she was talking about it, and how we would work up to more scary/hard to talk about things that have to do with my sh and stuff, and eventually work on stopping. when she said that it kinda triggered me and i started crying but i couldn't tell her what was wrong. the idea of stopping scared me so much. sure, i haven't been doing it much lately, but i need to know that it's something i can go to when i need it. i know i can say no to showing her my scars, but it's not like i can tell her "no, i don't want to stop." idk. maybe i can. i doubt she would say "okay that's fine" to that though. this is unrelated, but is it worth it to tell teachers about your mental health issues? like, would they be more lenient? do they have to be? would i have to have a diagnosis? depression and anxiety have really really affected my ability to do schoolwork and get help for it, and my grades are not looking good right now. this is kinda my only hope to not fail this semester.
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my poetry!
General Support / by pw123
Last post
 January 19th, 2023
...See more hi! i've never shared a whole poem so this is kinda terrifying. might start sharing them regularly, we'll see. i've been writing poetry for a couple months now and i just recently wrote this one: that time when you laughed at me - while my blood pooled on the bathroom floor; did you mean it? that time when you sold my secret to them all - even the man with the bat in his hand; was it worth it? that time when you whispered in the kitchen - and we all heard you, tearing me down; do you miss it? that time when you smashed my things; did you hear it? the sound of my trust shattering with it?
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long vent tw
Self-Harm Recovery / by pw123
Last post
 January 17th, 2023
...See more please don't waste your time reading this, and if you do, don't write something like "oh that's not true, you're great!" i hate that. i don't even know how i'm feeling or what i'm thinking. i don't even know if i'm feeling numb. i keep wanting to say things like "i'm tired" or "i'm frustrated" but idk if i am. i want to say i feel horrible right now. maybe i'm confused or stressed or i'm completely fine. i don't even know. i haven't seen my therapist in two weeks now. two days ago i cleaned and organized my room and all my work and put up my art prints and lights and everything. other than that i'm completely failing and ruining everything. yesterday i did nothing, today i did even less. "i am a human being, not a human doing." that's the quote in her office and the one she told me to try to remind myself of. i can't. i hate myself so much right now. i hate being like this. i'm crying again.. it's been a couple weeks since i cried i think, and i was crying multiple times a day. i haven't had these self-loathing thoughts since then either but now they're back, and everything is bad again. i almost relapsed today - i put the tool to my arm for a while, then i made a bunch of really light "scratches" - the white kind that goes away when they get wet. i didn't want to mess up another thing, but i guess it doesn't matter, since i'm messing everything else up anyways. who cares. everyone hates me, i hate me, i'm a horrible, rude, useless, stupid person. i'm a waste of a life. i feel so bad for everyone who wasted time in their life trying to talk to me or help me. i know everyone wants me to leave. i hate myself for burdening those people. i hate myself for pushing away people who were just trying to be nice, and i hate myself for letting them talk to me in the first place. i know they're gonna be so mad at me for lying, but what's the point in doing anything if i'm going to fail anyways (in which case they get to say "i told you so"), and if i don't, they'll take credit? i don't want to do anything they say and i hate being around them. everything they say is about what a failure i am, except when i lie and say i'm doing what they asked. they're so conditional.. and all they care about is how they look. that's why they spread a lie about me to the entire family without telling me. they didn't care when they found out i sh, they just wanted to punish and guilt me. i can't. ***. stand. when people tell me "they really care about you, trust me." you don't know them! you don't. i know everything they've done and you know nothing. they do not care about me at all. and i'm supposed to love them, because you have to love your family no matter what. but i hate them, so much, and i can't stand how they've treated me and talked to and about me, and it's not just me being an angsty teenager. most of the time when i sh it's because of them. i hate the fake niceness. nobody cares. nobody understands. but everyone *** thinks they do. everyone thinks they're doing me a favor by talking to me because i'm this lonely kid in the corner who desperately needs a friend. i'm not, and i don't need that. i don't want to be friends with someone who just pities me. i wish everyone would shut up and leave me alone. i don't want to be nurtured, i don't want sympathy, i want everyone to mind their own *** business and let me be. "really? nobody? not even like.." shut up. shut up. shut up. shut up. shut up. i wish i could just function and be normal and okay all the time like everyone else.
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not coming out
LGBTQ+ / MOGII Support / by pw123
Last post
 January 9th, 2023
...See more i don't feel the need to tell anyone. the only people there are to tell are my parents and sister. i have no reason to trust my parents - from what they've done before i know they would tell everyone they know without my permission. they would judge me for it and use it against me. so i don't owe them that information. they don't get to know things that are personal to me anymore. they have lost that. besides, it would be so so anxiety inducing, and a negative response after working up the courage would hurt me so much. if i had friends, i might tell them if the topic came up. i might tell my therapist. but my family doesn't deserve or need to know.
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im back :/
Self-Harm Recovery / by pw123
Last post
 January 8th, 2023
...See more it’s not like i was doing better in that short break from cups but i really hate being here. i just panicked and went back to this site and ill probably deactivate my account again after this. i got a new tool. it’s coming in the mail. :/ also it’s my birthday tomorrow, ill be 17. nothing seemed different with the new year, nothing seems different now with my bday. i kept myself from crying probably a dozen times at least, not exaggerating.. i started crying, and i stopped myself over and over because people were around. finally, it’s the end of the day, and i can just let it out. i know no one cares and no one will probably read this so idk why im posting this anyways
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